Mother - how to improve a narcissist mother relationship

[Flyhigher]

My sister seems to have improved this situation with my mother.
They seem to be in a sister mother's her relationship. Mum likes it. My sister doesn't have kids. But is also putting effort in.
How do I improve it?
It's just awful. My mother 81 won't even buy me nice eggs for bf. Even though I travel 200 miles to see her.

How can I make it bearable? Better?

I have I see her every 2 - 3 months.

I relate.
It's very difficult.
I feel guilt for very low contact yet SHE was nasty to me,with the comments and the nit picking ,yet no one had the nerve to criticise her,she seemed to feel no problem criticising everyone else.
It is draining ,exhausting and anxiety provoking to be around mine.
Occasionally she'd be cheerful and fun but interspersed with being negative and causing divisions.

Interesting your dad thought he could change her , because I also tried hard to help my mother with the things she complained about, and it was like I couldn't make it better no matter how much energy I put into her.
The impact on me was not healthy for me.

“Fight or flight” response probably.

The further you keep away, physically and emotionally, the more you singly pursue your own life, the better your mental health. That’s the way it works for me

Of course, if you have a child, you may wish you had that extra mothering presence. But you’re pretty much on a hiding to nothing. Find a way to nurture and mother yourself, or from others at least understanding, or spiritually, if you can?

It was one teen saying that he couldn't face going and the other teen saying she only went to support me that made me realise exactly how toxic my mother was. Like me, you'll be so accustomed to the behaviour you don't realise just how bad it was. Would you put up with it from someone you were not related to? I'm going to guess not.

I've stopped seeing my mother now. It had my mental health in tatters. I'm guessing your sister may get on better because your mum reserves all her worst behaviour for you (that's certainly the dynamic in my family).

I know its tempting to think there must be something you can do to fix the relationship, but that's because you're a normal person and you are treating this like a normal relationship.
Give and take is not how things work with a narcissist. Its not within your power to change her behaviour.

This isn't an elderly lady who is a bit awkward. It's a toxic person who treats OP like dirt.

OP is mentioning the eggs as an indication of how her mother can't even do one nice thing for her. i'm not sure it's possible to lower your expecations any further than expecting the visit will be awful, you will be criticised and treated nastily, but maybe there might just be one single small nicety.

Sometimes I doubted my mother was a narcissist - as she was more middle range, less grandiose (but definitely entitled at times) and not a “victim” narcissist. However, I made the list below and she ticks every box 🙄😖.

ps. Also sounds like she might be triangulating you with your sister. A narcissist loves a good triangulation - even with objects! I’ve been triangulated with other peoples kids, neighbours (‘oh she’s so good!’) on and on.

Keep the distance up OP, increase it if you can! I spend one day every 6 weeks with mine and even that takes it out of me. But feel much better for reducing contact. Stick to boundaries. Maybe your sister can sugar coat her, then disappear for weeks, even playing her at her own manipulative game ….

Anyway, here goes:

Narcissists

Sense of entitlement
Black and white thinking
Haughty
Wants to maintain control
Needs “fuel” (supply) /attention
Uses people
Flirtatious (somatic narcissists)
Revises history (lies and gaslights)
Doesn’t respect boundaries
Superficial relationships
Superficial charm
Rages and abuse
Never or rarely apologises except maybe faux
Never cries (except maybe victim/waif narcissists)
Refuses to talk about relationship at all or in mature fashion
Plays victim (v. occasionally or regularly) but all narcissists see themselves as victims
Fake compassion
Ignoring
Blaming
Contemptuous
Smearing people
Maybe alcohol, gambling, sex addictions
“What’s mine is mine, whats yours is mine”
Jealous re. their personal property - views as extension of themselves.
Manipulation, eg silent treatments, triangulation, push-pull
Incapable of remorse
No acts of true generosity
gifts with strings etc
Uses money as control, to appear generous /to guilt trip/foster dependence.

The narcissist dismisses and jettisons people easily, but if say during a long silent treatment that dismissed person suddenly reappears on their radar they may decide to contact them, basically for fuel …

Keep going, keep healing, it’s your own super soul work.

You've just described my "D"M so well

No contact with mine was the best thing I ever did. My only regret was that I hadn't done it years ago.

Perhaps your sister is a bit of a narc too.

You do not have to do what your sister wants. You do not have to visit your mother, and nothing you do or say is ever going to turn her into the mother you wish she was.

Stay away. You may even have to cut contact permanently, and work on your own mental health.