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Original poster

Should I contact OW

84 replies

cantstandit · 27/02/2024 04:51

i found some photos on my DH’s phone, they were provocative but not explicit and some overly “friendly” messages. Things like “makes my day when I see you” “you look good today” “when are we going to have dinner”

He has done this before so I’m now preparing for divorce. I am tempted to contact OW (we used to speak due to his work). I want her to know I know (she is also married with children).

what should I do?

OP posts:
AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 27/02/2024 07:56

swiftieNI · 27/02/2024 07:55

My ex husband had an emotional flirty affair with a mum at school. We split up over it but I was ashamed so initially I never told anyone the real reason for the split.

She had the cheek to sympathise with me at school one day so in a fit of anger I sent the screenshots to her partner.

He forgave her and they are still together. I didn't feel any better either. I wish I'd maintained my dignity. Hay ho you live and learn.

Sorry this happened to you. I think you did the right thing though. Yes he stayed with her, but at least you telling him meant he had the choice to do that x

Durdledore · 27/02/2024 08:31

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 27/02/2024 07:55

I think it’s unkind not to tell OW husband. Why should he be kept in the dark?

Show quote history

Who gave you the power to decide if he wants to be told? It’s their life, not yours.

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 08:34

Durdledore · 27/02/2024 08:31

Who gave you the power to decide if he wants to be told? It’s their life, not yours.

Show quote history

Who gives anyone the power to withhold such important information?

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 08:34

Durdledore · 27/02/2024 07:46

@Newchapterbeckons And I wouldn’t want to know and I would want to protect my kids from it too. We’re all different. You can’t assume what other people will want, is what I’m saying.

I am beginning to think you are the other woman!

Twiggylet · 27/02/2024 08:39

Yes contact the ow. You’ll confront your dp so also confront the woman he’s been unfaithful with. Do not forward her pics to her dp (that’s revenge porn). But I would also inform him too.

This whole movement to only blame your dp and not the ow TOO is ridiculous. To purposely and knowingly hurt someone else is wrong and should be confronted.

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 27/02/2024 08:39

Durdledore · 27/02/2024 08:31

Who gave you the power to decide if he wants to be told? It’s their life, not yours.

Show quote history

I don’t have the power to decide. If I did though, if it was me, that’s what I would do.

Namechange666 · 27/02/2024 08:46

Tell her husband instead so he can make a choice whether to stay with his rat since you aren't staying with yours.

TheAverageJoanne · 27/02/2024 08:46

I hope you took screenshots and/or forwarded them to your own phone (and then deleted the sent ones from his phone).

CrimsonC · 27/02/2024 08:50

Who gave you the power to decide if he wants to be told? It’s their life, not yours.

I'm not saying it's a good/bad idea, but why would you need to blessed by a third party before telling the spouse? As long as there's no sexual photos, any of us is free to tell them.

They can then do whatever they want with that knowledge

Janiie · 27/02/2024 09:03

Of course you should contact her, why ever not? I've no idea why folk think ow or om should only be talked about in hushed voices and treated with dignity.
Bollock him, leave him whatever you need to do but bollock her too. People, whether it be men or women, trying to detroy other people's relationships really need to be giving some home truths. It might be cathartic!

ohskedaddle · 27/02/2024 09:06

I’d send the messages to the husband then ducks in a row and divorce. I’d not play their game at all. But the husband deserves to know what his wife is up to behind his back.

At no point in the OP does it mention what she said back to him? I'm not defending him in any way and he'd be packing his bags in this house but I think we need to know what her response was.

Blackcats7 · 27/02/2024 09:18

Do whatever makes you feel best.
I would shame the pair of them in any way possible. Even if it gives her a seconds discomfort it’s worth it imo.

Suchagroovyguy · 27/02/2024 10:31

Meh. Send the screengrabs to the husband, say no more about it. Divorce the cunt you’re married to. Live happily ever after.

Catoo · 27/02/2024 10:38

I think more information is required before we can answer. Does OH know you have seen those? Does he know you’re going to divorce him? Have you seen a solicitor?

Generally though I can’t understand why you want to acknowledge OW in any way. Whatever you say, she won’t give a shiny shit. And if anything it will add to whatever exciting drama is playing out in her head. I would completely blank her if ever I saw her and definitely wouldn’t lower myself to message her.

I’d also leave her husband alone. You have no idea what their dynamic is.

I’m sorry that your OH is a prick.
💐

Sdpbody · 27/02/2024 10:39

Absolutely tell the OW's DH. I would also be telling their work. But, I am a huge bitch and I would go mad.

Suchagroovyguy · 27/02/2024 10:43

ohskedaddle · 27/02/2024 09:06

I’d send the messages to the husband then ducks in a row and divorce. I’d not play their game at all. But the husband deserves to know what his wife is up to behind his back.

At no point in the OP does it mention what she said back to him? I'm not defending him in any way and he'd be packing his bags in this house but I think we need to know what her response was.

HE sent the messages. The OP said he’s done it before. So she’s divorcing him.

Newestname002 · 27/02/2024 14:06

@cantstandit

I wouldn't contact her, OP. Keep your powder dry and focus on getting your ducks in a row instead.

IF you feel the need, screenshot their messages and pictures for when you're at the point where you've received your final financial agreement and decree absolute and to avoid being gaslit by your husband.

Use the energy you'd use on him and the OW to power through the process as much as possible and sort out a new life for yourself. 🌹

BumperCars · 27/02/2024 14:18

I would message her saying she is one of many and very welcome to the lying cheat, you've been wanting rid of him.
I would also inform her you've given her husband the heads up. (Let her stew)

Thewookiemustgo · 27/02/2024 14:38

Protecting yourself and your future should be your priority.

I absolutely understand your wanting to contact the OW, but I’d take a breath and a step back and dig deep into why you want to contact her.
If it’s for information for any reason, I wouldn’t bother. Affairs are based on lies and both she and your husband are proven liars. If she feels antagonistic towards you she will make you feel as bad as she can, if she feels guilt or pity she will patronise your and you certainly don’t need that from her either. Personally I’d maintain my dignity and stay away from direct contact.
If it’s purely for revenge I’d also say no, she probably won’t care anyway, she certainly hasn’t up to this point and she needs no further ammunition from you, Lord knows what codswallop she’s already been fed about you by your husband.
I am however an advocate of informing her husband, as he has an absolute right to know that any agency in his marriage and his right to informed sexual consent is being denied him. I’d attach proof, since if she wants to save her marriage, she might spin your revelation as that of a jealous crazy woman who has mistaken her ‘innocent’ friendship with your husband for something more and he might believe her. After that it’s up to them what they do but at least the bare facts are out in the open.

I would do all your homework re important paperwork, financial information and legal advice towards divorce first though, as you have no idea of what you might be dealing with. This could be an occasional fling and he has no idea you are going to leave him, or something more which is already being planned for behind your back and he might be way ahead of the game.
Take nothing at face value and don’t trust a word either of them might say on discovery, it will be all about minimisation, lies and crocodile tears at best, and denial and gaslighting at worst.
Neither she nor your husband will be reliable sources of information.
Getting the truth when you confront anyone about their affair is as likely as finding the winning Euromillions ticket under a pile of Unicorn shit having been bitten by a hen.

Aposterhasnoname · 27/02/2024 15:44

I did, and it was the best thing I ever did. Her husband went nuclear on them both, she cut contact with my ex instantly. And I dumped his sorry ass too, so he ended up on his own in a grotty flat regretting his life choices. No idea if she’s still with her husband and don’t care. Gave me enormous satisfaction to know that those two cheating bastards didn’t get their happy ever after.

Rania78 · 27/02/2024 15:47

BumperCars · 27/02/2024 14:18

I would message her saying she is one of many and very welcome to the lying cheat, you've been wanting rid of him.
I would also inform her you've given her husband the heads up. (Let her stew)

Epic 😁

Rania78 · 27/02/2024 15:48

Aposterhasnoname · 27/02/2024 15:44

I did, and it was the best thing I ever did. Her husband went nuclear on them both, she cut contact with my ex instantly. And I dumped his sorry ass too, so he ended up on his own in a grotty flat regretting his life choices. No idea if she’s still with her husband and don’t care. Gave me enormous satisfaction to know that those two cheating bastards didn’t get their happy ever after.

Also epic 😁. You are an absolute Goddess

Nap1983 · 27/02/2024 15:50

Id 100% tell her husband and anyone who'd listen… pair of C*s

Bitsiemcgee · 27/02/2024 15:54

Sdpbody · 27/02/2024 10:39

Absolutely tell the OW's DH. I would also be telling their work. But, I am a huge bitch and I would go mad.

Why on earth would you tell their work? What do you think that would achieve other than making yourself look nuts?

manipulatrice · 27/02/2024 16:01

Yup, contact her.

Don't expect much, but do it. I am sick of all of this dignified silence shit. She's as big of a see you next Tuesday as he is.