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Original poster

Boyfriend plans to move 2 hours away

105 replies

Creamorjam · 01/03/2024 23:24

Opinions /advice / previous experience.
I’m a single mum & new to dating in my 50’s with teenagers still at home with me . My boyfriend of one year is an every other weekend dad to 1 tween .He plans on moving 2 hours away to live with an old Work friend & his wife & be closer to his mum & siblings have more disposable income .But says he’ll visit and stay with me when he’s not having his son .Am I just wasting my time at this stage ? Or am I missing a trick ? Is this the way forwards ?

OP posts:
SometimesIchangemyname · 02/03/2024 07:35

Depends what you want OP.
I’m a similar age to you and single with older children at home.
Personally I don’t ever want to live with a man again and know my DC would hate having some bloke around for a week at a time. I would feel trapped if he had no place to go locally.
Some people do want someone for companionship, sex, someone to go places with. Is that what he offers? Do you go out together? Or is it mostly just sharing your sofa, bed and home with him?
Sounds like a FWB with benefits for him and not you.

Loopytiles · 02/03/2024 07:38

Sounds like he can’t financially afford to date but wants to.

I don’t have much respect for fathers who see their DC only every other weekend.

Doubt your teens would appreciate a cocklodger in the house for a week at a time.

Would save your resources and time for yourself and others.

Loopytiles · 02/03/2024 07:40

Your location info doesn’t make sense OP: your BF currently lives an hour away and 10 mins away from his DC, and new location will be 2 hours away from you but ‘even closer’ to his DC.

TwylaSands · 02/03/2024 07:41

He’ll often stay the week at mine that he doesn’t have his tween
and how much does he contribute financially in those weeks?
and what does he do in your home to contribute to family life in those weeks?

Anameisaname · 02/03/2024 07:45

Well just to offer another opinion. My bf lives quite far away. We have a part time arrangement whereby he comes to mine usually every other weekend, mostly because my house is nicer more convenient for going out. It works out very well for us. I don't like sharing my bed that much as it disturbs my sleep. The weekends he doesn't come, he's got elderly parents to sort out and I have my kids to sort so we are usually both busy.
We enjoy our time together and we have lots going on in our time apart. I don't ever want to get married again and I don't think I want to live with him permanently but I do enjoy the relationship and the sex and his company.
It all depends on what you want !

Original poster
Creamorjam · 02/03/2024 07:48

Zanatdy · 02/03/2024 07:33

I don’t see a problem with this. He’s moving closer to his son and family. You’ve been with him 1yr and as you both have kids that will inevitably mean you won’t have spent all day in each pockets in that year so it’s early days. Do you expect him to not do this move so he can live close to you still? I think that’s unfair. I assume he’s finding it tough paying rent and having limited disposable income. This sounds like a good move for him financially. Maybe he wants to save for a deposit for a house. I personally wouldn’t want him staying with me for a whole week at a time when I had kids still living at home, but a weekend would be fine.

Thanks Zanatdy..yes he’ll be half hour further away from his son with the new move ( unless son’s mum moves him anywhere she wants to ) but nearer to his own mother . It is an opportunity for him to save financially.
just hope I’m not being naive and actually have a cocklodger on my hands as others have mentioned.

OP posts:
JennyfromtheBlok · 02/03/2024 07:51

He has previously said in ‘jest’ that if it doesn’t work he’d have to move in with me ..makes me feel like some runner up prize

this thing he said about if it doesn’t work out… Do you think he’s assuming that he can just move in? How long can he stay living in the annex, do you know these friends of his? It could be a temporary accommodation offer and all along he is assuming he can live between you and his mother

Nevermindtheteacaps · 02/03/2024 07:56

JennyfromtheBlok · 02/03/2024 07:51

He has previously said in ‘jest’ that if it doesn’t work he’d have to move in with me ..makes me feel like some runner up prize

this thing he said about if it doesn’t work out… Do you think he’s assuming that he can just move in? How long can he stay living in the annex, do you know these friends of his? It could be a temporary accommodation offer and all along he is assuming he can live between you and his mother

This.

The annexe is a temporary offer. He's preparing the ground to move in and live for free.

SgtJuneAckland · 02/03/2024 08:00

So he's moving further away from his partner and his child to live in a glorified shed in his friend's garden in his fifties, and expects to live with you every other week when he doesn't like your children and you haven't offered. Not something I'd find attractive

Loopytiles · 02/03/2024 08:03

You sound passive. You have teen DC to consider and have only been dating a year, and your BF has financial issues.

If you want to continue the relationship would at the very least avoid him staying at yours for long stretches, at your expense and to the detriment of your DC.

TwylaSands · 02/03/2024 08:04

SgtJuneAckland · 02/03/2024 08:00

So he's moving further away from his partner and his child to live in a glorified shed in his friend's garden in his fifties, and expects to live with you every other week when he doesn't like your children and you haven't offered. Not something I'd find attractive

..and contributes a small amount.

a great summary above.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 02/03/2024 08:04

He is moving in with you for a week every other week - this is all that matters.
Do you want this? Did you ask him to move in? Has he asked you if he can?

BroughttoyoubyBerocca · 02/03/2024 08:08

How come he is house sharing/lodging? Is he homeless??

Ringpeace · 02/03/2024 08:09

The "annexe" in the garden will be a bed in a shed. Not a long term solution.

Coconutter24 · 02/03/2024 08:13

Tatonka · 02/03/2024 02:50

Tbh it makes sense him living closer to his kids and siblings so not sure why he's getting a hard time from others. If he's willing to travel to you mostly, then I don't see what the issue is. Given you only see each other weekend it's not that full on, so it might still work.

I think he’s planning on moving further away from his son when he goes to live with his friend. Will be closer to his siblings but further from his son, his son is currently only 10 mins away. I think that’s why people are commenting on that

Coconutter24 · 02/03/2024 08:21

Creamorjam · 02/03/2024 07:48

Thanks Zanatdy..yes he’ll be half hour further away from his son with the new move ( unless son’s mum moves him anywhere she wants to ) but nearer to his own mother . It is an opportunity for him to save financially.
just hope I’m not being naive and actually have a cocklodger on my hands as others have mentioned.

Show quote history

Just don’t let him move in and if he speaks or jokes about it again you reply making it very clear it won’t be anytime soon. If he’s wanting to be a ’cocklodger’ he won’t hang about for very long if your not offering that, then you know where you stand

Did I read he’s moving half hour away from his son? That’s not unreasonable as long as he is still seeing him as he was. Has he previously been renting? Does he have money troubles or debts that require him to save a lot each month, seems extreme to give up a house to go live with friend for free if money is ok and he’s got an income each month

doorframesatdawn · 02/03/2024 08:25

I think in general, if you're in a committed relationship, even if you're not ready to live together or get married, you don't make decisions that will put you further apart (not unless there's no other option). Typically you're more likely to be making decisions that bring you closer.

The new housing situation sounds pretty insecure too. If he's not paying rent presumably he won't have a contract or rights so if things go pear shaped, he'll be out on his ear. Unless there's a big back story I'd be a bit cautious about a man in his 50s who's still effectively 'sofa surfing'.

Only you can decide what to do but I'd personally not be happy with this. It would make me feel as though I was being used as an occasional hotel and/or 'back up plan'.

Original poster
Creamorjam · 02/03/2024 08:28

HereForTheFreeLunch · 02/03/2024 08:04

He is moving in with you for a week every other week - this is all that matters.
Do you want this? Did you ask him to move in? Has he asked you if he can?

We do get along really well spending time together.. at present he is about an hour away from mine & so to save him driving up & down constantly he stays for days .

OP posts:
Original poster
Creamorjam · 02/03/2024 08:30

Coconutter24 · 02/03/2024 08:21

Just don’t let him move in and if he speaks or jokes about it again you reply making it very clear it won’t be anytime soon. If he’s wanting to be a ’cocklodger’ he won’t hang about for very long if your not offering that, then you know where you stand

Did I read he’s moving half hour away from his son? That’s not unreasonable as long as he is still seeing him as he was. Has he previously been renting? Does he have money troubles or debts that require him to save a lot each month, seems extreme to give up a house to go live with friend for free if money is ok and he’s got an income each month

Show quote history

Yep he left his ex wife the whole house & pays her maintenance regularly.He currently rents a 2 bed house .

OP posts:
Original poster
Creamorjam · 02/03/2024 08:31

doorframesatdawn · 02/03/2024 08:25

I think in general, if you're in a committed relationship, even if you're not ready to live together or get married, you don't make decisions that will put you further apart (not unless there's no other option). Typically you're more likely to be making decisions that bring you closer.

The new housing situation sounds pretty insecure too. If he's not paying rent presumably he won't have a contract or rights so if things go pear shaped, he'll be out on his ear. Unless there's a big back story I'd be a bit cautious about a man in his 50s who's still effectively 'sofa surfing'.

Only you can decide what to do but I'd personally not be happy with this. It would make me feel as though I was being used as an occasional hotel and/or 'back up plan'.

This is what I fear ..just being someone’s back up plan

OP posts:
Obeast · 02/03/2024 08:32

Shocking that you find a homeless deadbeat attractive, but ok. Continue to date the bloke if you feel the need, but don't inflict him on your kids, and don't allow him to use you for accommodation.
On your dates he can pay for a hotel (he won't).

theduchessofspork · 02/03/2024 08:32

He just not that into you

Move on!

Original poster
Creamorjam · 02/03/2024 08:34

doorframesatdawn · 02/03/2024 08:25

I think in general, if you're in a committed relationship, even if you're not ready to live together or get married, you don't make decisions that will put you further apart (not unless there's no other option). Typically you're more likely to be making decisions that bring you closer.

The new housing situation sounds pretty insecure too. If he's not paying rent presumably he won't have a contract or rights so if things go pear shaped, he'll be out on his ear. Unless there's a big back story I'd be a bit cautious about a man in his 50s who's still effectively 'sofa surfing'.

Only you can decide what to do but I'd personally not be happy with this. It would make me feel as though I was being used as an occasional hotel and/or 'back up plan'.

doirframesatdawn..Your first paragraph is how it has me thinking & feeling

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 02/03/2024 08:36

SgtJuneAckland · 02/03/2024 08:00

So he's moving further away from his partner and his child to live in a glorified shed in his friend's garden in his fifties, and expects to live with you every other week when he doesn't like your children and you haven't offered. Not something I'd find attractive

Exactly

and
just hope I’m not being naive and actually have a cocklodger on my hands as others have mentioned.

Yes you are OP - he’s laying the ground to move in with you, despite being not terribly into you. He’s going to be a millstone around your neck for the rest of your life if you carry on with this.

Coconutter24 · 02/03/2024 08:39

Creamorjam · 02/03/2024 08:30

Yep he left his ex wife the whole house & pays her maintenance regularly.He currently rents a 2 bed house .

Show quote history

So money might be tight for him but surely he can’t be planning on living rent free in his friend’s annex forever. Is he looking for more work or better paid work to up his income. If he’s not then chances are he could be waiting for an invite to yours.

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