Should I contact OW

[cantstandit]

i found some photos on my DH’s phone, they were provocative but not explicit and some overly “friendly” messages. Things like “makes my day when I see you” “you look good today” “when are we going to have dinner”

He has done this before so I’m now preparing for divorce. I am tempted to contact OW (we used to speak due to his work). I want her to know I know (she is also married with children).

what should I do?

Tell her work? 😂😂😂😂😂

I'd definetly tell her husband.

Put the pics on facebook and tag dh, ow and her husband and then move out and move on.

I completely get the ‘contact her, don’t need to rise above it’ stuff but ime that is EXACTLY the drama these people love. The drama triangle is part of the pull into affairs.

Don't give her any credence or relevance.

I really wish I hadn’t contacted the OW in my situation she loved it and was absolutely evil to me.

But contacting the husband is just the right thing to do morally. Whether or not you personally would want to know, once an affair is in play it’s simply the ONLY way to ensure you’ve handed back their personal agency and right to informed sexual consent.

What they do with that info is entirely their decision it’s not about revenge, it’s about returning what has been taken from them. It’s certainly kinder than helping the cheats by keeping it quiet!!!

Anyway I really hope you’re ok OP, it’s an awful lot to process especially as he is a repeat offender.

Pretty sure they are grown adults who knew very well the risks involved why should the innocent party stay quiet?

I’d contact the husband. He is at risk of stds and deserves to know. I wouldn’t tell your husband or the other woman that you intend to let him know. I would try and speak to him and then offer evidence.

As you seem to be okay and as planning to divorce I would seek legal advice and serve him divorce papers. I wouldn’t discuss it, I’d just get on with it. On the same day i told him I am divorcing him I would tell the OW husband.

I wouldn’t speak to her.

What if the OW's husband catches HIV from his cheating wife?

How would you feel, knowing your silence helped to put the poor man into a risky vulnerable position, that he did not consent to (cheating wife, having unprotected sex potentially with multiple men), and this ended up with OW's husband catching HIV?

Or better yet, raising a child which is not his, but being told that it is?

OP tell and send proof to the OW's husband. He deserves to know. It's the decent thing to do. What he does with that information, is his business.

Also tell your husband's family, his mum, siblings etc. He will no doubt tell them lies. But you should tell them the truth, with evidence, before he can spin those lies.

I'd be contacting the husband too TBH - and a solicitor!

I told the OW husband.

The whole 'be the bigger person' is bullshit.

My bigness and dignity is not measured by my ability to quietly absorb dishonesty, cheating and mental abuse.

I think it depends on what you want to get out of it op. My husband had an online flirty emotional affair and I did contact her partner because I needed to know if there was more to it than what he was admitting to. I gave him the information I had and asked if he could let me know if he finds out they met in person etc or if there was more to it. If I was going to leave him anyway then I'd have still told the other spouse purely because if it was me I'd want to know.

I wouldn't be contacting her though because what would that gain you.

@HenleyHenley 🍷 - right there with you!

I wouldn't waste my time or energy on someone who would cheat. It doesn't matter what she says, does or how she reacts. She's proven untrustworthy and nothing she has to say will have any credibility and it really isn't worth listening to.

I would tell her husband on the basis that if he knew before I did, I would appreciate if he told me.

Thank you, it’s really helped me to read your all your replies this evening!
I don’t think OW DH uses social media - I can’t find anything and I don’t know how else I could contact him.
I want to stay angry, I want the divorce. DH almost laughed at me when I said I wanted divorce, he doesn’t believe I will do it because of impact on our family/DC. He says I’ve misunderstood the entire situation which is why I was thinking of contacting OW.. At same time he is now being really nice and kind to me and DC (after months of being absolutely horrible and making me feel I can’t do anything right). I think telling family might help, my silence makes me feel complicit in his actions. I definitely do not want to stay with him after this. Thank you 🙏

Well done for being strong OP. What a twat he is laughing at you.
One day at a time. Get your divorce and move on to better things.

Regarding OW husband. I would leave well alone. You don’t know how he will react. He could be violent. He could come round and cause trouble for your family.

Focus on yourself and DC
💐

She's irrelevant to you, she's not your problem and you're not hers. Focus on the cheating pathetic lump of human scum you're married to. He's the one who's shat on you.

He’s not forgiven her he’s just accepted he’s married to a piece of trash! Also he knows what scum he’s married to. You’ve done him a favour by not being taken for a ride so hold your head high

Chin chin!

What if they infected you with an std?
That's a common way some people find out they're being cheated on?
What if it was hpv and upped your health risks?

What if they were spending your family money on themselves (common)?
What if they were making excuses to spend time together the impacted on you and your kids family/quality time?

What if people found out ..as often happens .. and your marriage was then seen as a joke?

What if your partner actually planned to leave you sooner or later?
What if they arranged finances or other things to suit that aim?

(Oh and even if they don't leave you that time, it's very clear from this forum that affair havers often leave for another ow in the future).

Would you still not want to know?

Ostrich head is very foolish for any number of reasons.

Likewise your argument is contradictory .. you can't know if someone would want to know; exactly .. because you can't know if they wouldn't want to know either.

He forgave her and they are still together

Two important words missing there ... So far.

@cantstandit why break up two familys ?

I’m counselling the OP to stick to her own experience. Don’t contact the OW and don’t contact her husband.

Focus on her own relationship and leave them to theirs.

Did the ow leave op's relationship alone?

Stick to her own experience - her experience involves another woman ... Because that woman chose to get involved with a man who has a wife/partner and family.

It is also frankly immoral to know someone is a victim of cheating and not inform them; you are helping take their agency away from them.

Oh and the above post does not mean that the greatest responsibility doesn't lie with ops husband. It obviously does.

But when you choose to involve yourself romantically and sexually with another person's partner (even worse when kids are involved), you lose the right to be "left alone" and left out of things and have no consequences etc.

People have been murdered for cheating with men and women's partners, it's not ok or sane obviously, but nonetheless it goes to show the extreme end of the consequences for interfering with other human's mates and families. You take risks when you cheat with other people's partners; risks of attack (in whatever form) and damage from the betrayed spouse, risk of damage to your own partnership and family, if and when the cheating is discovered)and it usually is). It could be that your partner discovers it on their own or they are told by someone who knows. Those are the risks you take..... If you don't understand that, you're very foolish, arrogant and deluded indeed. And it's no-one else's problem but yours that you're foolish, arrogant and deluded.

The cheaters proceed on the basis that they'll not found out (unless they choose to leave at some point) this is also delusional, abd again it's no-one else's responsibility to prevent them being affected by the consequences of such foolishness and arrogance.

Who said the other family will break up?

The husband may decide to stay.

But whatever he does, it's his right to have agency in his relationship and life.

He should make the decision to stay in that partnership knowing relevant facts. And your partner being involved with someone else is a very relevant fact indeed.

Also families can be made of a parent and their kids; if he leaves his cheating partner, his kids are still his kids, he is still their Dad, they are still a "family".

A household and a family are two different things.

Adults are not sacrificial lambs to keep kids households together, while they (the adults) are being betrayed, mistreated and abused.

Personally I'd contact the husband and tell him what they have been up to

DH almost laughed at me when I said I wanted divorce, he doesn’t believe I will do it because of impact on our family/DC

So he uses your devotion to and care for your kids to mistreat and abuse you, in one of the most fundamental ways someone can abuse another person.

He does what he wants, betrays and mistreats you in the belief he can get away with it because you're "going nowhere"; because you won't want to change your kids living arrangements etc.

That is truly despicable...it's not even hyperbole to call it evil.

He thinks he's in a position of power and he can do what he likes/treat you how he likes. He's happy to do things that would badly affect his kids .. and expect their mother to absorb pain, betrayal etc. so they are not affected in that way.

His thinking and behaviour is a reflection of a character that it would be unwise to continue to hitch your wagon to. He's fundamentally immoral. He's not a "safe" or decent life partner.