Stand off with DH.

[gottostay]

DH has let me down incredibly badly recently. This is a glass by the dishwasher moment and cannot be rug swept.

This is my problem:
DH's mode of operation is avoidance of any conflict. So ingrained is his need to avoid conflict that he hasn't spoken to anyone in his family for many years. He will always choose being comfortable over facing things.

My style is to talk about things and work them out. I tried to tell him how I felt and he turned his back, threw up his hands to shut me down, and walked away.

It seems we are at a stand off. I can't talk to him, he won't listen. He won't initiate a conversation, he wants to rug sweep. This is too big to rug sweep.

How do we break this? I will die on this hill this time. There's no need to leave but the longer it goes on, the more damaging his avoidance of the issue is.

How did he react to what you said?

He seemed genuinely sorry and upset he'd let me down. I thanked him for talking to me about it and for apologising. I think it's important for him to know it's not going to be rug swept instantly, even if forgiven. It hurt and I need a bit of time to trust him to be supportive in future. Right now, I'm protecting myself.

You tell him exactly what you've put in your post.

When he's sat down. Walk up to him, tell him he needs to listen to this, no discussion needed but you need 30 seconds of his attention. Then say 'I need you to know that you've let me down by doing x y &z, I need you to apologise and and acknowledge what you've done, the longer you avoid this, the more damage it's doing to our relationship. This isn't going to go away and I'm not going to forget about it. You have until x day to have this conversation with me, if you don't, and choose to avoid it. I'll take it as a sign that you don't value me, have no respect for me and don't love me enough to find a way to resolve this'

If he doesn't come to you and at least attempt to have this conversation, I'd say your relationship is dead in the water

It's obviously a big deal to you and I think that's understandable.

I would spell it out. We talk about this or we're done here.

He did talk and the pain has settled already. I've been worried this will affect the tests, so hopefully things are now a bit more in my favour having let go of some stress.

Read / listen to time to talk by Nancy Kline. The worst that can happen is you read an excellent book.

So he organised to take you but didn't tell you?

How convenient!

How is he going to ensure this doesn't happen again? I think couples counselling is the only solution.

Do you mean Time to Think? I found that one but not talk.

Sorry yes I do.

The audible book is very soothing!

I've added it to my Audible wishlist for now. Waiting for a new credit!

@gottostay

So, unsupportive, avoidant, and unwilling to resolve issues.

He is emotionally unavailable.

Nothing you do can make him change.

Leave. Life is too short to be unhappy.

He doesn't care about your health to put his emails down for a twenty minute round trip? He doesn't love you. Divorce him.

By staying, you are modelling to your children that this is what marriage looks like. Teaching DDs to be doormats and DSs to be entitled will make their adult lives harder.