Look at All the Lonely People. What's happening?

[ginasevern]

I manage a hospitality venue in a large city and since Covid (and to some extent before) demand for singles events has gone ballistic. When I say singles events, I mean gatherings for single people to mix, mingle and be in human company rather than specifically for dating.

I know there's always been business/hobby networking events and for as long as I can remember there have been events for divorced or widowed people but the clientele I'm talking about are young (usually between 25 to maybe 40 tops), intelligent and with good jobs.

Most of the people I talk to at these events are looking for a partner and are quite lonely. During my years working in offices most of the women/men were with someone by the time they were in their mid to late twenties and loneliness was (mostly) a problem for the elderly. Even if they weren't with someone, they had very active social lives with their friend groups. There was also a lot of works socialising, even if it was just a couple of hours in the pub after work or a game of softball.

What's changed. What's gone wrong in society?

OP, there are loads of obvious answers to your question. One is - they work from home, so don't meet people at work, socialise after work. Another is - rents are so high many live at home with parents, saving up for the excessive expense of trying to buy their own place.

So they don't have flat mates, they don't have work mates, they may also have lost touch with uni mates during lockdown - I know a few people in that age group who just barely leave the house.

There are also quite a few threads on here about feeling lonely. I do think it can happen to anyone as divorce, arguments do happen and friendships even long standing ones can break down and result in solid friendship groups blowing up. Covid/cost of living crisis has also left a lot of people with anxiety and depression that can impact your ability to meet people.

I think meetup is a great resource but you have to be brave enough to attend a lot of groups to work out what works.

@AmaryllisChorus

Yes, all combined it is a the perfect storm really. I think there is an unprecedented displacement of people too. For example, I live in a city which has seen a huge influx of young people from London. They are attracted here by the "vibrant" arts and music scene as well as cheaper rents (although the rents aren't that much cheaper and are rising by the minute). So they've left behind school friends and find themselves WFH with no personal interaction in an expensive flat.

When I was early 20s I used go out from Wednesday nights onwards after work. We used to go to a cocktail bar, watch the football, just a quick drink. We formed some lasting friendships and some even married.

Up until covid/lockdown I was meeting a friend for lunch weekly as they worked 10 minutes drive from my work and only did 1 day at home. I went out monthly with some girl friends (from my days of nightly drinking after work).

Now I work from home, my life revolves around work and the gym. The cost of living hasn't helped though. It's a very lonely life.

I remember chatting to someone and he said he would go to the shops to get some human interaction, so he at least spoke to a human that day.

When I started working in 1988 we went out after work every Thursday and Friday with work colleagues as well as most lunchtimes.
The 90’s changed the culture and drinking at lunchtime became a bit more frowned upon.

My last full time office job (from 2010 to 2020) no one really socialised after work. The youngsters who worked for literally ran out the door at 5 to get home. In fact it was the older ones who still had a few nights out.

Honestly I’m 55 and still go out with friends at least twice a month. Whereas my 19 year old son and his mates only really go to football and the odd night out. They talk on PS5 rather than face to face.

I know quite a few dance music promoters and they worry that once our generation stops going out, the younger ones are nowhere near as socially active as their parents. The night time industry is struggling since Covid.

@xSideshowAuntSallyx

I remember chatting to someone and he said he would go to the shops to get some human interaction, so he at least spoke to a human that day.

That really cannot be good for anyone's MH. I just worry that we are heading for a kind off "lost generation" in some ways.

@ginasevern to answer your question...do you mean people are desperate for a bit of human company?

I have posted (too much) here about social life falling apart and not recovering from lockdown.

It's interesting to hear from someone in hospitality. Also I know a couple of people who were going to singles mixers to try to find a partner - but they said they went back to online dating because the singles things were really just socials and a chance for people to get out.

They really hate online dating as well.

I don't know what's happened but many women seem to post here about the lack of friendship problem.

i posted once about a lovely shop where they have a sofa and encourage chat. Of course it's closed now. I can't believe my life has been reduced to being sad that the vape shop shut.

to address your snidey comments - what's that about? I would worry about going to a social and meeting women who wanted to be snide to strangers....we are heading into a lost generation but sniping at strangers online isn't helping.

Covid. People working from home . Social media.
Young people often don’t have much money, they aren’t drinking or clubbing anymore. A few of the ones I know have met people on holiday.

Yes, these are young people (25 to 35 mostly) who are just desperate to get out and meet other people whilst having a few drinks, a laugh and conversation. These aren't set up as dating events.

I haven't seen your posts about social life falling about but you are right. It really does feel that way. As I said to another poster, I'm afraid we are heading for a "lost generation" in so many ways.

Not sure what you mean about snidey comments. I did post a cutting comment to a poster who had made a series of unpleasant and unwarranted comments to me and who had obviously only joined the thread to be nasty.

I absolutely promise you that I don't speak to people generally like that.

Social Media seems to be killing actual social interactions. Life is lived through phone screens.

Im finding people so flaky now. Covid didnt help. Think lives so busy busy now. So I just do things myself.

I’d attend a local singles event
people are of both genders tired of OLD

if I was brave enough I’d arrange one for
my neighbourhood

I think that life is just so expensive right now and wages haven’t gone up enough. When I was in my 20s I wasn’t well paid at all but could still afford to go out twice a week at least, plus out at lunchtimes with colleagues. I wouldn’t manage it if I was in the same situation these days.

Have you seen the Tinder advert on YouTube videos. Pretty much the same narrative on that but it’s suggesting Tinder is where you can meet new mates/not just dates.

i guess they dont drink and go out clubbing like back in my day (90s)

There was an article in one of the Sunday papers recently that younger generations stay at home rather than going out like previous generations did. I was never lonely at that age because I was out every waking hour possible, meeting people who were out doing the same. But if people are more likely to stay home, not meet others, I can see how loneliness is growing.

Dating at work is one of the stupidest things you can do. If it goes tits-up, you've got to try to work with that person. I've seen male colleagues turn full-on stalker and end up facing disciplinary proceedings when female colleagues end the relationship. No sensible woman would take the risk of the guy two desks away doing that.

Cost of pubbing has a lot to do with that.

And yet, many people did, and it used to be the most common way couples met.

Having seen the fallout when skeevy guy doesn't take the message, I'm not surprised that women aren't taking that risk any more.

@ginasevern

What's changed. What's gone wrong in society?

2 things. Firstly the internet and secondly Covid lockdowns - a perfect storm!

More people than ever are working from home, so aren't making the same social connections through work as they used to. Chatting to your colleagues via teams is no substitute to proper face to face chats around the water cooler or kettle, especially losing the social lunchtimes in the staff canteen or even just groups eating sandwiches at their desks having a chat!

More people than ever are doing online shopping or supermarket self service tills, so aren't getting the sense of "local community" they used to get when shopping more locally, in proper shops, being served by people, so again aren't getting social connections.

A lot of clubs and societies are now operating wholly or partly online, so instead of going to a pub for an evening talk, you just log in and watch remotely.

Toxic social media is making people wary and afraid of others, because the bullies and weirdos tend to be the loudest so you start to think everyone is like that which makes you start to avoid people in real life unless you have a connection such as a common interest or hobby etc.

Let me fix that for you.

No woman with an ounce of sense who has a decent job with any prospects will go anywhere near a man in the workplace.

The risk to her physical safety, mental health, and career is far too great if Joe two desks down turns out to be an abuser or stalker. That means women have to find partners somewhere else which cuts down the options dramatically.

Yep! I met my OH through work, and that was 40 years ago, still together.

My brother met his wife through work, they're still together 45 years later.

Lots of people meet not directly because they work in the same place, but still people they meet via work, i.e. it used to be pretty common for emergency service workers to get together, i.e. a police officer and fire officer, or a nurse and policeman, nurse and doctor, etc. Or, someone we knew, being a secretary met her husband at work who was a copier engineer who'd gone to repair her office copier!

Lots of people also met through clubs & societies, voluntary work, etc.

Maybe working "directly" together isn't good, and maybe dating your direct boss isn't good, but there are plenty of other scenarios where a breakup wouldn't make much of a difference because you wouldn't need a lot of direct contact.

As for stalker-ish behaviour, that can happen to people who don't work together too - someone who is unhinged enough to be a stalker is going to stalk however you met.

Not just cost though. Pubs have changed dramatically over the past 2 or 3 decades. They're now places where people tend to go in couples/groups and keep to themselves rather than the old "let's all sit at the bar" type arrangement where random people chat to eachother. It's also take a very brave single woman to go into a pub on her own these days - it's just not the norm anymore. Lots of pubs have turned into restaurants. Very few offer real/viable options for singletons to go in and meet people, such as pub quizzes, live bands, etc.

I used to go into our village pub on my own as I knew there'd be friends and acquaintances there, so I'd be, firstly, safe, and secondly there'd almost certainly be someone I knew well enough to hang out with. I wouldn't even dream of going in now - whenever I pass, it seems to be full of loud young and middle aged blokes shouting over a football match on the huge Sky tv screen - no thanks!!

It took a very brave single woman to go into a pub alone 20 years ago! And when my mum was young, women who went into pubs alone were often presumed to be prostitutes.

You're wearing rose-tinted nostalgia goggles for a past that never actually existed outside of "everyone knows everyone else" tiny villages.

Is being a bit lonely and taking some time to get to know a range of people really the end of the world? These sound like quite fun gatherings. I agree there are extremes. I agree that WFH, COVID, relocation etc have a lot to answer for. But given the threads I read by people devastated by a four month relationship ending, I really think that knowing how to bear some loneliness/aloneness in the interests of really getting to know oneself and others may be a very positive thing.