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Original poster

Not sure what to make of this

88 replies

Cutekittypie · 23/02/2024 15:10

I’ve been chatting to a lovely guy for a few weeks and went on some dates. He’s been a real gentleman and the connection was great. He started pulling away due to work stress and we had a chat about it.

He said he’s all over the place in his life. Doesn’t feel settled. He hasn’t had a weekend to himself in over a month. Hates his job. Needs to get back into running. To do his CV and apply for jobs. He has no time for anything. Maybe he’s not in the space for a relationship. He doesn’t want to lead me on but doesn’t want to shut things down. He said he’s not looking to get into my knickers, he’s a good decent guy. He said he wished he could suggest a drink tonight but he needs to be alone and decompress because he’s being shit on from all corners at work. And he wants to keep talking over the weekend and hinted maybe we meet.

He sounds so, so genuine. But am I being played?

I’ve been stressed in work before and I know how it can take over (we both work in high level pressurised jobs). But I’m just not sure.

I tried to be understanding but I sent him a message later after the call and told him we should skip dating and I hope his life gets better for him.

Did I do the right thing? It’s annoying because I rarely meet a guy I like so much.

I wanted to protect my heart and I guess if things get better for him, he can always reach out to me?

OP posts:
TheNuttyNatterer · 23/02/2024 15:21

I think he sounds genuine. But it isn’t fair on you to be left waiting for things to get better for him so I think you’ve done the right thing.

Spinet · 23/02/2024 15:23

Being the girlfriend of this man would be really horrible, whatever he intended. You'd constantly be wondering where you stood. Definitely the right choice, but I'm sorry about it.

Bilingualspingual · 23/02/2024 15:25

Chatting where? Online dating? It sounds like he’s not looking for a relationship. I’d pull away with grace (it looks like you have) and he’ll reach out if he wants to, like you said.
I think you’ve done exactly the right thing.

Superawkward · 23/02/2024 15:26

It doesn't sound like he knows what he wants TBH. I would walk away. If it feels like hard work then it is.

Opentooffers · 23/02/2024 15:29

Absolutely you did the right thing. If true, you'd be opening yourself up for the misery of being his therapist for who knows how long given that he's spilled all this after one date - whereas anyone who just had pressures, but was coping, would keep it to themselves at such an early stage. That he'd try and date and suck someone in with all that going on is him doing another bad decision and looking for distraction of his problems rather than dealing with the, so no wonder he's built up a list to deal with over time.
Otherwise, I'm sceptical, as most really would not share this kind of stuff from the start, but it would be a good way to test if you've found someone you can breadcrumb, yet get to stick in the background, while dating others. Or just excuses to set the way its going to be and maybe see how trusting you are and open to manipulation.
None of the above are good, so yea, you correctly did not get sucked in by inmt.

Begaydocrime94 · 23/02/2024 15:37

Realistically if looking for a relationship isn’t his priority he’s not going to put his all into it and it’s not what you want really. Tbf it sounds like getting back into running is on a higher priority than dating, I’d just leave it for now. Sorry it does sound hard xx

SamW98 · 23/02/2024 15:43

I’ll be honest he doesn’t really sound like he’s in the right place for a relationship and will waste your time.

You've done the right thing

Olika · 23/02/2024 15:46

He is not in the place to have relationship so no point of seeing him.

samestyle · 23/02/2024 15:46

You're being played you did the right thing by not waiting around for him.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/02/2024 15:48

If he were really interested, he'd be making time for you. He sounds like a fucking flake and a lot of hard work.

DatingDinosaur · 23/02/2024 17:36

Sounds like he's hoping to keep you on the backburner for when it suits him, be that as a friend, or more.

Original poster
Cutekittypie · 23/02/2024 19:03

Thanks all
it’s hard because I liked him so much x

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutekittypie · 24/02/2024 12:22

Aquamarine1029 that’s what I thought initially. Now I wish I had just gone with the flow and seen what he had to say this weekend. He said he didn’t want to shut things down and we should talk on weekend. But I messaged him later and said let’s skip dating and hope things improve for you.

OP posts:
warmheartcoldfeet · 24/02/2024 12:30

It sounds like he needs to get his house in order before inviting other people into it.

You did the right thing.

He may be looking for someone to 'save' him and that's not a healthy place to start a relationship or good position to find yourself in.

SallySunrise · 24/02/2024 12:44

Sounds like he's looking for something entirely on his terms. Dated a similar one recently, he was a really nice bloke too. Just a lot going on. However, it's not a great feeling being on the receiving end.

You're doing the right thing.

Picklestop · 24/02/2024 12:45

You definitely did the right thing. I don’t believe in all this bollocks about being too busy at work for a relationship. People find time when they want to. He just wasn’t sure about you and wanted to keep you dangling.

Original poster
Cutekittypie · 24/02/2024 12:49

Maybe he was juggling me with someone else and trying to decide? Picklestop ?

OP posts:
shininglight16 · 24/02/2024 12:52

Did he respond to your last message? If he really likes you he'd put in more effort imho

Original poster
Cutekittypie · 24/02/2024 12:54

shininglight16 we spoke twice on phone yesterday where he explained all of this. Then I messaged to say we shouldn’t date and I hoped life gets better for him. He didn’t even reply to that. Which makes me think maybe he’ll get back in touch. Or he’s just rude.

OP posts:
JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls · 24/02/2024 13:03

You 100% did the right thing.

He's checking to see if you're going to be the kind of women who will be happy to let everything be on his terms. When and where you see each other, what you do etc. He's already so "stressed" that, if you were the kind of woman he is looking for, you'd always minimise your own stress or worries so as not to overload him.

Well done on asserting perfectly reasonable and appropriate boundaries.

Ilovelurchers · 24/02/2024 13:15

My friend seems to match with loads of guys who are (or claim to be) in this kind of head space at the moment.....

It annoys me because often they seem lovely and well suited for her so she gets quite excited about the prospect of meeting them. But when it gets to that point, suddenly they are too stressed with work or whatever ....

I really think that if people, male or female, don't have headspace to actually date, they should remove themselves from dating apps. It's not fair on those people who actually want to meet somebody soon.

Or maybe there should be sub-sections of the app - a section you can join if you actually want to meet somebody in the flesh, and one for people who just want endless texting, but don't have time/inclination for flesh and blood meeting.....

I would leave this one be, OP. See what he does. If he likes you and is genuine, he will reach out soon to arrange a date. Don't waste any more time and energy on him till then......

Superawkward · 24/02/2024 13:18

Ilovelurchers · 24/02/2024 13:15

My friend seems to match with loads of guys who are (or claim to be) in this kind of head space at the moment.....

It annoys me because often they seem lovely and well suited for her so she gets quite excited about the prospect of meeting them. But when it gets to that point, suddenly they are too stressed with work or whatever ....

I really think that if people, male or female, don't have headspace to actually date, they should remove themselves from dating apps. It's not fair on those people who actually want to meet somebody soon.

Or maybe there should be sub-sections of the app - a section you can join if you actually want to meet somebody in the flesh, and one for people who just want endless texting, but don't have time/inclination for flesh and blood meeting.....

I would leave this one be, OP. See what he does. If he likes you and is genuine, he will reach out soon to arrange a date. Don't waste any more time and energy on him till then......

Have you ever seen the dating expert Matthew Hussey (awful name 🤣)? He talks a lot about how people want a deliveroo kind of relationship. They use the apps and want a relationship to just turn up on the doorstep without making the effort of dating etc.

I honestly believe men like this DO want a relationship. They just have warped ideas about relationships and don't know how to put the work in to get one.

Original poster
Cutekittypie · 24/02/2024 13:18

I think most if not all are looking for easy sex Ilovelurchers

in terms of my guy, I don’t think he’ll reach out again. He didn’t even reply to my last msg.

OP posts:
Olika · 24/02/2024 13:29

I know you liked him but it's best this way. When you meet a man who is serious about dating to meet right person to have relationship with you don't have to understand this and that.

niadainud · 24/02/2024 13:43

I really think that if people, male or female, don't have headspace to actually date, they should remove themselves from dating apps. It's not fair on those people who actually want to meet somebody soon.

Totally agree. People who pretend in this way are infuriating and utterly selfish.