Conflicted feelings after night with teacher

[conflicted0]

Hi mumsnet, kind of struggling with this, I (23) recently ran into my old English teacher at a bar (32). Things got very flirty, long story short we had sex. He’s messaging me asking for a date, which I really want to go on – because I used to have a massage crush on him (still definitely do).
There are some things that are making me torn,

1. He’s still a teacher
2. At the time I didn’t think he knew I had a massive crush on him, but when I told him he told me he knew
3. He made the first physical escalation (but I was flirty)

Obviously, I really want to go on this date with him, and I’d love this to be a crazy accident of fate – because I think he’s brilliant. He’s still just as smart and funny as I remember, and somehow better looking. I really enjoy talking about literature with him, which is something I’ve always struggled to connect with my previous boyfriends about, but I can’t shake the fact that he knew me when I was a teenager. Knew I had a massive crush on him while I was a child and preceded to have sex with me

Don’t get me wrong, it takes 2 to tango and I’m well aware of that, I was a willing participant and I’m not accusing him of anything non-consensual. I wan to go on this date but I’m not sure if that’s the inner schoolgirl, but there’s a little part of me that thinks maybe he might have done something bad – particularly the fact he’s still a teacher.

For the record I was a hideous teenager and had hideous acne, thick glasses, and braces, he never tried it on with me he was just very kind. I look very different now, but one thing that stuck out to me was that he told me he preferred me with glasses (which I don’t wear now)

I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it (I have a tendency to overthink), and I really want to go on this date, he’s the archetype of what I’ve always envisioned my perfect man to be. I really don’t know what to do, how much can one date hurt? Then I can decide after that, if I do go on the date with him is there anything I can ask him about?

Thanks in advance and please don’t be too harsh

This is just a very odd post.
OP from what you describe, this man seems very normal. The fact he was your teacher seems coincidental. He has had 0 contact with you since you left school.
What is the problem? What is it that you are struggling to say or think about? Are you always this cautious about potential partners? Or is there something particularly worrying about him? I think the glasses comment was most likely just him trying to put context to how you know one another. Of course you are going to try and make some references to the context.

I would be careful. Unless you are not sharing a vital piece of the story, you will end up painting a predatory picture of this man. Teachers are allowed to have a life.

It's a little weird, but you're both adults, so give it a go! (although if you were VERY young when he was your teacher then I'd say NO)

The funniest ep of Broad City (Season 4, Ep. 8) has a part about hooking up with their ex-teacher. Maybe a bit of humour could help, though it doesn't end well for them lol Trailer

The gaslighting in comments is insaaaaane.
We always say listen to your guts so do that. Your feelings are not nothing, trust that niggling voice. It feels off because it is off. Trust yourself, you have all the facts of the situation more than any MNer (or bloke) on here has.

You sound like you still see yourself as a school girl with a crush on your teacher. This is probably more about you than him. He is just a man that met a woman in a bar who was willing to have sex with him.

Have you enjoyed your PMs now @conflicted0?

The op has no ‘niggling voice’, re-read their posts- what are they asking for? Private messages about teacher/pupil encounters, that’s what!

Generally speaking I think it's fine. You bumped into him randomly after having zero contact.

But in your case specifically, it does sound like you're finding it a bit weird, in which case why continue?

She specifically said that she knew he hadn't done anything wrong and constantly emphasized the consensual nature etc etc.

But I would still be a bit weirded out. There is a sort of power imbalance in it being someone you had a massive crush on as a teenager and the fact he is someone you look up to. Especially the fact he knew child you had a massive crush and mentioned it. I dunno... I don't think it makes him a bad person exactly but it would put me off. It is up to you though - there are so many different responses this isnt one size fits all

Not quite the blank slate for him this suggests though.
He remembers her with her glasses well enough to have a preference to her wearing them than not.
From his pov she is not a random adult woman anymore than he is a random adult man, she has her associations and emotional connections, and he has his.
Is he getting weird kicks as an element of her appeal for him? Who knows... none of us know his thoughts.
But it could be part of the attraction, % unknown, so to suggest otherwise it's a bit disingenuous.

I think Daniel Radcliffe is hot and would sleep with him but I first saw him as a kid in the HP movies. It’s not that weird.

Bloke perspective - the glasses thing is an attempt at a reflective comment and nothing else. But if you feel off about it, leave it. However you or he have done nothing wrong.

He hasn't done anything illegal or groomed her, nobody is saying that. But there seem to be a couple of discordant notes that would be giving me pause.

What was the context of there glasses comment? He was actually saying he preferred your appearance or presentation as a pupil, what, proactively, or you said something self depricating about your looks improving without glasses (you probably wear contacts) and he assured you that you probably look even prettier with your glasses on?

As a PP says, he was quite quick to move to sex knowing the dynamic was a bit askew, and remembering your crush.

Re the crush, was he smug about this or matter of fact? Did you make it obvious at the time?

A few teachers have now said they would never view ex pupils as anything but that even with a smaller age gap than this. I'm not convinced it's a totally equal and normal footing especially because you're still young, there's quite an age gap (not enormous in itself but not the few years between an upper sixth former and an NQT) and it's not a huge amount of time that has elapsed.

I'm not a teacher but think I would feel similarly to PPs. However, early 20s ex pupil who used to have a crush that I was aware of would especially have the 'This isn't solid ground for a shag/date' bells ringing.

Perhaps I might feel differently as a 65 year old widow or divorcée meeting a 61 year old man in the same shoes whom I had taught many, many decades ago when I'd first qualified and didn't particularly remember much about.

This doesn't feel quite right to me. I'm just not sure you're comfortable with it all either and think most teachers would at least have taken things much, much slower if they'd gone there at all with a substantially younger ex pupil.l (expect most wouldn't).

You get a lot of posters who don't really see beyond the black and white 'is it illegal?' but listen to your gut and look at the nuance.

There are plenty of men out there who love literature. Perhaps you just need to be more specific with who you date.

I think it’s all good! Enjoy and don’t over think!

This is a good post and I'd add that from how the OP writes, she still seems to be in crush/idolisation mode. They're both adults but it doesn't seem like they're meeting on an equal footing.

Also just asked a (male) friend who's a teacher about this scenario and he messaged back "Jesus christ no" so it's not just the female teachers on this thread who think something's off. The rush to having sex rather than taking it slow is an alarm bell for sure.

Not illegal of course but this isn't a healthy dynamic to embark on.

Yes, unfortunately I agree with this.
I've known a couple of people who formed partnerships with a teacher before university, got married after graduating, and are no longer together. Also, working in universities, see a fair number of situations where an older member of staff dates a student, often well over 21 but still with a power imbalance, usually older man, either sex as younger party. As it happens, if I had been in a similar position as a student, I would have been very susceptible to that.

What sticks about the 2nd type of situation is that with almost all the senior roles, this turns out to be an intermittent pattern, not a special one-off. So they see students, plural, as fair game. Sometimes obviously, sometimes under the radar, probably both if they get away with it.

But there is no power imbalance here. The OP isn't a student and he isn't her teacher. It's a completely different relationship now. It's no different to dating an ex-boss five years after leaving the job.

This is a good post and I'd add that from how the OP writes, she still seems to be in crush/idolisation mode. They're both adults but it doesn't seem like they're meeting on an equal footing.
You put it better than me.

It's not the actual relationship that's off in my opinion, but more that the OP seems to have him on a bit of a pedestal in school girl with a crush mode rather than a viewing him as man she's reconnected in a new setting with and happened to have hit it off with.

If you are in Scotland the rules are different and you wouldn't be able to date

This isn't true. Of course the law doesn't stop you dating adult former students you have no educational power over.

Gross.
I think it's highly inappropriate.
The glasses comment is gross too.

I'd be suspicious too that when he was teaching he was looking at the other teenage girls, and fantasizing about them also 😷

Legally there's no power imbalance, but that doesn't mean that there isn't one.

@ClareBlue

GTC rules have a timespan for dating former pupils which can lead to removal from the profession.

I was team 'You're both adults so just enjoy it'...
...until you mentioned that he preferred tou with glasses. And the last time you had glasses, you were a teen. That's kinda creepy.

Maybe it was a one off flyaway comment. But any more red flags, then run for the hills.

Well no, a boss has a completely different relationship and duty of care to an employee then a teacher does to a pupil (a child or teenager) . This creates a different balance of power and responsibility which may remain uneven for some time, especially with an age gap and the vulnerability of some pupils. It sounds like Scottish law reflects this.

Genuinely nothing like dating an old boss.

I think at the very least there would have had to be enough time for the pupil to have left that role and gained sufficient experience as an established adult for the old imbalances, any crushes etc, to have long disappeared and for them to feel like true equals. I genuinely don't think early 20s is long enough for this to have happened (no reflection on the OP, I mean in any case).

This just feels icky to me. I’ve worked with children and I couldn’t imagine ever dating one, even if they were well into adulthood when we met again. For me there is something weird about the dynamic and the first meeting having been when one person was in a position of power over another and had responsibility for another. Just can’t see how that dynamic can morph into something healthy.

Also the young adults I know, who I have known since childhood, I can’t think of as anything but children. My memory of them as children is too fresh to be able to see them as “datable”.