So fed up of dating

[voostomatic]

Beyond fed up with dating and the endless struggle to find anyone remotely compatible.

Doesn't matter what I do dating just never works and find the whole process a complete waste of time and energy.

I have to stay I don't find being single difficult and prefer it because it means life is more enjoyable.

I have never enjoyed the ups and downs of dating and I don't think at age 41 I ever will.
I have had short term relationships but they weren't right for me.

I just want to throw in the towel and just give up.

I really don't think I will ever meet anyone now and I do think you have to reach a point and say dating isn't for you and just doesn't work.

I spent my 30s looking for a relationship and what a complete fucking waste of time it was. I mean even if you did find someone the likelihood of it lasting in today's shitty society is zilch.

Dating, What a load of fucking old shit 😭

Congrats on the engagement btw.

Going out and meeting people is great - if you enjoy that.

I hate going out, I like to stay in every night unless I'm going out to see the stars or take a stroll by the ocean - I prefer reading / studying in my spare time. My husband is exactly the same. Going out and meeting in real life only works for people who enjoy just that, but there are plenty of single people with the same inclinations as me and my hubby but simply no way to interact except through apps

I don't know what this OLD is - only heard of it on mumsnet - but it sounds dire from what people are saying

What's the point of posting this?

Thanks but, tbf, unless you're the OP, I wasn't directing my comment at you. I was responding to the op.

I am in my early 40s and I’ve done online dating since I was 30. I have met LOTS of men. I used to be 100% convinced that I would meet someone and have children, it’s what I’ve always wanted so I couldn’t even conceive that it wouldn’t happen. During my childbearing years I put up with a lot of crap from men because I thought compromising was the only way I would get to the point where I’d have a family. I also met some nice guys but we weren’t compatible.
I took a break from dating during covid and resumed 1.5 ago. I find the dating scene much changed and the quality of men available appalling. I don’t think this is to do with covid but perhaps with the fact that most good men are indeed taken by this age, and men over 40 who are either perpetually single or who come out of marriages have something wrong with them. If I was to define my experience of OLD in the last few years in 3 words these are: lying, lovebombing, gaslighting.
There are exceptions but I haven’t connected with one.

I am shocked by the number of men who say they’re in open relationships or ENM. I definitely don’t recall seeing this on their profiles before covid. Where did they all come from?? I am pretty certain that, if these men are indeed in relationships, their partners don’t know it’s an ‘’open’’ one. Or, most likely, they are single and are trying to ‘warn’ women that they’re going to treat the relationship as casual, without feeling selfish.

Since I returned to OLD I dated 4 men, all separated or divorced. All had children. One of them cheated and then left his wife for another woman, in the other 3 cases it’s the women who ended the marriages. I don’t have children but I am pretty certain that no mother of small children leaves the father of her children unless his behaviour is so bad that there’s no way to fix the marriage. In all 4 cases the men appeared to have no awareness of their contribution to the breakdown of their marriage (even the one who cheated justified it by saying that his wife was awful, he felt unloved, etc etc). In all cases it was the woman’s fault, poor, poor men….Within a month of dating them I could see why their wives left them…
They say that women are crazy but the behaviour and attitudes of these men were crazier than anything…

After my last attempt at a relationship fell through I went to a very dark place. I thought I had FINALLY found the one and took his lovebombing to mean that he felt the same. He didn’t…

So I’ve decided to never put myself in that situation again. I have spent so much time over the years crying over men who didn’t deserve me. This will not happen again.
I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I’ll grow old on my own. I admit that I am sad about it and a bit scared. I don’t have much family or friends and I’ve always wanted to be with someone, but I just have to accept that this is not going to happen for me. It is what it is!

@GabiT you perfectly summarise my experience as well. I am also early 40s and I totally feel your pain. I am persisting with networking and socialising in the real world, as I work in a male dominated industry and I keep hoping that I will meet someone through work or social activities. All my friends in their 40s have now met a significant other and are getting married and they did meet their SO in real life. I think being active socially and joining clubs etc is the only way to keep a social network as we get older and hopefully we will meet someone through those.

Personally when I was single I found it useful to take breaks from the dating apps, otherwise you'll keep seeing the same people over and over. I've actually rarely had anything too creepy- you can usually tell the type of guys who would act like that from their profile pics or wording.

At the end of the day, online dating is simply a device to expose you to more people/different people than those you meet in your everyday life. Better to focus on people-oriented activities as even if you never get a date from them, you might make a friend or two.

@GabiT I just read through your post and it was really insightful, so thank you. You are definitely not alone in your experience (80% of women who end up not having children is the result of life circumstances, i.e. no suitable partner) but it's a difficult experience none the less.

I think that there are more women who want a serious long term commitment than men and that the men who are relationship minded with the skills to maintain a relationship are snapped up when they are fairly young. Of course its to a certain extent a question of luck if you happen to meet a man like that but the fact is that men like that, who makes good partners, are kind and loving and supportive, who contribute and don't have serious issues typically stay married or in long term committed relationships to women they have been with since they were fairly young.

What is left is a menagerie of men who are either life long single commitment-phobes or have serious issues or are men other women have thrown back into the pool for various levels of bad behaviour. I suppose the very odd one is not awful and there is some other reason they are single but I think most men who are single well into adulthood are single for reasons that will make them a poor prospect for most women. So a woman who got unlucky with her first pick of man and ends up back on the dating circuit trying to find a new man later in life will have an up hill battle to find a better option.

@Offwiththecircus
You don't think there is a certain anger on this thread?

Do you expect women to be grinning with happiness and mellow in speech at being called a cunt, propositioned for casual sex, messed around by men who are married or in a LTR?

Incredibly tone-deaf useless comment.

@treadmilljazz I completely agree with your observation. I work in a male dominated industry and have met so many amazing men (in all respects) and they all met their wives very early on - high school/university or early to mid 20s, all married by the late 20s and are still married years later.
The single met I have been meeting over the past 10 years are like children in a candy shop or have serious commitment issues.

I’m the same. Dating is boring and tiresome. It’s simply so hard to find a mutual like and connection with someone. I have given up with the apps. I got knackered of the uninteresting messages (I’m not a texting fan), the endless chats that don’t go anywhere and the persistent ghosting, even when I thought the meet up went well. You can never tell, as people lie that they enjoyed your company. Then they do the string along messaging where they never ask you out again and do the slow fade. I have liked sone of those men. However, they didn’t like me. That’s what I hate about dating, the ones I like never like me.

Then the men online always expect you to like them after meeting two or three times. I don’t know if I like a person that fast. I like to get to know them first as a friend. People grow on me on that way. I don’t want to be kissing every man I meet or be intimate with them. I need to get to know them first.

Men online don’t have any patience. This is especially the case if you don’t fancy them initially. Maybe, I would get to like them over time. However, men disappear if you don’t like them after two meetings when I am still very much seeing them as a stranger. I don’t want a quick fumble, I want a meaningful connection that will evolve into a relationship. I don’t expect them to pay for meet ups either.

However, it always turns into a little disagreement when I say I will pay for myself. I don’t want men to pay for my things, especially when I don’t know them. I always suggest doing things that are free, as quite frankly, I don’t want to do anything exciting with someone, I don’t really know yet. It’s the same with dining out. I prefer to eat with people I know. Yet, they feel they need to pay for dinner or an activity.

I would like to skip the dating and be in a relationship, as I want a life companion who I can look forward to spending time with.

As someone mentioned in an earlier post, you have to go and do things that you’re not really interested in to meet men. It’s just another job and I can’t enjoy any activity now, as you feel the pressure. I have to meet a man here to connect with. Otherwise, it’s another wasted event that I attended.