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Original poster

Mother - how to improve a narcissist mother relationship

85 replies

Flyhigher · 03/03/2024 21:56

My sister seems to have improved this situation with my mother.
They seem to be in a sister mother's her relationship. Mum likes it. My sister doesn't have kids. But is also putting effort in.
How do I improve it?
It's just awful. My mother 81 won't even buy me nice eggs for bf. Even though I travel 200 miles to see her.

How can I make it bearable? Better?

I have I see her every 2 - 3 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyhigher · 08/03/2024 09:07

But I feel empty.
I used to go with DH and DD. They won't go there now. Last time was a short visit. And she just complained we weren't there much.

OP posts:
TorroFerney · 08/03/2024 09:58

AIBUValley · 07/03/2024 13:43

I actually found my narc mum easier to emotionally deal with after my dad died.
It seemed to throw a lot of light onto my mum's behaviour.
My husband and teen kids pointing out public displayed of unreasonableness helped.
Having teens and reflecting on how I was treated as a teen also helps.
I now just see my mum as a I would a client at work. Sometimes the project is logistical, sometimes just being a listening ear. One day she won't be a client at all. I have tried to remove the emotions from our relationship and try to have, like work, strong boundaries and protocols.
For example - have sent a mother's day card (factual not gushy) ignored heavy hinting to visit on the day. Have lined up date far into the future to visit, refer to that, job done.

That’s a really good approach. I try and do something similar ie observe the behaviour like a bit of a social experiment, helps to remove the emotion.

VictoriaPink · 08/03/2024 10:09

LookItsMeAgain · 07/03/2024 09:30

My honest answer here is for you to stop going to see her.

If she contacts you, and she will because she thrives on attention, you tell her clearly and succinctly that the reason you've decided you're no longer going to travel to see her is because of her behaviour towards you. You deserve to be treated with kindness and you're not getting that from her.

You need time to recover from visiting her.

You will unfortunately never improve a relationship with a narcissist. You can accept that they are a narcissist but you can't repair or improve a relationship with one.

If you want to continue visiting her, I'd recommend putting her on an information diet around what goes on in your life. Don't share stuff with her that you wouldn't mind hearing about on the 9 O'Clock news. Keep the conversation bland and let what she says go in one ear and straight out the other. Don't take things to heart and let whatever she says wash over you and when you get home, have an actual shower so that whatever didn't wash over you (metaphorically) can be washed from you and down the drain so that you aren't carrying her or her thoughts with you wherever you go.

Best of luck to you getting through this.

For an actual narcissist, this is the best advice.

The only way to improve a relationship with a narcissist is to be further away from them.

user1471538283 · 08/03/2024 10:59

I don't think there is anything you can do to make it better

I tried for decades to have any sort of relationship with my DM. Not even a mother/daughter one in the end. Even just giving a shit I was human and had feelings one. Nothing worked. All she wanted was to be babied and to have everyone's attention every single minute. Narcissists are incapable of self reflection. She wasn't a mother to me but wanted me from a young age to act as a mother to her even though she had an excellent one of her own.

She was exhausting. My nerves would be shredded after an hour with her.

I know she dreaded getting older and no doubt had I not gone NC she would have been worse to me.

She's been dead 8 years and I still feel nothing but anger towards her.

Mary46 · 08/03/2024 11:49

Op they always want more. I call tomorrow thats it realistically with work too. If you did 5 things she want 10. So if she awkward i say ok see ya following week. That worked!!

LookItsMeAgain · 08/03/2024 13:13

Flyhigher · 07/03/2024 20:51

My 16 year old can't deal with it. And to be honest. I get it. Staying is hell.
My sister says I can stay at hers. But I don't enjoy that either. Last visit was ok. But the one before was hell.

Yes it's harder when you stay over.

My sister is having a trip to Spain with her. Will have to stay with her for al least a few days. She's never stayed with her for an extended period. Alone.

Just because your sister decides to maintain a relationship of sorts with your mother, does not and I really can't stress this enough, does not mean that you have to share in that relationship or have a separate one of your own with her.

You don't have to travel to see her.
You don't have to stay with her if you do decide to see her.

Your 16 yr old has the measure of your mother.

I realise that it will be incredibly difficult to do but I would recommend going no contact or very low contact with your mother. You are getting nothing positive from the relationship as it currently stands. Your sister is also contributing to this so I'd go low contact with her too. Be like an 'emergency contact' and only go to visit if there is an emergency. If your sister feels burn out, she should try to see what is available via the council by way of carers and meals on wheels (that sort of thing) so that she also doesn't have to be burnt out too.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

LookItsMeAgain · 08/03/2024 13:16

Flyhigher · 08/03/2024 09:07

But I feel empty.
I used to go with DH and DD. They won't go there now. Last time was a short visit. And she just complained we weren't there much.

What did you say when she said you weren't there much. Did you say "Well we all know why that is mum. We don't enjoy being beaten by the stick that you wield so well. How about you start being a bit nicer to us and we might start visiting more?" Or something to that effect.

Call her out on her nasty behaviour towards you and your family. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourselves and don't be afraid to rock that boat.

What is the worst thing that she could do to you if you did stand up to her, or if you rocked that boat a little?

Original poster
Flyhigher · 08/03/2024 23:37

Is there a way to save comments you find helpful somewhere?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 08/03/2024 23:44

Here, or you can watch the thread.

PickAChew · 08/03/2024 23:45

Image didn't post. Tap The 3 dots.

Mother - how to improve a narcissist mother relationship
Original poster
Flyhigher · 09/03/2024 02:16

Is the save function on the pc not the app?

OP posts:
hannahbanana02 · 09/03/2024 02:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

therealcookiemonster · 09/03/2024 02:35

I'm finding your fixation on eggs a bit strange...

but the only way to truly improve a toxic relationship with any narcissistic individual is to go no contact

however, from your posts I am not sure if there isn't more to this than meets the eye.

hannahbanana02 · 09/03/2024 02:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Happyinarcon · 09/03/2024 05:40

I agree with the comment somewhere above about substituting affection with money. Can you skip a visit and send a gift basket instead? Can you send your mother and sister a gift card to a local restaurant so they can go for a meal together? Remember it’s all about appearances. Think of superficial ways to make her feel special that don’t involve you showing up

LookItsMeAgain · 09/03/2024 07:27

Flyhigher · 09/03/2024 02:16

Is the save function on the pc not the app?

I can’t do a screenshot but if you’re browsing through your browser on your phone rather than the actual MN App (I’ve ditched it because it was rubbish), you can tap on the three dots at the top right of a post and the “Save” option is in there.

Scrumbleton · 09/03/2024 10:12

I'm a bit shocked at your attitude OP. The egg thing is ridiculous as well as complaining about her helplessness around tech stuff. She's an elderly lady. in our family we cosset our elderly - though i do get she may not have been a fabulous mother. My mum has passed now - i found visiting hard as she was depressed and grumbly when i visited ( this was expensive like for OP - a plane journey) but I went monthly and shopped, cared for her and batch cooked all her favourite meals ( that helped pass the time). overall my DM was not perfect ( v judgemental eg) but i loved her. Similarly with in laws - MIL can be difficult and demanding but i cut her some slack as she's in her 80s. We moved to be near her and FIL and support them - I spoil her a bit and it's made her much easier to deal with. I treat MIL like a demanding boss - i get in first and cheerily volunteer for stuff i don't mind doing thereby limiting time available for other demanding stuff.
Op also only visits pretty infrequently so it should be tolerable if she tries to adjust her expectations.

HRTQueen · 09/03/2024 10:20

Scrumbleton you do not understand the dynamics of having a mother who is narcissistic and how damaging this is

its not the odd judgemental remark being demanding and difficult due to age it’s the constant onslaught of negativity even when they are being nice, there isn’t unconditional love there is always a price to pay and navigating this is emotionally draining and more often than not damaging and for many very hard to break away from

LaughterLentil · 09/03/2024 12:15

Popping back on to catch up and feel sad, so many of us are fighting the same battle. I wonder if it is a generational thing and whether we have parented our children better (or they, too, will be on a forum moaning!) Were we caught as part of a generation being parented by those who had themselves grown up as part of the 'seen and not heard' post-war generation? Did they try to instil their own values in us in a rapidly changing world around parenting ideals during the late '60s, '70s and early '80s? The result seems to be disgruntled adults (us) moaning about our narc mothers due to their fairly ambivalent attachment. Our narc mothers parented their young in a world revolving around them and children being by-products (their values). However, children are now central to family life (our values).

Mary46 · 09/03/2024 12:53

Your right you dont have a duty to rudeness i dont care what age. Respect is two way. Sick comments here oh she old she your mam. I agree those that dont have difficult parents havent a clue. Its awful listen to it.

Original poster
Flyhigher · 09/03/2024 16:15

Btw - Harvard medical school papers say egg yolks reduce anxiety. So maybe there's a reason I want eggs! It's to cope with her!

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyhigher · 09/03/2024 16:16

She was exhausting. My nerves would be shredded after an hour with her.

This. Exactly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyhigher · 09/03/2024 16:20

Anyway. Forget about the eggs.
It's just a symbol of her meanness.

Some people on here can fully relate.

If you don't I'm actually happy for you. It's a great thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyhigher · 09/03/2024 16:23

I do get the superficial thing suggestions.
Presents instead of a visit.
She loves that.
Not staying long. That works.
Having a task to do then going. That works.

Her brain just doesn't work. And I can't change that. It will never change.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyhigher · 09/03/2024 16:24

My dad actually said. I thought I could change her.
She changed him instead.

OP posts: