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Original poster

Conflicted feelings after night with teacher

79 replies

conflicted0 · 01/03/2024 00:01

Hi mumsnet, kind of struggling with this, I (23) recently ran into my old English teacher at a bar (32). Things got very flirty, long story short we had sex. He’s messaging me asking for a date, which I really want to go on – because I used to have a massage crush on him (still definitely do).
There are some things that are making me torn,

  1. He’s still a teacher
  2. At the time I didn’t think he knew I had a massive crush on him, but when I told him he told me he knew
  3. He made the first physical escalation (but I was flirty)

Obviously, I really want to go on this date with him, and I’d love this to be a crazy accident of fate – because I think he’s brilliant. He’s still just as smart and funny as I remember, and somehow better looking. I really enjoy talking about literature with him, which is something I’ve always struggled to connect with my previous boyfriends about, but I can’t shake the fact that he knew me when I was a teenager. Knew I had a massive crush on him while I was a child and preceded to have sex with me

Don’t get me wrong, it takes 2 to tango and I’m well aware of that, I was a willing participant and I’m not accusing him of anything non-consensual. I wan to go on this date but I’m not sure if that’s the inner schoolgirl, but there’s a little part of me that thinks maybe he might have done something bad – particularly the fact he’s still a teacher.

For the record I was a hideous teenager and had hideous acne, thick glasses, and braces, he never tried it on with me he was just very kind. I look very different now, but one thing that stuck out to me was that he told me he preferred me with glasses (which I don’t wear now)

I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it (I have a tendency to overthink), and I really want to go on this date, he’s the archetype of what I’ve always envisioned my perfect man to be. I really don’t know what to do, how much can one date hurt? Then I can decide after that, if I do go on the date with him is there anything I can ask him about?

Thanks in advance and please don’t be too harsh

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 01/03/2024 00:03

You're overthinking it. Enjoy, have fun!

ouch321 · 01/03/2024 00:06

Sorry but this is really creepy. Might be perfectly legal but nonetheless.

Lumiodes · 01/03/2024 00:07

You’re an adult in your twenties - there really isn’t anything wrong with him dating you, even if he is still a teacher. If you feel weird because he knew you a decade ago when you were underage, then don’t date him. But it’s all perfectly legal, teachers aren’t required to avoid adults that they taught a long time ago.

H112 · 01/03/2024 00:12

Run for the hills. He knew you when you where a kid with acne. Nope.

HollyKnight · 01/03/2024 00:25

Fgs you're an adult who randomly bumped into someone you knew as a teenager. He didn't groom you. He didn't act any way inappropriately with you. He didn't keep in touch with you. Stop trying to make him out to be a weirdo for being attracted to ADULT you.

Pieceofpurplesky · 01/03/2024 00:28

I know three teachers in long term relationships with ex pupils who they met again after a long time. One has just had their silver wedding (she was 22 and he was 27).

It can work - go for it. If you were 18 it would be different

Homebird8 · 01/03/2024 00:54

I look very different now, but one thing that stuck out to me was that he told me he preferred me with glasses (which I don’t wear now)

Until I read this I thought that, as you met again as two adults, there would be no concerns in dating. However if he preferred you with glasses it makes me think that he was assessing your looks and attractiveness when you were a child, which of course is not acceptable in a teacher pupil relationship. He is still a teacher and this would concern me.

Wasywasydoodah · 01/03/2024 00:59

Heck, I would. Maybe just keep your weirdness sensors out for anything else like the glasses comment. But otherwise I’m not seeing a problem…

Original poster
conflicted0 · 01/03/2024 01:00

Pieceofpurplesky · 01/03/2024 00:28

I know three teachers in long term relationships with ex pupils who they met again after a long time. One has just had their silver wedding (she was 22 and he was 27).

It can work - go for it. If you were 18 it would be different

can you tell me more about these relationships? If not as posts as a private message?

OP posts:
TyneTeas · 01/03/2024 01:02

I think it is difficult to change the basis of the relationship when people met.

For example I know many people who are ten years younger than me, however the ones I met when I was twenty and they were a child still have that psychological gap, whereas eg met when we were 45 and 45 couldn't get a cigarette paper between as we met as adults.

I am also friends with many adults who are the same age as my parents, aunts and uncles, but again the relationship is different

It does feel a bit off

Sorry

TyneTeas · 01/03/2024 01:03

35 and 45 even!

Mumoftwo1312 · 01/03/2024 01:24

I'd back away, it doesn't feel right to me.

I'm in my mid 30s now, and I've been teaching A level my whole adult life. My oldest former pupils are now 31 years old (gasp).

I still wouldn't touch any of them with a bargepole.

I bumped into one in church the other day, he told me he's 25 now. He still looks exactly how I remember him and I distinctly remember the time he got a report full of low effort grades and I had to chat to his mum. I can't even imagine imagining to date him, gross, gross. The power dynamic remains. He called me Miss.

How could I ever date anyone who (has ever) called me Miss?!

These are the things that ought to be going through your teacher's head, op.

Original poster
conflicted0 · 01/03/2024 01:34

Mumoftwo1312 · 01/03/2024 01:24

I'd back away, it doesn't feel right to me.

I'm in my mid 30s now, and I've been teaching A level my whole adult life. My oldest former pupils are now 31 years old (gasp).

I still wouldn't touch any of them with a bargepole.

I bumped into one in church the other day, he told me he's 25 now. He still looks exactly how I remember him and I distinctly remember the time he got a report full of low effort grades and I had to chat to his mum. I can't even imagine imagining to date him, gross, gross. The power dynamic remains. He called me Miss.

How could I ever date anyone who (has ever) called me Miss?!

These are the things that ought to be going through your teacher's head, op.

It did feel weird, I am glad to hear from a teacher. I would love to ask you - did you know when students had a crush on you at the time? Would you pursue any of them as adults if you really fancied them?

OP posts:
Tatonka · 01/03/2024 01:36

H112 · 01/03/2024 00:12

Run for the hills. He knew you when you where a kid with acne. Nope.

Yeah this is what grosses me out

WandaWonder · 01/03/2024 01:45

However people answer will not be the same as your situation as you both are different people to the pp's

You do realise that?

It is not 'it ticks this box so it is ok or not'

Mumoftwo1312 · 01/03/2024 01:58

conflicted0 · 01/03/2024 01:34

It did feel weird, I am glad to hear from a teacher. I would love to ask you - did you know when students had a crush on you at the time? Would you pursue any of them as adults if you really fancied them?

Show quote history

Ugh. Yep. I've mostly taught in boys' schools and had my fair share of unwanted comments particularly when I was under 25. Teenage boys can be really oafish! I don't know if that counts as a "crush" or just boys being gross (and I did have to escalate inappropriate comments at times).

No, I would never pursue them even now they're adults. Even if one of the older students say, now 30, turned out to be really handsome (seems unlikely). Memories of parents' evenings would intrude. And how would I show my face to their parents, who once upon a time I'd be advising about homework etc?!

It's just so weird!

Edit - the yep was the crush question. Not pursuit!

Autienotnaughtie · 01/03/2024 03:13

It is legal. He wasn't inappropriate when you were a child, he hasn't groomed you and you legitimately met as adults.

But it still creeps me out, it would be a no from me.

shoppingshamed · 01/03/2024 03:22

conflicted0 · 01/03/2024 01:00

can you tell me more about these relationships? If not as posts as a private message?

Show quote history

Thats a well weird post, why would you want PMs about random relationships?

You know that teachers are just people not some kind of automotons who all act in the same way

BarbieDangerous · 01/03/2024 03:26

HollyKnight · 01/03/2024 00:25

Fgs you're an adult who randomly bumped into someone you knew as a teenager. He didn't groom you. He didn't act any way inappropriately with you. He didn't keep in touch with you. Stop trying to make him out to be a weirdo for being attracted to ADULT you.

Agreed

marshmallowfinder · 01/03/2024 03:28

If you want to, I'd go for it. I don't see a problem. Completely your choice. BTW, there's no such thing as a 'perfect' man. So let that idea go.

Newnamehiwhodis · 01/03/2024 03:28

Just proceed with caution- there may still be a power imbalance, with your respective ages in mind, and that he was your teacher in the past.
keep your power at all costs.

kittensinthekitchen · 01/03/2024 03:40

shoppingshamed · 01/03/2024 03:22

Thats a well weird post, why would you want PMs about random relationships?

You know that teachers are just people not some kind of automotons who all act in the same way

Show quote history

This whole thread is weird.

But yes, asking users to PM more details of their teacher/pupil dalliance? Mumsnet will call it troll hunting, but come on...

honeyandfizz · 01/03/2024 04:09

You like him he likes you. You're both consenting adults stop overthinking it.

Whereismyperiod2 · 01/03/2024 04:30

I’m a teacher. It’s a no from me with or without the weird talk about your glasses and stuff. I often bump into my ex students and they all call me “Miss” even though some are quite old now and just a few tears younger than me as I started teaching as soon as I could in terms of age.

Uol2022 · 01/03/2024 04:48

I married not a teacher but similar - someone who led a sports club I attended. Looked up to him a lot as a teenager. Same kind of teaching and mentoring dynamic. The power imbalance never went away. As time went on I increasingly got the ick from the age gap. At 18 of course I thought I was grown up, but in my mid to late 20s I realised there’s no way I’d date an 18 year old… so why was he happy to date me at that age? He didn’t exactly do anything wrong but it wasn’t a healthy relationship for me. Too difficult to disagree with him, tended to assume he knew best in all matters and put him in a pedestal. I think it could work though, in principle. You’re older than I was and there’s been more time in between so maybe it will all be fine. It’s kind of gross that he referenced your looks from when you were his student, that doesn’t give the impression of someone mature and wise.