DH says I'm snappy at the DC

[Ohisitjustme]

I'm a SAHM - I work a day a week sometimes but not even 4 a month. At home the rest of the time with our 2 DC age 6&2. DH works from home sometimes, out sometimes so he's around a lot. He pops in and out during the day but him being around doesn't mean I get a break IYSWIM , it means the DC see him though.

He's said that I'm snappy and impatient and that my life is not stressful enough to warrant my responses. Not all the time, maybe 15% of the time.

I agree with him and I do snap BUT - doesn't everyone? Or is it just me?

Example : DC might be dragging something around the floor making a noise for the 14th time that day and I'll say "for God's sake stop making that noise". Noise continues and I'll say in a raised voice "I can't listen to that anymore, GET THE TOY OUT".

From DH point of view I'm snappy. From my point of view I have reached my limit with the noise and the toy was also dragged around yesterday, the day before, the day before that etc.

I haven't had a full night's sleep in 7 years (maybe 10 full nights sleep). I'm woken a few times every night. I never get to go to the loo alone. I'm trying to cook, clean, do laundry etc while also minding the kids.

Is everyone else always patient with their children? I do need snap less and will work on this.

Any thoughts?

While I think that comment is a bit harsh - I won't be taking on other people's kids. Money is not the issue, (lack of) time to myself is the issue.

Someone asked why there's no childcare in the town. It's basically a dysfunction of government policy/priority. There's only one creche here, over subscribed. The other one closed, presumably due to lack of profit. Childminding has declined since COVID and to get in with a childminder you really have to be connected - your auntie's neighbour, or best friend's mil etc. I'm sure it's not just me, it's a political issue right now.

This post is very helpful . His work does seep in to every waking hour and I think we'll have to have a chat about boundaries. I like the idea of sitting with a book in a Cafe every week.

I had a very quick look at this and the first link I clicked was on recognizing triggers and being less reactive. So , thank you, I'll be signing up with Dr Becky tomorrow

My two are older and yes I am pretty quick to snap. I had a lot more patience when they were smaller but they're 8 and 10 now. I snap because someone hasn't done what I ask, repeatedly, and I'm sick of being ignored.

The 2yo I wouldn't snap at because they're only 2 and it's a waste of time and energy. The 6yo absolutely I don't have a problem with making it clear that if you ignore me, it makes me cross.

It's the older DC I snap at really. Younger DC is of course just being a toddler.
Older DC is repeating behaviour I don't like (eg the noisy toy)

Op it isn't just you. I end up raising my voice to just be louder than the kids, and then I'm already shouting and then if their behaviour escalates I find myself yelling at them to stop, to get off each other etc. I recognise it's not how I want to parent, it is a minority of time but I'm trying to tackle it. One part is recognising that I feel overwhelmed and I have other stuff causing issues, I've started antidepressants, I make sure I get time out, I'm dealing with my other stuff with therapy.

Why aren't you even going to the loo alone? How much is baby taking milk? I got a cinema card, would go one night a week alone and leave kids with DH,

I’ve read all your posts and I think it must be absolutely exhausting being ‘on’ all the time and never having a proper break. The times you say you’ve organised to go out with people and it’s never a problem are great, but when do you actually get alone time to just do you and do whatever you fancy (or do absolutely nothing at all!?) or have a lay in of a weekend. I don’t think it’s fair to you, and your husband shouldn’t let his working time encroach on evenings and weekends to the extent that it has. You should speak to him and tell him how burnt out you are and how he absolutely needs to take the kids off your hands at least once a week for a few hours so you can be something other than mum or wife for a bit.

We often hear on MN how hard financially everyone is doing such that both parents have to work. I know the OP cannot work more hours because of the lack of childcare which may mean they are struggling financially, in which case the husband has to work these long hours.

It sounds as well like if the OP asks for time off he is happy to do that but the OP does not ask that often. Definitely she should ask more.

However, her husband has a responsibility to respectfully discuss with her if he thinks she is being too hard on the kids (as she has the same responsibility to discuss with him his parenting if she thinks it is not of line). Provided it is done from a place of love and not judgement. It does not mean he does not think she is a great mum or that he is some sort of toad.

It sounds like the OP is going through a rough time - perhaps sit down with him and say something like ‘ok - I hear what you are saying. It may be because I am tired and feel I have no time to myself. I need your help’. To pre empt the posters who will now say ‘he should just know’ - well maybe he should, but other than having the moral high ground not talking about it is not going to change anything is it

Your DH needs to step up.

I have found myself being a bit snappy lately, even though I try to regulate my own behavior. It’s part of why I’ve decided that I need to go back to work and school, and LO needs to go to daycare.

Children can be tough, but we really shouldn’t be yelling at them.

Which dc is dragging a toy? It could be a schema at play here. Whenever my LO does something that grates on me I try to learn more. See if I can meet the needs while gently guiding in a new direction.

I mean the husband has a responsibility to actually parent his child too but apparently he missed that memo

Mums should not have to ask dads for help. Because dads should be actively parenting in the first place

And if a persons first reaction is to criticise rather than help that's not okay

6 yr olds are still experimenting with schemas. Worth looking it up so you know what more to expect.

I snap more than I'd like to. Certain things can just wear you down, asking DS to get ready for bed, ready for school, clean his teeth etc etc 10 times and he still hasn't done it, yes I snap.

I agree.

I also recommend leaving the room or sending them to play with the noisy toy wherever he is (if he's at home)

At what point did the OP say that was his first reaction? Given the children are 2 and 6 I would suspect he has kept his mouth shut about it for some time.

As the OP has said she is breastfeeding and acknowledges that there is not much he can do about the night feeds. But she also said he is happy to have the kids if she wants some space.

Maybe he is working his ass to the bone so that they can pay a mortgage that has doubled in 12 months on top of all the other bills and as a self employed person is always terrified of whether there will be work next month. Maybe she should just see that he is stressed and say what can I do to help?

The reality is none of us know but the OP and her husband and it sounds like at least one of them doesn’t fully understand what the other is going through. So she (or he) can wait until they become telepathic and hate each other for the lack of signal reading they both may have due to both of them potentially being stressed, or they can behave like adults and talk to each other.

OP snapping at your children is not great, but neither is bringing up your children with the unrealistic expectation that people can be perdect human beings who suppress negative emotions at all times

Its impossible to be patient all the time and setting yourself impossible standards wont help

I do second the other posters who have said when you feel like snapping is probably a good time to walk away for a few mins though

They can absolutely be adults and talk to each other

But being an actually decent partner would be not berating your wife because her "life isnt stressful enough" instead of acknowledging that she hasnt slept a full nights sleep in seven years

But she also said he is happy to have the kids if she wants some space.

It is his job to look after his kids regardless of whether or not she wants some space ffs

I suppose the correct answer then is she should just leave him or shout at him. Or shout at him first and then leave him. Which of those should the OP do exactly? Which of those will measurably make
her and her kids life better?

I guess you have never had an argument with someone where you said something you regret. Or had an argument and then been somewhat selective about how you described that argument to a third party so you didn’t look quite so bad? So I take all what the OP says with a bit of a pinch of salt because we don’t have the other side.

What we know is she is stressed and tired, he is working long hours so probably stressed and tired. She admits she shouts a bit too much at the kids and this is because she is stressed and tired. He said, seemingly after 6 years, that she is a bit shouty with the kids. Nothing else really. Your contribution to this is basically ‘he is a bastard and should just know what to do’. Mine is ‘you know, things might be tough for both of you but you need space so talk about it’.

Noisy with toy - asked not to be- noisy for 14th time with toy - shouted at. Why is the toy not under threat of confiscation the first time and removed the 2nd time as that teaches consequence? If nothing happens 14 times , that's on you letting it carry on.
As far as sleepness nights goes, it's a rod for your own back maybe to BF overnight beyond 2 years old, kinda seems ludicrous really. How can you potty train and have dry nights if still having drinks throughout the night? That's odd to me. I get some may want to give some breast still during the day, but nightime?.

Your contribution to this is basically ‘he is a bastard and should just know what to do’.

If you think thats my only contribution to this thread you haven't read all my posts

Mine is ‘you know, things might be tough for both of you but you need space so talk about it’.

Alongside the age old "if women want men to help they should have asked them"

He said, seemingly after 6 years, that she is a bit shouty with the kids. Nothing else really

No he also said her life wasnt stressful enough to justify shouting. After 6 years of not getting a full night sleep

I suppose the correct answer then is she should just leave him or shout at him. Or shout at him first and then leave him. Which of those should the OP do exactly? Which of those will measurably make
her and her kids life better?

I haven't suggested any of these...

You have repeatedly pointed out that he should just step up, he should just see that you are stressed etc. You know yes - if she wants help then flipping ask. You acknowledge he worked hard in a previous post - maybe he is stressed out his head too. Re read your posts.

You make some good points about walking away but other than saying her husband should know better and do more I don’t see from that side what you said does anything but make her more resentful. I never stated you suggested that she shout at him or leave him - but I really don’t know what help you are offering about the relationship and really whilst a bit trite there are only four options. Do nothing and hope he sees the light. Have an argument with him. Leave him. Talk to him. What do you suggest she does?

So I have simultaneously made good points but need to make more in order to satisfy your demands

No thanks, I thought other posters had already made a multitude of good points

Im not interested in derailing the thread further

If you think it's a woman's job to ask a man if he will "help" parent his own children then so be it

What a good job women don't need to wait to be asked or there would be a whole lot more neglected babies...

I never once said it was a woman’s job to ask a man to help parent his children. I said that in this case she should talk to him and ask for help because maybe they are both stressed out of their head.

So you don’t have an answer for what she should do then? All I suggested was talk to him. What a dreadful idea.

I never have. I grew up with shouting. I hated it and as a little girl it scared me. DC are now 29, 20 and 18. I don't think it achieves anything, except DC eventually become immune to it (I did) because it's normal.

I wonder if it would be helpful to try to start some sort of gentle “discipline” system with your kids. If they are doing some undesired behaviour, there should be a quick and relevant consequence (like taking a toy away for a period of time), not repeated admonishments that never result in anything except shouting. I think Dr Becky at Good Inside talks about this, too.