DH says I'm snappy at the DC

[Ohisitjustme]

I'm a SAHM - I work a day a week sometimes but not even 4 a month. At home the rest of the time with our 2 DC age 6&2. DH works from home sometimes, out sometimes so he's around a lot. He pops in and out during the day but him being around doesn't mean I get a break IYSWIM , it means the DC see him though.

He's said that I'm snappy and impatient and that my life is not stressful enough to warrant my responses. Not all the time, maybe 15% of the time.

I agree with him and I do snap BUT - doesn't everyone? Or is it just me?

Example : DC might be dragging something around the floor making a noise for the 14th time that day and I'll say "for God's sake stop making that noise". Noise continues and I'll say in a raised voice "I can't listen to that anymore, GET THE TOY OUT".

From DH point of view I'm snappy. From my point of view I have reached my limit with the noise and the toy was also dragged around yesterday, the day before, the day before that etc.

I haven't had a full night's sleep in 7 years (maybe 10 full nights sleep). I'm woken a few times every night. I never get to go to the loo alone. I'm trying to cook, clean, do laundry etc while also minding the kids.

Is everyone else always patient with their children? I do need snap less and will work on this.

Any thoughts?

Yeah that’s a horrible way to talk to a child and it does need to stop.
The problem is you’re burned out though. Why aren’t you sleeping? That seems like the first thing to sort.
You can go to the toilet alone!

If you haven't had a full nugget's sleep in seven years I'm not surprised you are snappy.

Maybe your DH could take on some night duties?

Nuggets? Night's

I think you DH needs to get up with the kids on Friday and Saturday nights so you get two full nights sleep each week.

And you need to divide up all the time off so that you both get child free time. So you are both working ( say ) 9-5 Monday to Friday , all the time outside that you need to work out who does childcare and chores.

Even if you manage to get all laundry, shopping and cleaning done in that 9-5 ( while watching the kids ), there will still be a lot of divide up the rest of the time.

That means it’s fair as you both work the same hours. And I’m sure that neither your husband ( nor anyone on MN ) would ever suggest that his work is more valuable or worthwhile than yours.

Once your husband has done that for a few months he will be able to give you some more tips on how to be a better and more patient parent.

Example : DC might be dragging something around the floor making a noise for the 14th time that day and I'll say "for God's sake stop making that noise". Noise continues and I'll say in a raised voice "I can't listen to that anymore, GET THE TOY OUT"

That sounds pretty nasty. I agree with your DH.

But also, re the nights, shouldn't your two year old be sleeping through by now? Sleeplessness can make us so snappy and impatient. What is the problem with your two year old's sleeping?

I wouldn’t say that’s a normal way to speak to kids day to day at all. I understand it may be due to lack of sleep to a point, but it’s still not a normal/ok way to be talking to them. Snapping should be rarer than that and when you are really at the end of your tether. If you don’t enjoy being a SAHM can you not go back to work? There’s no shame in that, not everyone enjoys being a SAHM and kids get plenty out of childcare too.

Everyone snaps occasionally but that when you’ve said ‘For sake stop making that noise’ is you snapping. At that point you need to do something about your behaviour.

I assume the 6 year old is at school. Could to put the 2 year old in nursery for a day or two? I definitely have less patience with DS when I'm trying to do lots of things at the same time as engaging with him so a break might be helpful.

It isn't appropriate, why are you the one having the broken sleep all the time? Are you BF?

Children are draining to say in the least. I don't hear any respite for you ? None of us can do our best if running in empty. You need to prioritise you for the benefit of your children's emotional wellbeing.

I think you seem stressed. Get out more even if with 2 yo to toddler group, swimming, join a gym with a creche.

It is snappy but you’re trying to pour from an empty cup - go away for a night and get a full nights sleep, a weekend would be even better, have something that’s for you that you do in the evenings. At the risk of sounding very cliched Do things that “fill your cup”.
I’m so much more patient and a better parent when I’ve had a day out with a friend or when I’m regularly exercising and that could just be a 15 minute walk in the evening listening to music or a podcast

Your time isn't divided up appropriately is it?

Also when he says your life isn’t stressful enough then he truly doesn’t get; go away for the weekend and he’ll understand!

I'd agree that I'd be unhappy for anyone to talk to my children that way. A very, very occasional slip that is then apologised for, okay, everyone's human, but 15% of the time is a lot more than that.

What are evenings and weekends like? How do you and DH share childcare, chores, and free time?

Can you increase your hours/go back to work? I'm definitely a much better parent if I don't do it all the time!

I'm not criticising but two things helped for me. One was working outside the house and the other is vitamin b. Women often need vitamin b complex and it really helps with your nerves

If kids drive me wild with a particular toy, I sometimes get fed up as well and that's completely understandable. However it's important to set a limit without shouting or cursing. Try to really take a deep breath and remain calm and say something like, I think we've played enough with that toy now and then take it away and try to engage them with something else. Be firm but calm and "safe".
It's not easy and can be draining understandably, but they are just kids and don't necessarily understand this yet, so cursing and shouting can be quite damaging and scary for them. It's better to set boundaries in a healthy way and teach them by expressing that's a bit too noisy now and we can play with that again another time, but let's do something a bit more quiet and calm now (like colouring or something), rather than let them carry on with whatever they're doing until you snap and reach the end of your tether.
I'm by no means an expert, however I try my hardest to see it from a child's perspective when I feel I'm reaching my limit and they're not empathetic and rational adults yet so are not doing this on purpose. However being as stressed out as you are and snapping at them this way can potentially be damaging to them. Try to empathise that they don't deserve this regardless of how understandable it is for you to feel like you do.

It's hard to judge whether your dh is being fair and how much he does, but that might be a separate issue to address and get him to step in more, allowing your more breaks and alone time in the bathroom at the very least. But I can't see the full picture, so just tried to address the snapping.

Yes I agree with this and that's the other important thing, that when you do snap too much (no one is perfect) own it and apologise to your child. So they learn that 1 this is not normal behaviour and their feelings about it are warranted and 2 no one is perfect and we make mistakes but it's ok to own that and apologise. If you just brush over it and the child just has to get over it and it's not acknowledged, you are essentially gaslighting them in a way.

How have you not had a decent night's sleep in seven years?
Is your husband stepping up with the broken nights?

You really shouldn't be snapping at them so much.

Maybe increase your hours, use a nursery or childminder? You said you barely work one day a week. You only have one toddler for much of the day. You shouldn't be snippy with them.
Many working parents would bite your hands off to be in your position.

Sorry OP.

Why does him being there mean you don't get a break? Does he expect you to run around after him, or do you feel expected to performance parent when he's there?

Absolutely this.

I would tell him you want to tackle your snappiness, but he also needs to understand that your life IS stressful, so he needs to get a taste of it to understand.

It is very difficult not to be irritable if you're consistently sleep deprived. You need to know that you have regular full nights sleep to look forward to. First of all you need the sleep, but secondly psychologically knowing that on X day you're going to get a great sleep should help too.

Agree with a PP about apologizing too if you snap.

Thank you everyone for your input. I'm too embarrassed to talk to my friends about this so I appreciate the feedback.
To answer a few questions - DC are/were in the older child's case breastfed which is the cause of the sleepless nights. And DH can't breastfeed! I'm night weaning younger DC now.

DH is self employed so doesn't finish at 5. Some evenings he might just have an hour for dinner and then is back working again so I'm also doing bed times.

I can't really work more than that as there is no childcare around here - it's a serious problem and is affecting lots of families (women) in the area.

When I say DH being around doesn't mean I get a break I mean just because he pops in and out during the day for the total of X amount of time doesn't mean I can disappear off then for a break. He's just in and out for a few minutes each time and often eats lunch at his computer

I should also say - I don't think I spend 15% of the time snapping at the DC.

Also , apart from saying "PUT the toy AWAY" in a snappy (shouty) way I also
Dress them, feed them, play with them, do homework, get them snacks they like, read books, do bath time, tell them I love them, listen to their jokes, watch them as they do the same thing over and over because they want me to watch.

It's not just me shouting all the time. I don't actually think I shout, it's a raised voice but not a roar. But anyway, it shouldn't be me shouting at all.

(Does nobody else genuinely never raise their voice at their kids ?!)

I know MN is full of perfect parents but I'll cop to it, yes I did shout sometimes. Both DH and I can be quite hot-headed, but I think the important thing is that it's not all the time, and that you are trying to not do it. Toddlers can be trying!

I think I'd be like this if I didn't work part time! I'm definitely a better parent for not having dd all of the time.