DH says I'm snappy at the DC

[Ohisitjustme]

I'm a SAHM - I work a day a week sometimes but not even 4 a month. At home the rest of the time with our 2 DC age 6&2. DH works from home sometimes, out sometimes so he's around a lot. He pops in and out during the day but him being around doesn't mean I get a break IYSWIM , it means the DC see him though.

He's said that I'm snappy and impatient and that my life is not stressful enough to warrant my responses. Not all the time, maybe 15% of the time.

I agree with him and I do snap BUT - doesn't everyone? Or is it just me?

Example : DC might be dragging something around the floor making a noise for the 14th time that day and I'll say "for God's sake stop making that noise". Noise continues and I'll say in a raised voice "I can't listen to that anymore, GET THE TOY OUT".

From DH point of view I'm snappy. From my point of view I have reached my limit with the noise and the toy was also dragged around yesterday, the day before, the day before that etc.

I haven't had a full night's sleep in 7 years (maybe 10 full nights sleep). I'm woken a few times every night. I never get to go to the loo alone. I'm trying to cook, clean, do laundry etc while also minding the kids.

Is everyone else always patient with their children? I do need snap less and will work on this.

Any thoughts?

People do shout of course. It just isn't good. I did a parenting course and it made me a lot more patient.

Does nobody else genuinely never raise their voice at their kids ?!

I did a few times. DD has ADHD and was a LOT. Also didn't sleep. However, I took two lots of parenting classes because I didn't like it. Read a lot of books, watched a lot of parenting stuff. Sorted me out, made DD lots easier, made our relationship better.

Another point though is that your DH isn't your manager. He's your co-worker. If you're struggling and snappy, he needs to help, not supervise your work! If you're not sleeping, he needs to do the nights on the weekend even if that's a bottle or two. And BTW, once BFing was over, DH did pretty much all the night wakings. I did a couple of years of a lot of night wakings. He did ten years of a few. It balanced out. What do the weekends look like? Do you get time all to yourself?

Not claiming to be a perfect parent but the sort of snapping at a fairly routine thing like you describe was the exception for me rather than the rule, and always my issue, not something the DC had done that was particularly awful. Talking once every several months sort of frequency. Based on what you've said and DH saying you're snappy, I think you are potentially the wrong side of too much.

I didn't get a proper night's sleep in years either, so I emphathise with the tiredness, but you do need to find other strategies to deal with it. Mine was getting them out of the house and running off the energy.

Weekends are pretty much the same as during the week. Because DH is self employed he'll head up to his office for a few hours over the weekend too.

If I plan with him for me to be out/doing something it's never a problem. But there's nothing I do regularly that means I'm definitely getting a regular break. And he'll have leisure time at the weekend too.

So this weekend for example, I met a friend for 2 hours and was home by 11:30. He then had a volunteering commitment and was out 12:30 - 5. So even though it was the weekend I did the lion's share of the child "minding"
Sunday I met another group of friends for an hour. That was a very social weekend for me.

This all sounds miserable for everyone op.

Changes need to be made.

No, you shouldn't snap like that, but you need to look at the root. It's caused by no sleep. It's caused by you doing all the parenting which if it's 24-7, is the hardest thing going.

If your dh doesn't want you to snap like that, and I would agree, then the changes all start with him. He needs to give you a break somehow.

I think you’re getting responses from a lot of perfect parents here OP 🙄

I definitely ‘snap’ like this at DC. Not all the time, but it bloody wears you down and sometimes you have nothing left. I’ve also properly shouted at them and that’s been horrible. I’m working on it and things are much better now, but it took me getting some headspace and emotional space. I also did some online parenting courses as I had to learn a more appropriate way to deal with my frustration (because it wasn’t modelled to me as a child - my mum responded in the ‘for god’s sake…’ way to me too). The concept of validating emotions, for example, was completely alien to me because mine were never validated when I was a child.

You need a break. And you need your DH to be a proper co-parent rather than watching from the sidelines. Things will feel easier if you’re not bearing the full load.

Hang in there. You sound like a lovely mum (who needs some sleep!)

You desperately need to change this. Prioritise time for yourself. The self-employed/WFH thing is a gift for what DH and I referred to as 'baby avoidance tasks'. ALso see gardening and DIY. For some reason... male chores are always child-free and female ones aren't.

You NEED to have headspace and time.

Are you ok with him having volunteering commitments seeing as he's so busy the rest of the time?
Surely family should be prioritized over that?

He's said that I'm snappy and impatient and that my life is not stressful enough to warrant my responses.

He needs a lot more time doing it all himself to see if it's stressful. I think after a couple of full days and nights, he might understand a little more.

OP, I snap far more often than I wish so it's not just you. And my kids are shouty too which is probably because I am shouty 😔

Thank you for that.
I will look into parenting courses. My mother was not a parent I'd like to emulate so I need strategies modelled for me.

I do need to carve out some time for myself. I'll talk to DH about curtailing weekend working hours as it is probably quite handy for him to have a few hours off child duty at the weekend.

The volunteering thing was pretty much a once - off being so long this time. It's a sport that our DC will participate in so we need to be involved ourselves if we want it to be provided for the kids. But it does go to show that even at weekends I'm not getting as much of a break as DH is

Would you work as a childminder? That way you can earn money while looking after your own children and fill a huge demand? Why is there no childcare where you live?

Not sure how that would help her great a break from stressful small children to be honest.

So basically you're doing most of the stuff and you're feeling pissed off about it?

Children tend to copy their parents. If you are snappy, then quite soon they will be doing the same. You won't like it so I think you need to work out a way to address it now. A colleague got divorced and her kids chose to live with their dad (both 13+), when asked why they both said that Dad was a calmer, consistent and more pleasant person to be with and they were fed up of their Mum constantly nagging and snapping. You don't want that to happen to you.

So... you are exhausted from no sleep for 7 years. On top of that, you work 24/7 because you are doing ALL the childcare, and, reading between the lines, the vast bulk of the cooking/cleaning/housework etc. You literally NEVEr get a break and even when you do, it's these tiny little batches of an hour or two at a time?

Snapping isn't great, but frankly, I'm amazed you're not doing it more. I find it very hard not to snap when I'm tired and tapped out. when I've been on call for other people all the time.

So tell your DH that he can bloody well step up and give you a break and then, when you're feeling more rested, perhaps you'll snap less. Start with all day one Saturday, including the crack of dawn start for your Dh while you have a lie in.

I'm actually so tired of sanctimonious men and MN posters who apparently think that women should never ever feel frustrated or tired or resentful when they're at the beck and call of other people ALL the time.

Can I ask which course you did? Feel I need something like this

A chat with DH about the balance sounds like a very good plan. Does he need to be working all these hours to keep the family afloat financially? Unless you genuinely agree that the answer is 'yes' and you can't realistically make up the difference by working a bit more yourself, I'd discuss evenings as well as weekends.

Can you afford childcare to give yourself a break?

Breast feeding for seven years on the trott is a bit looooong - The cause of your own issues in a sense

I'm not the PP, but I found https://www.goodinside.com really useful. I harp on about here all the time (I don't work for them, I promise!). It's a bit American and cringe at times, but it's fundamentally really good and has helped me understand one of my DC in particular much better. And she's all about the idea that it's never too late to turn things around (e.g. with the shouting) and lots of tips on how to 'repair' with your kids when you have shouted/ said stuff you regretted.

She can’t speak to her own kids nicely, I don’t think she should be around more kids when she can’t treat her own right.

Sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique for a reason, its very good at breaking people down

On top of not sleeping for years you are carrying the bulk of the parenting, housework and I will bet the mental load

Meanwhile your DH, whilst working hard, hasnt really had his life changed very much at all

Tbh, I think it's a sign that you are far less snappy than hes making out by not having told him if he didnt like your parenting he can do it himself!

You need more breaks and he needs to parent more and pull his weight more around the house. You being a sahm during the week doesn't mean you turned into a houshold appliance he can critisise when he thinks its faulty. If he sees you are struggling he should step up not give you a performance review

This doesn't sound like a very fair balance to me at all. Why is he getting leisure time and you're not? Can he scrap the volunteering? Doesn't seem like a luxury your mental health can afford right now.
Perhaps make walking with a podcast or swimming or sitting still in a cafe for a cup of tea your thing you need to do each week. You need regular childfree time built into your week to look forward to.
Also, why is his self-employed work spilling into every waking hour? Seems like you're having to sacrifice your own career for this if no other childcare is available? He is good at time-management?

Oh and yes, I have snapped. That's when I upped my part time hours / the nursery hours. I was not in a good place. Personally I find being at home with little children all day extremely taxing.