Should I contact OW

[cantstandit]

i found some photos on my DH’s phone, they were provocative but not explicit and some overly “friendly” messages. Things like “makes my day when I see you” “you look good today” “when are we going to have dinner”

He has done this before so I’m now preparing for divorce. I am tempted to contact OW (we used to speak due to his work). I want her to know I know (she is also married with children).

what should I do?

So sorry this has happened OP. Good for you for not standing for it.

I wouldn't contact the other woman. They often delude themselves that they have been chosen because they're 'special'. In fact it is because they have low morals and are so desperate for a man, they are more appealing to weak men than their wives/partners because they're easier to control and manipulate emotionally and turn into ego feeders. If you contact her she will likely misconstrue it as jealousy and I doubt you will get any benefit from anything she has to say.

I am in two minds as to whether you should tell her husband. I think the possibility of him catching an STDs is the most persuasive argument for doing so. But you do not owe him anything. It is not your responsibility to keep him safe so I don't think you should feel obliged to tell him.

As tempting as it is I would try to not get invested in doing anything for revenge. Let your anger and hurt empower you to move forward. You honestly will feel amazing once you do that and will soon realise you don't care what happens to any of them.

provocative but not explicit and some overly “friendly” messages. Things like “makes my day when I see you” “you look good today” “when are we going to have dinner”

He's also gas lighting you saying you've misunderstood/misinterpreted the situation.

If he saw this between you and another man, how exactly would he interpret the situation? And don't listen to any lies he tells of that question if out to him.

They are, at the v least, having an emotional affair.

And you say it's not his first.

Whether he has sex or sexual contact with them or not (and it's unusual for there to be no sexual interaction or contact), you should not have to be subjected to emotional affairs by your life partner. He's supposed to be your partner. Would he put up with it from you?

(Even if he would, very unlikely - that still wouldn't mean you should put up with it).

It's in opposition to everything that a partnership is supposed to be.

"Makes my day when I see you" is not something an attached person should be saying to anyone but their partner.

And it's not platonic (which would be tremendously ott if platonic anyway) because of the provocative pics and physical compliments etc).

It's equally inappropriate to be arranging to meet one on one for date type activities - when the above is the case.

You aren't misinterpreting anything.

When my ex left for the OW I contacted her husband and we went out for a drink and compared notes 😂😂😂

It was a very cathartic experience

Hear hear.

I wouldn't bother with contacting her .... What sort of person is sending provocative pics etc. to another woman's partner while coupled up herself .... You won't get anything useful there.

I would, however, get copies of all pics and correspondence and send them to her h, there must be a way of getting contact details for him.

@cantstandit well done for standing your ground and showing him you know your worth.

I would also want to blow up OW's relationship. It's not fair that she walks away unscathed while your world imploded. Don't message her though. It gives her time to tell her own partner that you are crazy and obsessed so he won't believe anything you tell him.

Find out his name and their address and send him a letter with print outs of the worst content. He can then make his own decisions. Or his email if you can find it?

Otherwise, just walk away and live your best life. That is really how you come out on top. Let your ex see you thrive and be happy without him.

OP hasn’t ‘broken up two families’. If that happens, her husband and the OW were the ones who chose to indulge in behaviour that ends relationships, regardless of how anyone finds out.
They took the risk, there are consequences for behaviour like that and they knew it and did it anyway.
The OW’s husband deserves to know what’s going on in his marriage so that he has the same choices as his wife. OP is not in any way to blame for any divorces which may happen. They are.

She didn't care about him being married before. What makes you think she is going to bother now you know?
The most likely is that she is going to try to protect herself telling bullshit to her husband and God knows who.
YOU had had enough of him, that is the important thing. YOU, create drama now the decision is made will distract you to the main point which is kick his arse out your life.
Congratulations on the decision.

i just came back to say the divorce papers have arrived. I’m now waiting for DH’s response..he still doesn’t believe I will actually divorce and thinks it’s a massive overreaction on my part.

I hope I can stay strong enough to see it through. I’m so dreadfully sad for our DC.

As for OW I decided not to contact right now I just want to keep the fallout contained for sake of my DC.

One day at a time and thanks for the support.