DH says I'm snappy at the DC

[Ohisitjustme]

I'm a SAHM - I work a day a week sometimes but not even 4 a month. At home the rest of the time with our 2 DC age 6&2. DH works from home sometimes, out sometimes so he's around a lot. He pops in and out during the day but him being around doesn't mean I get a break IYSWIM , it means the DC see him though.

He's said that I'm snappy and impatient and that my life is not stressful enough to warrant my responses. Not all the time, maybe 15% of the time.

I agree with him and I do snap BUT - doesn't everyone? Or is it just me?

Example : DC might be dragging something around the floor making a noise for the 14th time that day and I'll say "for God's sake stop making that noise". Noise continues and I'll say in a raised voice "I can't listen to that anymore, GET THE TOY OUT".

From DH point of view I'm snappy. From my point of view I have reached my limit with the noise and the toy was also dragged around yesterday, the day before, the day before that etc.

I haven't had a full night's sleep in 7 years (maybe 10 full nights sleep). I'm woken a few times every night. I never get to go to the loo alone. I'm trying to cook, clean, do laundry etc while also minding the kids.

Is everyone else always patient with their children? I do need snap less and will work on this.

Any thoughts?

I also wanted to say - I really hate shouting at kids and shouting in general. But I did not grow up in a household that did this, so I find it extremely easy to discipline myself not to shout and snap even when I’m frustrated. (Not that I’m perfect - far from it - I just don’t lash out in that way.) But I see that my DH grew up in an environment where his parents did sort of yell at the kids as part of disciplining them, and I see that with my nieces and nephews on that side, too, that it’s a feature of parenting. They’re all super polite people otherwise but it’s just that yelling is something they do with kids sometimes when they’re upset. My DH is much more of my line of thinking in terms of how he wants to behave but very occasionally I see him raise his voice and snap a bit. I think if you grew up where that’s how people parent, it’s super difficult to rewire yourself to do it differently, even when you want to and especially when you’re stressed out. So, I feel for you in trying to learn how to express yourself differently - it’s not that easy.

You're a SAHM, no one has any idea just how draining it is. It's obviously not great, but I'm not surprised you're snappy. You need a break. No other job are you expected to 'work' 24/7/365

I agree with DH that you do sound snappy OP for things that don’t need to be snapped at. I do absolutely snap at my 3 year old because he hits, throws etc and the whole ‘kind hands’ thing doesn’t work. But if a certain toy is annoying you, you can remove it and explain why without snapping.

However, i totally agree that it’s likely because you’re burnt out and unhappy.

My 3 year old also follows me to the toilet, and that poster who said ‘shouldn’t a 2 year old be sleeping through the night by now’ is having a fucking laugh, as if all kids are amazing sleepers.

It sounds to me like you need more of a break for a start. So vital for your mental health. I also personally couldn’t be a SAHM, I need to work and have adult conversation and mental stimulation.

What is the nature of your DH’s business? I think realistically if you’d be a lot happier going back to work and putting your kid in nursery, then you need to talk about moving. Your happiness matters too and you sound a bit trapped.

I don't understand this logic. Women who work, work their hours them come home and parent the rest of the time. So they also work 365/24/7. It's not like someone magically looks after their children for them when they're home.

Let's not turn this into a competition between being a SAHM or a working parent. Both can be hard, in different ways.

You and your DH should have equal leisure time - as a parent your day with the kids is your work time - you also need time off. IF he is just feeling he can work at any time as you are always there to pick up slack - that needs to stop.

We will have another conversation about this.

To answer a few questions that came up: he's not overly stressed about providing for the family - his business is doing well. Moving wouldn't help as we live in a cheap area. So though there might be more childcare available or would cost 3 or 4 times what it would here. We rent and rent would be 3 or 4 times more for a worse house in a worse area.

DH is not a bad person. We have both slipped into me being the default parent and him popping in and out whenever. He will be open to the suggestion of me always having Tues free from 4-6 or whatever. I do need to get consistent time alone that I don't have to ask permission for.

We'll have a conversation about being more specific about his working hours (as much as possible).

Thank you to the PP whose 3 year old also follows them to the toilet and who acknowledged all toddlers don't sleep though the night!

Oh and this isn't relevant to the OP but my older boy potty trained no problem and was dry at night pretty much as soon as we started potty training. I've read it's a hormonal readiness that sparks being dry at night which happens to some kids earlier than others. He potty trained at 2½ very easily

It sounds like you and DH have a good basis for getting this sorted, @Ohisitjustme. It's really, really promising that you feel confident he will be open to you having regularly scheduled downtime and to having a discussion about changing how you both balance work, parenting, and time for yourselves.

I pick and choose from parenting philosophies and experts, but I like some of Janet Lansbury's stuff, particularly on recognising when a child cannot (emotionally or mentally) do what we are asking of them, even though we know they are physically capable, and stepping in calmly but confidently to help them before you both lose it. It works for with things like your toy example – 'you're having a hard time playing with X quietly/safely/whatever right now, so I'm going to put it away for now. Let's go do Y!' – and also things like putting on shoes/coats, getting ready for bed, etc.

She also talks about how it is okay for children to know you have your own needs and limits, and that's generally my first approach with play that I'm finding annoying but that isn't unsafe, going to break the toy, etc. (with DD4, not so much DD2 yet). So something like 'That noise is really bothering me today, DD4. Could you please either choose something else to play, or take that toy into a different room?' I would expect her to do one or the other, and would choose for her if she couldn't choose, but it gives her the option to keep playing how she wants to, whilst also teaching her to be considerate of other people. (Depending on the details of where we were and what we were each doing, one of the options might be me going to a different room. If we're in the kitchen, and I'm cooking dinner, I'm not leaving. If I've finished a chore or am doing something easily portable/pausable and she's got some elaborate game set up, I'll move.)

@Ohisitjustme I think you've had some great advice but also have got a bit of a bad rap from some posters. I'm so surprised so few people snap at their kids. I'm not saying I'm proud of it but I'm also not ashamed of being human and responding in an emotional way at times. There's also the aside that when my DC are being so LOUD the only way they'll hear me is when I significantly raise my voice! My two separate close groups of friends have all talked about losing it/snapping/shouting - I hate that you feel you can't talk to friends about it as I think you'd find the response different to on MN. And I hope your DH hasn't made you feel ashamed about it or belittled. Not saying he has, and it's understandable he loves his kids and doesn't like hearing them snapped at, but there needs to be understanding about the source of this, and that you are struggling with so little time to yourself, hardly any energy and a severe lack of proper sleep. It also seems like you've been cornered into this position of SAHM due to lack of options, and I agree with others that a change can be as good as a rest - I bet you would snap a huge % less if you had a change of scene with a regular pt job! I'm sorry that doesn't seem like an option right now.

There are times when I've essentially lost my shit and I've felt really bad of course - I've apologised to the DC - e.g. my 10-year-old's behaviour has NOT been ok, but my reaction was disproportionate because I'm tired or was worrying about money or whatever, but I own that as my reaction. I'm also better now at pre-empting stress triggers. So with the toy thing, feel free to hide it! Or learn their patterns too - in lockdown I realised my DC could do something happily for an hour - 1.5h tops together before I needed to change up the activity or they'd start grinding each other's gears. Also, when you're particularly tired, don't feel bad for having an 'easier' day (whatever that looks like with a toddler!) - so for me, committing to a big game with my children or cramming in an extra activity or craft request we don't really have time for is more likely to end up with me snapping/not dealing well with an issue, than acknowledging that XYZ is probably too much for me today so let's get some good fresh air in the park then have fish finger sarnies for dinner followed by some Bluey.

I'm not saying you should ignore advice about reducing snapping etc. but I feel it's unfair for your DH to say you're not under stress, and I'd hate you to leave this thread thinking you're the devil for cracking under so much exhaustion and pressure. IMO, what you're feeling and how you're responding to it is normal.

And as you said, you also play with them, listen to them, to baths, stories, have fun, take them places, feed them. You sound like you're having a hard time and are doing the best you can. They go to bed feeling loved and happy - parenting is HARD, especially with a clingy non-sleeper (I had one too), be kind to yourself.

Your dh needs to step up and look after HIS children. I think you deserve a bloody medal

Update because I like when the OP updates the thread.

So I thought about what DH said and thought about all the comments here. I bought a couple of parenting books and started listening to Dr Becky's podcast as recommended by PP.

I was having a really hard week when I posted. I have not snapped at the DC since then, though I have had a few "put on your shoes NOW, I've asked you 4 times already" moments.

I had a quick chat with DH because he was away that following week for work for a few days then I went away (more on that), then we had a guest so opportunities were minimal.

I told him I agreed I was too snappy, that stress is not what you have to do, but rather the resources you have inside to deal with it. He agreed. I reminded him that when he has the DC he only has to entertain them (and maybe cook) but I'm also doing all the housework. He agreed with what I said, said we should put systems in place to take some mental load off (eg meal planning, not thinking of dinner every night). He said he's finding it hard in his work to sort priorities too and that's stressing him a bit.

I had a night away with my friends (pre-arranged) and am feeling much much better.

I think until you can stop and relax you don't realize how bad things are.

Thank you to all who replied with advice (and harsh comments too) because I needed other points of view to get a handle on things

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. I think it would be good for him to continue to step up though.

You sound like a saint, considering you are a married single mum. Everybody gets angry sometimes and you are constantly in your children's lives - night and day. It's easy to be nice and patient when you see your kids couple hours a day.

Lovely update, I'm glad you are feeling better. We all crack from time to time.

At 6, it is possible to have a conversation with a child about a noisy toy. That you are often up in the night with DS2 because he's still little and you are tired and a bit grumpy at times. Maybe try to agree to tell him when you would really appreciate some quiet toy playing and when he can tear around making lots of noise if he wants to.
Or you could hide the offending item and bring it out when you can bear it. My mother used to stick a bunch of stuff in the loft and bring it out in a month. It was like getting new toys again. Suspect some of it was for her own sanity.

Glad to hear things are on a more even keel. I hope that you manage to build in more time for yourself on a regular basis. Someone once said to me that a very occassional e.g. weekend away with friends is akin to re-charging your phone to about 15% - the battery isn't flat but it's still in the red. Ideally you want to be recharging to full as much as possible!

Well done. Protect that time for yourself.

And yes I sometimes snap at DC when I'm at the end of my tether, stressed about other things or struggling with lack of sleep etc. We are human, not perfect. It is important to try to speak to our families kindly and taking a deep breath and smiling before we speak can help, but if we don't always get it right we can repair. Don't beat yourself up.

Have you tried sleep training? At least if you slept things wouldn't seem so bad.

It's easy when you just change how you do things a little bit OP - so with the toy obviously you start with 'please don't drag that toy as i don't like the noise it makes' then 'if you don't stop dragging that toy then it will have to go away' then the toy gets taken away if repeated. There's no need to get angry because one way or the other the noise will stop.

With the shoes you could try a couple of things - can you put your shoes on before I count to 10? or can you get your shoes on before I get my shoes on? Make it into a fun game one way or another. Make it fun and they'll be much keener to do it.