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Original poster

Should I contact OW

84 replies

cantstandit · 27/02/2024 04:51

i found some photos on my DH’s phone, they were provocative but not explicit and some overly “friendly” messages. Things like “makes my day when I see you” “you look good today” “when are we going to have dinner”

He has done this before so I’m now preparing for divorce. I am tempted to contact OW (we used to speak due to his work). I want her to know I know (she is also married with children).

what should I do?

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 27/02/2024 04:55

For what reason? what do you want her to say you both have bad choices in men?

Meadowfinch · 27/02/2024 05:05

What are you trying to achieve?
She knows he is married, she doesn't care. So her reaction to your message will be to ignore you or to be triumphant. I doubt she will feel intimidated.
Will either make you feel better? Are you planning to contact her husband?
How will all of this impact the children involved?
It sounds like an unholy mess and the best thing you can do is extract yourself with dignity.

CrimsonC · 27/02/2024 05:12

The thing is, she just won't care. If it brings you some peace of mind, I don't see the harm, but not sure it will.

Stand strong and divorce him, what a a absolute bastard - second time? Spring get you won't put up with it and are moving on, is the best 'revenge' you can do.

CrimsonC · 27/02/2024 05:12

Gah. Stand strong and don't put up with it *

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/02/2024 05:19

I'd contact her. Why not? She may back off if she thinks you might tell her DH. Sometimes poor behaviour needs calling out.

Netaporter · 27/02/2024 05:22

Your dish would be better served if you get your ducks in a row and kick him out. Then you can message her and advise that she can have your reject. That way, she’ll know he didn’t ever choose her, she was a port in a storm.

Sorry you are going through this.

Tilllly · 27/02/2024 05:35

I'm sorry @cantstandit
It's crap for you

No. Don't contact her, at least not yet. You need to have all your 🦆 🦆🦆🦆 lined up. Don't show your hand

WandaWonder · 27/02/2024 05:37

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/02/2024 05:19

I'd contact her. Why not? She may back off if she thinks you might tell her DH. Sometimes poor behaviour needs calling out.

Back of from what? if it was husband cheating the OW would be welcome to him, why would she need to back off? it would be over for me

stopthinkingaboutit · 27/02/2024 06:06

I'd probably have to contact her just so that she knows that you know.

I'd also get pleasure from the fact that she may then be worried her husband would find out!

Rania78 · 27/02/2024 06:14

cantstandit · 27/02/2024 04:51

He has done this before so I’m now preparing for divorce. I am tempted to contact OW (we used to speak due to his work). I want her to know I know (she is also married with children).

what should I do?

Contact her hisbamd of course. Actions have consequences. She should pay as well.

Rania78 · 27/02/2024 06:15

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/02/2024 05:19

I'd contact her. Why not? She may back off if she thinks you might tell her DH. Sometimes poor behaviour needs calling out.

For what? To keep the husband? Why would she want to keep this trush of a man?

Usernamechange1234 · 27/02/2024 06:36

I’d send the messages to the husband then ducks in a row and divorce. I’d not play their game at all. But the husband deserves to know what his wife is up to behind his back.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Newphonnearlythere · 27/02/2024 07:07

Have you confronted him and what does he have to say for himself? Is it a full blown affair or merely flirtation etc? It is your husband you need to be addressing this with not OW. However, if it were me, I'd be getting my ducks in a row to divorce, THEN send messages and pics to her husband as he deserves to know his reality and have agency.

I'm very sorry the rat has done this again after you had the grace and patience to give him another chance. Tbh, he could never be trusted and who wants to spend their life always wondering what their OH is up to?

Durdledore · 27/02/2024 07:18

Don’t tell her husband, that’s their life and unkind to do that. Just concentrate on your own situation. I wouldn’t message the OW. Just go ahead with your divorce - your relationship is with him, not these perifery people.

circlesand · 27/02/2024 07:21

a) If you are going to divorce your husband she will know soon enough anyway and
b) She won't care

So no, I wouldn't bother contacting her.

Janehasamane · 27/02/2024 07:22

What does preparing for divorce look like in reality?

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 07:40

Get yourself organised and in a safe situation, then forward the messages to her husband he deserves to know.

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 07:41

Durdledore · 27/02/2024 07:18

It’s not ‘kind’ to live a lie and be at risk from STIs. I would be furious in his position not to know.

Durdledore · 27/02/2024 07:46

@Newchapterbeckons And I wouldn’t want to know and I would want to protect my kids from it too. We’re all different. You can’t assume what other people will want, is what I’m saying.

Pickles2023 · 27/02/2024 07:47

If i was to contact anyone it would be her DH so he can at least consent to whats going on, its awful to have others know more then you about your own family. I would want to know.

But i wouldn't contact her as she knows he is married and i wouldn't want to give her any satisfaction. Id rather move on with contempt for them both.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/02/2024 07:52

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/02/2024 05:19

I'd contact her. Why not? She may back off if she thinks you might tell her DH. Sometimes poor behaviour needs calling out.

This .

My fiance had an Affair with a woman at work a few years ago and I felt I should take the high road and be dignified.. another woman in my social circle had a similar experience at the same time and she went nuclear - at the time people praised me saying I was doing so much better, but tbh I think she got all her feelings out much better than I did and moved on both mentally and romantically years before I did

Why hold back and make her life easier? I'd also throw in 'tell his mum on him too'

Skodacool · 27/02/2024 07:52

My inclination would be to wish her better luck when him than you’ve had. They’re both cheats after all.

OneMerryRedSnail · 27/02/2024 07:53

Just do nothing OP and get on quietly with your divorce.

Neither of them are worth you even thinking about.

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 27/02/2024 07:55

Durdledore · 27/02/2024 07:18

I think it’s unkind not to tell OW husband. Why should he be kept in the dark?

swiftieNI · 27/02/2024 07:55

My ex husband had an emotional flirty affair with a mum at school. We split up over it but I was ashamed so initially I never told anyone the real reason for the split.

She had the cheek to sympathise with me at school one day so in a fit of anger I sent the screenshots to her partner.

He forgave her and they are still together. I didn't feel any better either. I wish I'd maintained my dignity. Hay ho you live and learn.

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