Conflicted feelings after night with teacher

[conflicted0]

Hi mumsnet, kind of struggling with this, I (23) recently ran into my old English teacher at a bar (32). Things got very flirty, long story short we had sex. He’s messaging me asking for a date, which I really want to go on – because I used to have a massage crush on him (still definitely do).
There are some things that are making me torn,

1. He’s still a teacher
2. At the time I didn’t think he knew I had a massive crush on him, but when I told him he told me he knew
3. He made the first physical escalation (but I was flirty)

Obviously, I really want to go on this date with him, and I’d love this to be a crazy accident of fate – because I think he’s brilliant. He’s still just as smart and funny as I remember, and somehow better looking. I really enjoy talking about literature with him, which is something I’ve always struggled to connect with my previous boyfriends about, but I can’t shake the fact that he knew me when I was a teenager. Knew I had a massive crush on him while I was a child and preceded to have sex with me

Don’t get me wrong, it takes 2 to tango and I’m well aware of that, I was a willing participant and I’m not accusing him of anything non-consensual. I wan to go on this date but I’m not sure if that’s the inner schoolgirl, but there’s a little part of me that thinks maybe he might have done something bad – particularly the fact he’s still a teacher.

For the record I was a hideous teenager and had hideous acne, thick glasses, and braces, he never tried it on with me he was just very kind. I look very different now, but one thing that stuck out to me was that he told me he preferred me with glasses (which I don’t wear now)

I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it (I have a tendency to overthink), and I really want to go on this date, he’s the archetype of what I’ve always envisioned my perfect man to be. I really don’t know what to do, how much can one date hurt? Then I can decide after that, if I do go on the date with him is there anything I can ask him about?

Thanks in advance and please don’t be too harsh

If there is this much angst just don't date him!

Isn’t that just something men say when they’re struggling for a compliment or trying to be cool and edgy?

I guess there's always a concern when there's a power imbalance in a relationship. The way you write about him makes me a bit concerned that you are still hero-worshipping a bit. And if he's hoping you're going to be adoring and uncritical, like a love-sick teenager with a massive crush, then this wouldn't be a healthy basis for a relationship.

This is what i thought too

I think that you should listen to your gut, and it sounds like your gut is telling you it's weird.

I think there's quite a bit imbalance of power here, would you really be going into this as equals? It sounds like your instinct is saying no.

Just saw he said he preferred you with glasses, so gross. I think you need to run for the hills and don't waste any more of your 20s on someone who fantasises about when you were a child. You wouldn't ever really know if he was thinking the same about his current pupils.

You're both adults so there's nothing wrong with it in itself if you're both interested.

But I'd do some reflection on whether your dynamic is two adults meeting years later, or whether there's a little bit of hero worship on your side. If the dynamic is school girl crush and ex teacher having an ego boost then that's probably time to walk away.

I don’t like that he said he knew you had a crush on him as a pupil. Even if he did know, I don’t like that he told you this. It puts you on the back foot somehow.

I don't see that there is any 'imbalance of power'. He was your teacher once. Now you are both adults. Any power imbalance that once existed no longer exists.
I think you are massively over thinking it. Would it be better if he had changed career? I don't get the issue tbh.

It's the same as meeting someone you knew as a teenager when you and they looked one way and were at different life stages , then meeting them again 20 years later when looks and life stages have changed and feeling differently about them. What's the problem?

You've already had sex so why not go on a date?

Your last 2 messages @conflicted0 are creepy- makes it sounds like you are fishing for teacher/pupil stories.

I'm a teacher and I think it is icky and inappropriate on his part. Like others have said, I've taught in the same town for 15 years and often see ex students out and about, I can't imagine seeing someone I've taught in that way. Regardless of legality I would judge a teacher that did this, and whether he cares about that or not, his reputation will follow him, teaching is a small world.

yes ☝️ I wasn’t sure (and not sure why) till I read the glasses comment.

Yes it does, doesn’t it. Very odd.

He was pretty swift to get in your pants which I daresay was partly cos he knew that you're boundaries would be softer due to your own feelings (I'd be amazed if he wasn't aware of your crush back then, adults can read kids pretty easily).
You'll never know how much of the act sleeping with you is giving him a little kick of 'bedding a pupil' and how much is adult to adult mutual attraction and respect...
For me the fact that he was pretty quick to go there is creepy. The pp who is a teacher is giving great insight, I could imagine you getting past that (maybe) if you first developed an adult relationship over time where those associations could fade... But that's not what happened. You can't pretend it's a clean slate your relationship is looking standing as one of teacher pupil, that isn't magicked away because time has gone by, it would take time to overlay and become something else and something new.
Creepy, I think, that's not happened.

I'm an ex teacher so perhaps this has coloured my view. It FEELS inappropriate to me. But I'm not sure it's for the reason that people might think. I DO think it's weird. I've seen students grow up into attractive adults and although you notice, there is definitely an "ick" when you taught them and I would never ever consider (or want!) going there. I know it isn't illegal, he hasn't groomed you and you are both adults.

BUT - you sound like you idolised him then and you idolise him still now. I feel that can be dangerous in terms of power imbalance. I think it can be difficult to shake that off. I would be aware of this if you decide to date him - are you still viewing him through a teenagers rose tinted spectacles?

You’re not a teenager anymore and he’s not doing anything inappropriate whatsoever. You’re way over thinking it. I used to date my teacher when I was at college, on the quiet. Now there’s definitely something inappropriate about that! At the time I thought it was ok. As I was 19/20 (he was late 20’s) and an adult but now I’m a parent with teens I think very differently about it. But this guy was your teacher years ago so just go and enjoy as you clearly like him and have some shared interests.

Gross. Haven't you listened to the Teachers Pet podcast? As others have said there is a power imbalance and he clearly finds it attractive. Run don't walk - as they say.

He’s an adult, you’re and adult, and he’s not doing anything wrong. If you want to go on the date then go on the date.

I think it is gross. He is enjoying the fact that you fancied him when you were underage, and he clearly gave that some thought at the time.

It's not about whether someone is doing anything "wrong" or not. The power dynamic feels off, because you do come across as hero worshiping him, so I don't think you are able to see him as an equal.

If he last saw you with glasses when you were a teenager he’s essentially said I preferred your appearance when you were a teenager. On that basis I’d run.

Why?

The ex student marrying the teacher may had a silver anniversary but we don't know whether the teacher was a paedo or continued to flirt with current or past school girls. Many inappropriate things have gone on in the past that are utterly repungnant now. We also don't know where the couple lived or what cultural backgrounds. These 'happy' stories gloss over so much, cherry picking the bit that suits the point they are pushing.

I think your liaison sounds gross. I would put money on him eyeing up students still, with social media it's easy for things to escalate, too.
You sound like you are starving for a bit of kindness ans attention from someone in a position of authority validating your worth. This is a dangerous position to be in because it makes you vulnerable to exploitation and as long as you are looking for validation in the wrong places and from the wrong people your self esteem and worth is tied up to this fragile supply that at any moment can be withdrawn leaving you in a worse position than before.

Personally I think there’s nothing wrong he didn’t groom you or wait years and pounce

but you feel how you feel so back away really unfair on him to pursue any relationship when you feel like this