Stand off with DH.

[gottostay]

DH has let me down incredibly badly recently. This is a glass by the dishwasher moment and cannot be rug swept.

This is my problem:
DH's mode of operation is avoidance of any conflict. So ingrained is his need to avoid conflict that he hasn't spoken to anyone in his family for many years. He will always choose being comfortable over facing things.

My style is to talk about things and work them out. I tried to tell him how I felt and he turned his back, threw up his hands to shut me down, and walked away.

It seems we are at a stand off. I can't talk to him, he won't listen. He won't initiate a conversation, he wants to rug sweep. This is too big to rug sweep.

How do we break this? I will die on this hill this time. There's no need to leave but the longer it goes on, the more damaging his avoidance of the issue is.

Sorry more information is required to make any judgement. Remember though that your way isn't the only or right way.

If you say to him - I will leave unless we talk about this.

Then he might listen.

Or he might not.

Ime they don't think you are serious until you go, and then they say but I would have listened.

What information do you need? I'm happy to answer questions. I'm not really asking who is right or wrong. Just how do you resolve this when the situation needs addressing and one party would rather ignore it.

Stonewalling, like he does, is one of the four horsemen of the marriage apocalypse.

I don't think leaving is in my child's best interests. At worst I'd look at separation in house. We can cohabit fine.

A letter?

I have done that in the past. I don't think that a letter would help and would be worse on my side. It would be worse because once again, as always, it would be me having to sort things while he sits passively around waiting for someone else to make it easy for him.

This is how I know he will never divorce me. He would wait for me to take action because then he's not the bad guy.

Arrange a time to talk.
DH we need to talk.
When would be a good time? I promise I will listen.

Don’t be angry and shaming, even if that’s how you feel, as he won’t sit for it.

He’s likely to have experienced blazing rows or death by hours long complaints at some point. Makes you averse.

Well is that what you want, a divorce? Or do you want to find a way for it to work?

Not from me he hasn't.

I need him to step up this time. The longer it goes on and he doesn't, the more damage is going on for me as far as the relationship. Having to be the one to initiate AGAIN, as always, will also be damaging. He needs to step up.

All I need is for him to apologise, acknowledge he really let me down and promise it won't happen again in the current situation. Then make good on it.

How long have you been together?

My DH was very like this when we first got married. It is behaviour he learned from his parents (his mum can go weeks without talking to his dad)

When we would have a tiff he would shut down and (I think) be scared to talk about it. I had to work HARD to change his behaviour.

I would say you need to tell him that his behaviour is damaging to your relationship and that communication is key to it lasting. Tell him you need him to talk to you, or your relationship is doomed. If and when he explains his side to you, you really need to try not to kick off and really listen to him instead. Keep doing this over and over again so that he realises its OK to talk about stuff.

We have been together 30 years. Since we were teenagers. He has always been this way. His entire family is the same. Which is why none of them talk.

He's had a lot of needs and I've supported him through them all. The reason this is coming up now is - I have not. Finally I needed some support and twice this year, he has fully let me down. He has done so in small ways in the past and I've not made a thing about it and have just told him how I felt, but this isn't small.

He's had counselling and support to work through all this communication stuff in the past.

You need to be clear.

"We need to talk this through or the relationship could be over"

Arrange a time and place to talk about it. If he won't, then it's up to you to choose to let it go or end the relationship

That sounds like a reasonable assessment though the talk will also then have to include how much I resent that I had to solve the issue myself - again.

I’m still confused. How exactly did he let you down ?. And what is he apologising for ?.

You knew what he was like when you married him. He hasn't changed and he won't change. Up to you whether you accept that and stop wishing for the moon or separate and find someone more compatible with your way of resolving thingsm

I'm really not sure what you can do.

You're prepared for this to be the hill you die on. But you won't divorce. You'll perhaps live separated in the home.

From his perspective, he's getting mixed messages. He won't talk but you won't do

And I completely understand why you're feeling this way. It's exasperating (to say the least) to always be the one responsible for your relationship.

Would telling him you're leaving for a few days break jolt him into realising what he could lose?

I'm going through some medical stuff at the moment. I have had two procedures in the last few weeks and he has made arrangements for these really difficult. I have supported him through all his medical stuff over the years without hesitation.

He needs to apologise for adding to an already stressful situation and not being supportive in my time of need. It's not like I've ever asked for much support because I'm always the supporter.

I've decided to just move forward without him as part of it for my own sake. I need to keep stress low.

No, I didn't know he was like this when I married him.

I am considering taking a few days away.

Perhaps he isn't sorry though.

It sounds very like DH. I learned to get on an do, regardless. He tends to do a bit better when the pressure is removed and nothing is expected.

I’m really sorry- it sounds shit- but he isn’t going to be different because you need him to be.

It’s a two way issue- his style isn’t wrong, it just doesn’t meet your needs.

How would he have been of you hadn’t supported him in the past? Mine would have just blundered along not noticing he was unsupported- or he’d have not complied with whatever treatment, because he was unable to organise it.

Then we can be friends but any emotional connection beyond that is done.

I actually don't know what he would have done. When you need someone to drive you home, they won't let you go without that. There's no-one else he could have asked because he's alienated everyone else in his family. People without someone at home usually have to stay the night in the hospital instead of going home, so I guess he'd have had no choice. He wouldn't have felt very loved though.

Yes, I am planning to just get on and do. Expect no support, no stress when you don't get it. I'll just tell him what he absolutely has to know.

But what has he actually done? You are dripfeeding in code

'I booked an operation and I need him to look after our child but he has booked a cruise for himself on the same day so will away for a week' for example