Stand off with DH.

[gottostay]

DH has let me down incredibly badly recently. This is a glass by the dishwasher moment and cannot be rug swept.

This is my problem:
DH's mode of operation is avoidance of any conflict. So ingrained is his need to avoid conflict that he hasn't spoken to anyone in his family for many years. He will always choose being comfortable over facing things.

My style is to talk about things and work them out. I tried to tell him how I felt and he turned his back, threw up his hands to shut me down, and walked away.

It seems we are at a stand off. I can't talk to him, he won't listen. He won't initiate a conversation, he wants to rug sweep. This is too big to rug sweep.

How do we break this? I will die on this hill this time. There's no need to leave but the longer it goes on, the more damaging his avoidance of the issue is.

I don't want to be too outing.

I needed him to drive me to a procedure ten minutes away, and pick me up a few hours later. He was too busy answering emails to commit. So I organised someone else. It says a lot to not be able to put aside your emails for ten minutes. He has that flexibility. This is the second time this year this has happened.

He also knew I was terrified of the procedure and could have used some support. I didn't even ask him to stay with me. Bonus if he'd offered, but not required.

Surely after 30 years of this, any connection is long gone anyway.

It is a tricky one. He sounds like he was a bit of a project for you, and in making him so you ignored all your own needs. You let all the times he let you down go. So he carried on. And now ket you down in a big way you feel you cannot ignore, but at the same time you wont do anything about it.

you cannot win here because you want him to change his lifelong way of doing things but there is absolutely no incentive for him to do it.

My DH struggles with communication. We have been together 30 years also. Took me years to realise that the combination of autistic traits and poor parental dynamics meant it was difficult to build seemless communication skills. His childhood was spent keeping his head down, trying not to upset an explosive parent.

Thankfully he he does support me in other ways, he’s very caring so I look at the overall picture. Couples counselling has helped to a small degree but the most helpful thing has been long drives and walks together, away from all distractions.

I thought we'd been quite close lately. Until this.

It sounds like you feel unloved and cared for due to his selfishness. How likely is it that he's going to change his behaviour after 30 years?

Perhaps your only choices are to tell him that you're divorcing him or to carry on putting up with him.

It's not like I'm suddenly changing the rules though. It's great I haven't needed much support but there have been issues and he's had counselling to address them. Yet old patterns die hard.

Does 'quite close' involve him putting in any effort of any kind or just a peaceful, no arguments existence? And does he and has he apologised previously?

That for me would be unforgivable. How can he caddy he cares about you if he can’t stop doing emails when you need a lift for a medical procedure.

i would leave him if I were you. You say it isn’t best for your child but what relationships are you modelling for them if they see him avoid everything and be totally uncaring towards their mother. How ill/in need would you have to be for him to put them emails down!

id be furious and if tell him this problem won’t go away and the most likely thing is he’ll be asked to leave the family home if he doesn’t speak with you

We do enjoy that sort of thing together. We are good in that way. There was no disagreement with his mother in his household, that's for sure.

I feel like the time to really address this issue was very early on in the relationship tbh.

He's had counselling (which to me indicates there has been an attempt to change) but if he's not changed then I doubt he's going to start now after 30 years.

Hes not there for you emotionally or physically

He won't or can't talk about feelings

He won't or can't deal with conflict or issues or problems

So..... you're 2 people who live in the same house and live independently and on separate life paths

This isn't what you want

He won't change

Have I summed that up correctly?

I suspect you're right. It just hurts for the moment.

He doesn't apologise easily. He's capable of it though. I think we were just having fun and enjoying each other's company. You're right too, there were no tensions, so easy to feel close.

It’s very upsetting to feel on your own. Whatever the reason behind it, you are still left feeling unsupported when you most needed it.

We had a ridiculous moment yesterday- I’ve been getting steadily more annoyed that he doesn’t ’hear’ what I say. He does what he thinks I’ve said, when I’ve actually said the opposite. We realised that he can’t do two things at once so there is no point talking to him if he’s doing something- he simply can’t focus enough to listen- even when it was him asking the question.

Your husband may have heard what you were saying but been unable to process it was important over the emails in front of him. Hyper focus isn’t a conscious ranking of everything else being less important than the moments self imposed task. It’s an inability to switch from what he’s doing to listening to you.

The emotional closeness we have now is as friends, but don’t burn your boats- do what you need to now, feel hurt and lonely, but consider you may be happy enough afterwards to enjoy his company again. He may be a good enough husband for 90% of the time.

But that’s entirely up to you. Just don’t knee jerk punish him by divorcing under stress when it may not be best for you in the long run.

I'm sorry but it does sound like you are flogging a dead horse...it doesn't seem like your relationship is working and you don't seem happy.... time to make changes.

He did actually end up cancelling something the previous time to drive me - but not before it had been made really stressful and difficult.

The kids aren't aware of any of this and they are older anyway. Due to a disabled child, the logistics of leaving would be difficult anyway.

Op I think you’re flogging a dead horse. You’ve been together 30 years, he won’t even stay in the same room to have a conversation about it, so the likelihood of him suddenly changing is very small IMO.

I agree with other about letting him know, now is the time for change or the relationship will be over. The follow through. I don’t like ultimatums usually, but I think that is less an ultimatum and more you letting him know how serious the situation is and giving him a last shot at trying to change.

I mean if you can’t even rely on him to help you when you are unwell or needing a medical procedure then really it seems the relationship is dead in the water. I’d think that was a minimum.

Id also make sure you aren’t breaking your back to meet his needs. Maybe he’s used to you being the giver and has not realised that this can’t work one way long term.

It must hurt a lot and you're justified in wanting him to apologise. You said it's a hill you're prepared to die on so, given that he probably won't, have you thought about what your future could look like if you divorced? Maybe it's time to start building a much better life for yourself where you're not exposed to such hurtful treatment. Do you genuinely believe you deserve more than this or has the last 30 years eroded your self-esteem?

I tried to address it early. He has an anxiety disorder which got in the way and counselling was so expensive. Eventually he managed to get some funded counselling which was helpful.

If it won’t add to your workload at home or work a few days away to take care of yourself sounds good.

If the stonewalling with you is a long standing thing that’s bad.

Have you tried couple’s counselling?

If he stays as he is do you want to stay in the relationship and put up with it or separate?

What kind of a father is he?

People don’t change. If he’s been like this for 30 years you’ve not got any hope. Sorry to be negative but this is it. You said you won’t leave him so there’s no consequence to his behaviour.

To be fair to him he is actually good at things like cooking dinner if I have a headache and things like that. The main weakness is emotional support. Often we are a really good team.

He is capable of dealing with conflict. He just prefers to be comfortable by avoiding it.

We're probably at a transition phase of our marriage with the kids having just grown. He's also facing some career decisions so probaly distracted by that. Sometimes when he gets preoccupied with something like that, he can't see past it.

Well if you won't leave, then you have no choice other than to put up with it, as its not looking likely that he'll change. Assume he won't support you and make alternative plans with friends and family. If you're incapacitated by illness for example, arrange for a friend to come in and help you with meals etc, as if you're a single parent. (I can assure you however that this will make you beyond resentful. Having someone there who won't step up is harder than having no one at all).

Edit: I posted this before I saw your comment about him cooking and being OK at practicalities!