Look at All the Lonely People. What's happening?

[ginasevern]

I manage a hospitality venue in a large city and since Covid (and to some extent before) demand for singles events has gone ballistic. When I say singles events, I mean gatherings for single people to mix, mingle and be in human company rather than specifically for dating.

I know there's always been business/hobby networking events and for as long as I can remember there have been events for divorced or widowed people but the clientele I'm talking about are young (usually between 25 to maybe 40 tops), intelligent and with good jobs.

Most of the people I talk to at these events are looking for a partner and are quite lonely. During my years working in offices most of the women/men were with someone by the time they were in their mid to late twenties and loneliness was (mostly) a problem for the elderly. Even if they weren't with someone, they had very active social lives with their friend groups. There was also a lot of works socialising, even if it was just a couple of hours in the pub after work or a game of softball.

What's changed. What's gone wrong in society?

At least he has his sister. Imagine if he was sharing with strangers.

Can’t tell if this is ironic 🤔If not, this sums up the problem! Flatmates are not strangers for long and have other friends who might also become friends …

Not really. That hasn’t ever been my experience or that of my children. One of whom lives in a flat with five others who stay in their rooms and never speak to each other.

I imagine it's more likely in flats or houses that have living spaces. I know a lot of them have converted living rooms into additional bedrooms which just seems like a recipe for isolation.

They have a living room but no one ever uses it. They all put their washing in there to dry.

I will add it to my repertoire for the next time I go to meet witty random strangers for wine and banter...

Definitely just chatting to strangers was more acceptable (esp after a few drinks). My flatmate married someone I met in the toilet queue at the Walkabout in Shepherd Bush (my life's work) - we got chatting, she said her friends were going home so I said to come and hang out with me and my friends. She did. Rest is history. Also, people just dragged random mates/ work colleagues along to meet ups with you so you cross pollinated the friendship groups and increased the dating pool. People were just generally more socially relaxed I think and life was much more random and interesting as a result.

My son's experience in Uni campus flats too! They were in a cluster of 8 bedrooms around a tiny kitchen. That was it. Nowhere for the flat to get together - the kitchen table was a tiny round one with only 3 chairs!! They assumed that students would all go down to the common room/college bar, which is a good idea, but didn't work during covid because the common room/bar was closed for 18 months!! Son and his flatmates barely saw each other. Towards the end of the year when they'd finally started getting friendly, they started playing online games together, but each in their own bedroom!!!

WFH innit.

Two decades ago a friend said he reckoned work colleagues fitted the role the tribe used to in human society. I reckon he’s right. They were a group of people, some of whom you liked, others less so but who you fit to know and they got to know you. Connie ruins are built up through these regular, frequent interactions.

For people who no longer have this, it’s a huge social loss.

Interesting observations, OP. I thought I'd noticed the same thing, but then started to wonder if it was just my changed perspective, now that I'm older and married and not going out to big social events so much myself. But from what you and others are saying, it's a real thing.

Internet, gaming, Covid, working from home, maybe also a kind of tension caused by job insecurity ...

Also, something I've definitely noticed is that people seem much less likely to talk to strangers (eg in shops, bus queues, waiting rooms etc) than say the 1970s or 80s. Just passing the time with a bit of chat. It seems to have died away generation by generation. I miss that.

Totally agree.

People are mainly on their phones - has a huge effect on those random acts of social interaction that we all took for granted pre smart phones 🙁

Experience tells me that I cannot chat to a bloke without it being misinterpreted.

Why the fuck would I interrupt some random's thoughts to impose my own on them anyway? I'd give short shrift if they did that to me.

If I do have a chat with someone at a bus stop etc these days it is always someone a bit older. Someone not glued to their phone . I do think just talking to people in a casual way whilst waiting etc is dying away, and it’s sad. Many more people are socially isolated and struggling.

My hairdresser told me one of her older clients sat on the same bus as her whilst she was goi g to work. They said to her sadly afterwards that they wanted to say hello but noticed she’s always on her phone the whole journey so didn’t want to interrupt.

What a strange attitude

We get it. You are drop dead gorgeous and can’t go anywhere without men hitting on you. Yes, we know. You’ve mentioned it in every post 😂

I think it's more that everyone seems to know a story of a man misinterpreting someone talking to them and behaving inappropriately so we're more wary.

My problem with casually chatting is I'm never convinced it will lead to anything significant in our more transient times. I'm crap at striking up conversations generally and why do something so awkward for no obvious results.

Of course casual chatting doesn’t lead to anything significant. It does help us connect to one another as human beings though. Surely that’s important? Otherwise we may as well be machines.

I don't get much out of it myself. I'd rather message a friend on my phone than talk to a stranger if I'm honest. It's different in a situation where you will likely see the same people again regularly but not on public transport.

I do feel a bit guilty about it though and that my bad attitude to socialising these days is part of the problem.

Exactly this! If an older person (like me!) sits beside me on a bus, we start to chat…all the young people are wearing headphones, hunched over their phones and have their hoods up.

Neither my son, nor any of his friends went anywhere near any girl in university and following on from that won’t touch any in the workplace

That's really weird behaviour.

DD(19) is in her 1st year at uni and has a good circle of friends there and at home - girls and lads.

She was still at school during Covid and couldn't wait to get out and be with friends as soon as possible.

No, I'm not. I'm autistic and vulnerable and a particular type of man looks for vulnerable women to manipulate into sex.

No, it's not.

It's a recognition that a person being in a public space doesn't make them public property and that they are entitled to go about their journey without their thoughts being interrupted for trivial reasons. It's why, when you do have to ask someone a question or want to tell them something important, like that they've left their rucksack zip open, you start with "excuse me" as a recognition of and apology for the interruption..

It's about consent and not acting entitled to someone else's energy, thoughtspace, and time.

Yeah this. Some of my closest friends I met through work.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia I used to go in pubs alone in the 80s. I didn't want to stand in the cold at the town clock waiting for friends. You end up seeing the same faces. I never made any extra cash 🤣