Mother - how to improve a narcissist mother relationship

[Flyhigher]

My sister seems to have improved this situation with my mother.
They seem to be in a sister mother's her relationship. Mum likes it. My sister doesn't have kids. But is also putting effort in.
How do I improve it?
It's just awful. My mother 81 won't even buy me nice eggs for bf. Even though I travel 200 miles to see her.

How can I make it bearable? Better?

I have I see her every 2 - 3 months.

I feel for anyone with a narcissistic parent that is ageing. It is draining. Narcs get much worse as they get older because their audience shrinks. The temper tantrums and control get worse over tiny things because the tiny things are all that is left. Shopping is an activity that has to happen and no short cuts are permitted, ie no internet shopping rather than trailing around a store and then cornering a teenager member of staff who is then peppered with ridiculous questions on whatever small item is being bought (or not).

Old narcs are pathetic people. Eventually they spend their time making threats about inheriting because that's how they are above money and people.

A lot or avoidance, Rock solid boundaries and a prism of pity for when you deal with them. Ageing frightens a narc like nothing else if they are alone. Do not get engaged in the drama - you and your sister is a good triangle for your mother ti get you fighting or arguing about her.

Ok. Stop and breathe.

You have to really compartmentalise to get through this.

Her behaviour has nothing to do with your value- it’s all about her and it’s the best she can do. She doesn’t understand genuine reciprocal relationships, only the superficial appearance of it. She needs you to ‘look like’ a loving daughter. When she criticises it’s because she’s ‘hurt by your behaviour’ or because she ‘only wants the best for you’.

You have to let her be her, and find a way of being and protecting yourself.

For a start, accept the money. Buy yourself the eggs. Keep some of the food in your car so she doesn’t get wound up about the storage issue. Leave before lunch today as there’s nothing for lunch.

I take a big bag down with the things I need for comfort. I keep it elsewhere as she would want it all I she knew it was there. If I take coffee bags for example, she’ll use them up so I don’t have enough for the visit.

If it helps to know you aren’t alone, I give you - only one comfortable chair in the house, no food, consuming my food, no presents worth the name (second hand, don’t fit, not something I’d want in a million years), being literally a millionaire but expecting her young adult grandkids to pay for ice creams/fish and chips when they take her out etc.
And a continuous mind numbing stream of complaint and criticism such that you can’t summon the power to remember your own name.

A trip where she doesn’t reduce me to tears is a massive success. She has a talent for it!

You don’t have to see her OP. If you feel you’re not at the stage of no contact then reduce contact eg every 4 months if every 6 is too much of a gap at the moment.

You can’t improve the relationship because you’ve been designated the scapegoat. She’s not going to give you want you need emotionally. Hugs for that, it sucks. I grieved for the mother I should have had, but once I did that I felt much better and was able to go no contact. It’s not an easy decision to make so give yourself room and don’t beat yourself up.

As she’s not buying you any Christmas and birthday gifts then do the same back.

Your sister is having to step into the mother role which makes me wonder how much of herself she is suppressing to do that given how difficult your mother can be. It certainly seems like an enmeshed relationship which isn’t a healthy place to be.

Your priority is to protect yourself and your DC from toxic behaviour.

My honest answer here is for you to stop going to see her.

If she contacts you, and she will because she thrives on attention, you tell her clearly and succinctly that the reason you've decided you're no longer going to travel to see her is because of her behaviour towards you. You deserve to be treated with kindness and you're not getting that from her.

You need time to recover from visiting her.

You will unfortunately never improve a relationship with a narcissist. You can accept that they are a narcissist but you can't repair or improve a relationship with one.

If you want to continue visiting her, I'd recommend putting her on an information diet around what goes on in your life. Don't share stuff with her that you wouldn't mind hearing about on the 9 O'Clock news. Keep the conversation bland and let what she says go in one ear and straight out the other. Don't take things to heart and let whatever she says wash over you and when you get home, have an actual shower so that whatever didn't wash over you (metaphorically) can be washed from you and down the drain so that you aren't carrying her or her thoughts with you wherever you go.

Best of luck to you getting through this.

@pickledandpuzzled

Not quite as bad as that. But close.
Mine won't pay for kids ice creams. Either. I have to.

My sister sees her and babies her. It seems to work.
She sees her for four hours. And goes home.

So narc Mum. Supply or nastiness.

That's it.

It's very hard. Just lost my dad. Who wasn't narc.

Mine too - hasn’t called me in decades but flips if I don’t call for a monologue of who’s upset her now

I'd stop visiting. And I really don't understand the eggs thing, I know it's not really about the eggs but what are 'nice' eggs? I just buy eggs, they taste the same?

Yes, it was manageable when dad was alive. She misses his attention and being treated as a frail princess.

While dad wasn’t a narc, he did choose to stay with her and prioritise her well-being over ours. Though he reaped that consequence when he was terminally ill and she wasn’t able to give him much care and nurture at all.

I listened to this recently. Might be helpful…

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-diary-of-a-ceo-with-steven-bartlett/id1291423644?i=1000647490869

Ignore that poster and the others that follow who are fixated or choose to fixate on the egggs. She’s not the mum you need , you can’t change her I’d suggest leave her and your sister to it and use the money you’d spend to see her on counselling. You seem very self aware of how she affects you and that she’s not right and that’s half the battle. I know it’s tempting to constantly analyse why she’s like that and even to spend more time with her either to see if she chair to prove to yourself that it’s her not you but it’s no good for your mental health. Drop the rope, good boundaries, little contact and grey rock. It’s advice you’ll see repeated time and again but it’s because it works .

Op its tiring have it myself. 82. Feel one a week visit plenty. I did challenge her few years back and got told our duty. I dont enjoy family occasions so tend avoid them. These people dont change either. Now Im yes no. Very vague on topics!

I actually found my narc mum easier to emotionally deal with after my dad died.
It seemed to throw a lot of light onto my mum's behaviour.
My husband and teen kids pointing out public displayed of unreasonableness helped.
Having teens and reflecting on how I was treated as a teen also helps.
I now just see my mum as a I would a client at work. Sometimes the project is logistical, sometimes just being a listening ear. One day she won't be a client at all. I have tried to remove the emotions from our relationship and try to have, like work, strong boundaries and protocols.
For example - have sent a mother's day card (factual not gushy) ignored heavy hinting to visit on the day. Have lined up date far into the future to visit, refer to that, job done.

Thanks everyone. Lots of good points.

My sister is compartmentalising and doing what works.
My sister is saying I have to visit to split the emotional load. Says it's just as bad for her.
Which it must be.

My teen won't visit her anymore. It's 200 miles away. So I'm there alone with her. She picks me off with ease.

It is different when you have to stay.

It annoys my that my sibs don’t manage things better- they live much nearer but limit how much they see her because she’s difficult, which I get.

But when I go I have to stay as it’s a 3 hour drive. It’s much harder than a weekly 3 hour visit would be.

My kids are great- they re a bit older than yours, young adults. They go to give me a break!

My 16 year old can't deal with it. And to be honest. I get it. Staying is hell.
My sister says I can stay at hers. But I don't enjoy that either. Last visit was ok. But the one before was hell.

Yes it's harder when you stay over.

My sister is having a trip to Spain with her. Will have to stay with her for al least a few days. She's never stayed with her for an extended period. Alone.

Glad your kids are great xx

It is up to your sister how she manages but not up to her to say what you should do. I’ve started seeing my DM with either DS DB or DH as am similar to others above.

I now keep conversation to safe shallow subjects and just ‘appear’ like a loving daughter. Meaning gets attached to things like chocs and flowers and groceries do I just spend money. A lot easier than engaging. But sad it’s so meaningless.
Protectbyourself with people, short infrequent visits, a survival bag of your favourite things snd a very thick skin OP.

Good luck to your sister! Mine was an absolute drama disaster abroad!

it’s a tough situation. I’m due down this weekend.

I alternate between dreading her becoming less well, and thinking that she can’t stay hale for ever and surely I will get to stop worrying about her before I’m too old to have any fun myself!

Visit but stay in a local hotel/ b&b so you get a space away from her to decompress

Yea. She loves getting flowers. Then she's lovely.
It's exactly the same.