Stand off with DH.

[gottostay]

DH has let me down incredibly badly recently. This is a glass by the dishwasher moment and cannot be rug swept.

This is my problem:
DH's mode of operation is avoidance of any conflict. So ingrained is his need to avoid conflict that he hasn't spoken to anyone in his family for many years. He will always choose being comfortable over facing things.

My style is to talk about things and work them out. I tried to tell him how I felt and he turned his back, threw up his hands to shut me down, and walked away.

It seems we are at a stand off. I can't talk to him, he won't listen. He won't initiate a conversation, he wants to rug sweep. This is too big to rug sweep.

How do we break this? I will die on this hill this time. There's no need to leave but the longer it goes on, the more damaging his avoidance of the issue is.

My DH was like this.

He never changed.

I decided that actually he did spend time with the children and was supportive in some other ways and so I didn't leave.

I also got myself to medical appointments and such like on my own. It is lonely.

I also stopped supporting him quite as much because it was clear I was putting in much more than he was.

Eventually it all blew up, but not for some years.

We have established a nice rhythm now. I observe what he does- the things that he sees as important- and I fill the gaps.

He actually does an awful lot. It’s just not the stuff I think is most important. He’ll vacuum three times a week but never clean the bathroom, for example.

I’ve stopped trying to work as a team. I leave him to get on with it and don’t waste my energy trying to coordinate.

It’s a King Canute moment really. You realise that no amount of telling the waves to go in or out will work, and get used to keeping an eye on it and moving your towel appropriately.

The exhaustion and despair comes from fighting to achieve something that isn’t going to happen. Once you accept it, life is actually much easier.

What a miserable way to live.
This is not a good marriage.
He won’t change.
Maybe stop pandering to him and put yourself first for a change.
Start building up friendship groups.
Your children will model this behaviour sadly.
If you aren’t going to leave then start limiting the damage by not doing so much for him. Treat him the way he treats you.
Again, thus is not a healthy relationship just because he does the odd good thing.
Remember absolutely everyone has good points.

If you wouldn't ultimately leave him, then this isn't the hill you will die on because he will not change. You want him to suddenly realise and apologise etc, he simply won't do that, I'd bet my house.

The best you can do is accept that and don't be as supportive to him

To be fair to him he is actually good at things like cooking dinner if I have a headache and things like that. The main weakness is emotional support. Often we are a really good team.

Wow. What a low bar! So you have to be ill to even get him to cook food for his own family?

You know you won’t get satisfactory answers out of him. It’s clearly beyond him.
He clearly finds it difficult to process your negative emotions so he just hides from them.
It is a big problem in relationships and my dh is similar though he would definitely do the lifts and is always the on call parent for anything issues at school. But if I’m upset and try to explain it, it is perceived as a threat, a challenge, which must be dodged or challenged back. It’s like talking to a toddler.
If you can make sure he understands the practical things he needs to do to make your life easier during your stressful times this is a step towards it.
So lifts put in place. You want him to stay with you and just hug you occasionally and listen. Things he needs to do. Not why didn’t you do this. He won’t be able to answer that.

He cooks in the weekends and does housework.

DH can’t apologise- we talked about it and he’s got some idea about an apology being for things you’ve done deliberately. As he doesn’t do anything deliberately, he doesn’t see that he can apologise.

Well what do you know. He just came in and said he wanted to talk. He asked me to list my upsets and disappointments. I told him I didn't think I needed to as I'm sure he knew. He did. He agrees he didn't clearly communicate and had actually organised to take me to my procedure. He just hadn't told me. Last I knew he was asking me to move it. He seemed genuinely upset he had let me down.

I told him how anxious I had been and how some support would have been useful. I've also told him that this isn't going to go away overnight and he's still not involved in my medical care, to protect me from stress. Maybe it's seems unfair, but I'm not going to forget this so easily.

So you never had an arguement during your pre-marriage relationship?
Everything was tickety-boo arranging the wedding? No conflicts?
But ok, if we accept he wasn't like this before, why didn't you tackle him about this as time went on and this behaviour started coming out?

Actually my children are nothing like him. They have been very supportive, as I have been of them.

She’s obviously tried to tackle it!

No, we didn't have an argument during pre-marriage or early marriage. I arranged the wedding. He paid for most of it.

The only tensions early on were when our baby was born and his mother started interfering. That's why he stopped talking to her, because it was more comfortable than having to talk to her about it. Easier to avoid. He didn't learn that approach from a stranger either.

I did tackle him about it as time went on and he did eventually do some counselling.

I'm pleased you got the apology you feel you needed to help you move on. I often desperately want the other person to apologise in arguments, tho having had counselling I can sort of see that this is an attempt to impose control on a chaotic situation, but rarely if ever fixes anything - people can sar sorry and then carry on doing the bad thing..... Or not say sorry but still stop the bad thing indeed! And it's the cessation of the bad thing that matters.

Does sound a bit odd - if he had arranged to take you to it why on earth did he not say so at the time?

Anyway. Is not involving him in your medical care a sort of sanction in your eyes? Because it sounds like he will be quite relieved and pleased to be honest?

Wow, @gottostay ! That’s progress!

You are wise to keep things calm during your treatment. I hope it goes well, that he steps up and does the right thing round the edges while you focus on yourself for a while. 💐

His ‘I tried/was going to but…..’ blah sounds implausible - he didn’t help you, practically or emotionally. Also seems he primarily feels sorry for himself, over you. self absorption.

couple’s counselling is indeed expensive, but there are also high costs to the status quo (or divorce).

sounds like you’ve decided to continue to put up with the status quo, so should expect more of the same. Would prioritise And look after yourself and reduce your support for him.

It's not a sanction. I'm worried that the stress will affect some of the test results, so removing as much stress as possible. Stress also makes me have pain flares and I've had so much because of him this week, I think it's better to just leave him out of it for now.

Seems to me this is a situation where you have kept a list in your head of all the things you have done for him and every wrong he has done to you. The death of any relationship really. Everyone has negative points and if you focus on them you can come to despise even the best of people.

He cannot go back in time and fix what has happened and you say he avoids conflict. So he doesn’t want to talk about it because it will end in conflict or you just telling him off. I don’t really know what you want to ‘discuss’ with him because you don’t want to discuss it - you just want to tell him he has been a shit. Where do you think that conversation will go. I would maybe just say ‘I was upset about xxx. This is why. Please listen to me next time’. No discussion or having a go.

You paint a very horrible picture of this man who you say has been like this since you met him. I am guessing he has good points you like about him that he still has now. If he doesn’t have these any more then maybe It’s time to pack up shop. If he does when was the last time you posted about these or told him about them (and before I get roasted with people saying ‘well he doesn’t do that about his DW’ - the point is it doesn’t sound like he moans about things he doesn’t like to her about him (he is non confrontational after all))

It doesnt sound like a very healthy and open relationship, but it sounds like it has moved in the right direction on this occasion. i do find that you said this abit wierd.

He asked me to list my upsets and disappointments. I told him I didn't think I needed to as I'm sure he knew

You are trying to encourage him to come to you to discuss things and talk them through and when he asks for your issues, you tell him he already knows, this could have closed the discussion right down again. I understand you mean he should already know he hasnt been supportive, but surely if he is opening up the chat, that you want, continuing properly will encourage this to happen in future.
Im not sure i would be encouraged to talk things out with my DH if this was his response when i tried.

Thank you. Hopefully when all the tests come in it will be simple and I can just move on understanding the issue, but without it having a major impact on my life.

No, he just internalises it all. I know I'm not perfect. Yes, he has far more good points than this one weakness. Maybe I just needed to talk about something going on in the present?

I can imagine if I started a thread about his good points that people would want to know if I was just bragging and wonder why I'd posted.

Fair enough. That wasn't verbatim though. How could he not have known? He's known for his attempts to get me to do the work, so I was just passing it back to him to lead this discussion instead of making me do it.

I think he's found you and your post on MN

That was fast then. I'd be surprised if he's on here.