Look at All the Lonely People. What's happening?

[ginasevern]

I manage a hospitality venue in a large city and since Covid (and to some extent before) demand for singles events has gone ballistic. When I say singles events, I mean gatherings for single people to mix, mingle and be in human company rather than specifically for dating.

I know there's always been business/hobby networking events and for as long as I can remember there have been events for divorced or widowed people but the clientele I'm talking about are young (usually between 25 to maybe 40 tops), intelligent and with good jobs.

Most of the people I talk to at these events are looking for a partner and are quite lonely. During my years working in offices most of the women/men were with someone by the time they were in their mid to late twenties and loneliness was (mostly) a problem for the elderly. Even if they weren't with someone, they had very active social lives with their friend groups. There was also a lot of works socialising, even if it was just a couple of hours in the pub after work or a game of softball.

What's changed. What's gone wrong in society?

It's sad. I expect wfh/hybrid culture has a lot to do with it. When I started work in 2000 knowing almost no-one I used to go out with colleagues once or twice a week. That would be much more unlikely now.

I wonder if people are also less good at understanding how to develop friendships? It's a skill and definitely took me a while to learn.

I’m not sure why OP is getting a hard time. It sounds like going out to the pub in the old days but with a bit more organised fun/purpose to it which presumably makes it easier for attendees to strike up a conversation given you know everyone else will be receptive. I don’t know why millennials don’t chat to strangers in the pub but the ones I work with just don’t.

Lots of relationships don't go the distance so people end up single again.

Well firstly, WFH. Many people met friends and OHs in offices environments.

Also, you don't actually know that there are more "lonely" people than there were. In the old days, there was no way to get in contact with other "lonely" people - no internet, no social media, etc. So there may have been just as many lonely people, but they were at home.

Yes, I think all of those things are to blame really. It just seems so sad. Not because they are alone but because they clearly don't want to be. They're not all looking for partners of course, many just want friends to hang out with. Working in hospitality, as I have for years, is a bit of a bubble really so I wondered what other people's take was on this (seemingly) new situation.

I'm single with a far flung extended family and a busy work life with lots of friendly colleagues.

I was never lonely before COVID. I saw friends at work almost daily. I travelled more to see family. It was cheaper and easier.

Now I am constantly lonely. People work from home and online contact isn't the same. Price and time to get to close family has doubled.

The irony of your not being able to spell sociological.

There was a documentary about it a few years ago. I think it is a rising issue these days amongst all age groups. I think it is a mixture of things, the rise of the internet/social media, the cost of living, people moving away from friends/family for work, more remote learning, and remote working.

If you haven't made a strong network from school or university, it can be quite difficult to make deep friendships at work or in your neighbourhood. I think it is great that these events are being organised and giving people the opportunity to socialise in an environment where everyone is open to forming connections.

No man with an ounce of sense who has a decent job with any prospects will go anywhere near a woman in the workplace.

Theyre totally off limits. That means people have to find partners somewhere else which cuts down the options dramatically.

I teach at a university - students not typically wealthy.

We are encouraged to compress their hours more and more so that they can work or at least not commute to deal with the cost of living.

Their friendships and our sense of community seem much weaker, and their mental health and level of achievement are in freefall

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain · Today 17:41

Perhaps it's just a thinly disguised advert and we're supposed to ask 'Oooh, where?'

Nah, you wouldn't fit in. All the people who attend are really nice and pretty intelligent.

Well the earlier 20s crew even if they were at uni they were at COVID lockdown uni.

Lockdown occured at a particularly stunting period of their adult lives.

Perhaps lockdown had disastrous effects on later 20s long term relationships, they were fine until they got locked at home with no getting pissed with mates release.

Lockdown was stunting for many.

So perhaps these guests are just looking to catch up and replace some of what they lost, or didn't have an opportunity to try.

Also many WFH hybrid jobs, fewer opportunities to meet and go out with work colleagues.

Cost of living, many can't justify a night on the tiles so the ones who can have to find a different environment and it's surely better to go to an organised event than sitting in a pub alone.

For everyone at these events there are probably 10 sitting at home still stunted.

No big deal. This hardly needed three posts of sneering at OP.

This is sad to hear. I don't think it is a bad idea for students to have a part-time job but it seems to be the case that many now have to work almost full-time and can't enjoy the other aspects of University which are often just as important.

I do actually feel that I lost social skills during lockdowns, living alone in a stressful job.

You know how there are people who socialise easily, and people, perhaps neurodivergent often, who have learned these skills by masking and imitating.

I was a very shy child, and an awkward teenager, and I gradually learned to deal with social situations through repeated exposure from my 20s on. I hadn't realised how much I relied on practice. I dread old age now. Need to make plans.

Its harder for sure. I found kids older so didnt see the mums. Walk groups fizzled. A school mam took weeks to commit to a catchup. Wends of elder parent visits. You end up isolated easily. So Im on my own alot.

Yes I was thinking the same. I’ve only made real friends through having kids (maybe 4 friends), and joining choir. Now. People won’t take kindly to me saying this but I’m lucky to have a choir with a young demographic locally. That’s my demographic. So, win for me. Previously I’ve offended people on here by saying I (in my 20s at the time) didn’t want to join the WI or Rock Choir as I want friends my own age. My point being, there don’t seem to be so many social clubs for say 25-45 year olds anymore. (Were there ever?) And if that demographic are also not socialising through kids (as they don’t have them) and are just going from home to work to home then it follows that they’ll be lonely. The Round Table around here is really pushing that they’re a young cool club for younger men, but that’s the only social group I can think of that DH might go to. (But he won’t because he finds their type of banter cringey. Marketing themselves as a man-creche that wives should use!)

Almost full time (or not able to afford to come in) is typical now for us. It is very sad

Blimey.

I'm not surprised reading some of the posts on this site where people are too scared to open their front door or think there's an ulterior motive if someone says hello to them in the street. People are becoming more insular, they don't want to take parcels in for neighbours, or they get invited out and then don't want to go.