Partners mum taking him out of the will if we buy a house together

[River9871]

Just that really what the title suggests.
Both own our own homes with equal equity and both earn around the same. However his mum says if he we buy a house together then he is out of the will and will not inherit his mums house when she dies.

I understand it's about the relationship rather than the money. My mil has said and done similar things. My DP has challenged her and we've ploughed on with our plans regardless of her views. If he'd delayed or changed our plans because of mil opinion then that would have seriously affected our relationship. I don't think we'd have stayed together.
What do you think your DP will do? Has he mentioned it now because he wants to change your shared plans? That would be a relationship ender for me.

But it would still go to a person you love and chose in your life – and whom you maybe can trust to take care of your DC. A better example would be what if your pension goes to his new wife & her birth children after you die and he remarries, or maybe his sibling's children (nephew/niece) instead of your DC.

I understand all that but it's hard to take when u know u r a decent person I walked away from a divorce with nothing he had a bloody good pension and big inheritance from his parents and I asked for nothing as it wasn't mine to begin with

Buy as tenants in common and both have wills favouring your own families. That way any family money is protected.

Can she not see that sharing a property will benefit both her son and her grandchildren as hell have more disposable income.

Have you plans to marry? Because unless you have the pension issue is irrelevant.

Does he have siblings? What's their setup?

She can do whatever she likes but the fact she hasn't explained or it he hasn't questioned it is strange.

At least if he asked her why, he could address her fears.

Probably just plans to downsize/gift it to somebody else & is giving this as an excuse to have the conversation that's just "if you set yourself up then you don't need this house"

I wouldn't take it personally unless it's directed in a very disparaging way or your partner would rather wait to inherit then build a life with you now

Not everybodys good with words/feelings so by all means clarify if possible but don't get offended if its just thoughtlessness/misunderstandings

@RedHelenB ha! They’re not. That’s quite a leap. This is one of many ways she has been unwelcoming and controlling, so I don’t go out of my way to organise things - I leave it to her son. If she’d made the effort and been vaguely nice, that would be reciprocated and she would see a lot more of her grandkids other than when her son eventually gets round to paying a visit. Reap what you sow etc etc.

I understand all that but it's hard to take when u know u r a decent person I walked away from a divorce with nothing he had a bloody good pension and big inheritance from his parents and I asked for nothing as it wasn't mine to begin with

It sounds like you need to take the emotion out of it.

Your DP needs to talk to her again to understand what’s her issue.

And included in the talk, there is a question to ask as to why she feels she can blackmail her own son into living his life a certain way (aka not in the same house).

Ultimately though, he’ll have to make a choice between pacifying his mum and prioritising your relationship. I suppose this will tell you a lot about how he feels about you together vs his mum.

(Note: I don’t think the choice is easy btw!!)

The problem with inheritance is that you have no control over what it is going to be used for.

So either you leave that money to your children or you don’t.
But you dint get to say I’m going to decide who is deemed worthy enough. Esp because for all you know one of the dcs might get divorced because THEY cheated on their partner for example.
As soon as your dcs decided, like you did, to get married, issues linked with divorced were always a possibility.

As for protecting that inheritance money re divorce etc… there are ways to do that. But again, it’s up to your children to take the steps.

I personally would step back for a few months and watch the dynamics in the family. Is this something healthy for you to join?
My family are currently scrambling after my mums money (she is still alive!). It’s really shone a light on the real character of our family. The liberating factor is that I have realised I don’t have to be involved.
If you have a breather from the process you might realise these dynamics are not something you want to join.

You’ll be fine though - you have your inheritance coming your way. It’s your other half who loses out.

This is not your problem, it's for your DP to sort out with his mother. You seem to have taken offense and decided that she doesn't like you which is probably not the case. If she wants to leave her money to her grandchildren instead, that's up to her.

Do you think she actually will? It's something grumpy old people say but it's quite a faff to actually do it.

If she's your MIL you can inherited from the house.

Make sure you actually do write your own wills.
Lots of people talk about how they are going to do things but never write the wills !
Also if you both write your wills or have them already,make sure if you buy the new house together that you update the will.
As far as his mother goes - it isn't a nice thing to say to her son but it is quite normal for some people to write a will that by passes their own children and leaves it to grand children.
You say they are older teens will probably will inherit over 18 - it is entirely up to them what they do with the money then !

I really think you need to stop be8ng so emotional about this. She is making a cold hard financial decision for the good of her grandchildren. You know you won’t stop her grandchildren inheriting but she doesn’t know that. Many women have and do take the money for their side of the family.

there is a fine line between being decent and naive and perhaps in your divorce you were the latter as much as you were the former.

this frankly isn’t about you or what she thinks about you it is about protecting her assets for her fsmily herself as she should. Because to be honest you seem naive about exactly what this involves from a financial and inheritance basis and I would be ensuring it went to my grandchildren if I were her

So at what age are you allowed to think 'Oh sod it' Only one life and all that...?

What makes you think they aren't going to ringfence their money for their own children?

Easily done

@Quartz2208 but the OP isn’t talking about getting married but abut buying a home use together, knowing they both have their own houses so will both bring something to the table.

How is that going to affect her grandchildren potential inheritance??

And why the need to blackmail her own son?

It’s nothing to do with being judged, just sensible to prioritise your own children’s financial security.

for me, I’ve been with my partner 10 years now and I will never sell the house I own to buy with him as this house is my kids security and my legacy to them and I don’t want that compromised.

I might consider going in on a second property with my partner at some stage, but I think being a fully financially independent woman with a house owned on my own is such a great thing I don’t want to give it up on what would be a gamble.

i appreciate I may be on the cautious side but that’s just my perspective. My house is for my kids alone.

Has she said that though or has she merely stated her financial position is to leave her money direct to the grandkids if he is combining finances with a new partner. It may be she feels he doesn't need it if he is back in a 2 income household.

Is he divorced from his ex (and did he have to hand over assets then?) or did his previous wife, mother of his kids pass away. If the former you can see why Gran wants to protect them surely?

From reading posts on here a relationship can come to an end anytime whether boy/girlfriend or married for donkeys years so keeping a property when in a relationship that is solely in your name is very sensible.

@River9871

Think DP needs to speak to a solicitor to confirm how to do this, but then explain that you can: a) buy a joint property as tenants in common, so that both your halves/shares are protected for your respective children; b) reassure her that as you are not married you would have no claim on any inheritance he would receive from her; and c) that if you do marry at some stage, you could have a prenup where both your individual assets are ring-fenced for your own children so anything she wishes to leave him for his lifetime benefit but eventual passing on to her GC would be protected.

Obviously, he could have considerable frailties in his old age and end up using his inheritance up by paying for nursing care and the GC may get nothing anyway, but if this is a concern, she may then wish to leave her worldly goods directly to the GCs anyway. Given how hard it is for young people to get on the property ladder and the fact that he will have a nice home with you, OP, this may actually be the best option anyway, especially as it removes any risk of paying inheritance tax on it twice (when she dies, and then when he dies).

You can change the tenancy in common to a joint tenancy should you get married, but you may both want to continue to protect your interest in the joint property for your respective children, so an alternative is to retain the TiC and then leave each share in a trust to each of your children with the surviving partner having a lifetime interest (ie, surviving partner can stay in the joint house if they wish and the inheritance of all children can only be realised upon death of the second party, or should the surviving partner choose to sell/downsize prior to their death).

I am a little out of touch on land law and inheritance law, but DP can simply go to see a solicitor together and arrange things in a way that gives her peace of mind. The very elderly of that generation have very fixed ideas about this stuff so it’s best to set it up in way that takes the heat out of the situation for you and DP going forward.

He will lose if he is not dependent on her and the beneficiaries are his children. That case you mention had specific reasons why it wad overturned.