Not sure what to make of this

[Cutekittypie]

I’ve been chatting to a lovely guy for a few weeks and went on some dates. He’s been a real gentleman and the connection was great. He started pulling away due to work stress and we had a chat about it.

He said he’s all over the place in his life. Doesn’t feel settled. He hasn’t had a weekend to himself in over a month. Hates his job. Needs to get back into running. To do his CV and apply for jobs. He has no time for anything. Maybe he’s not in the space for a relationship. He doesn’t want to lead me on but doesn’t want to shut things down. He said he’s not looking to get into my knickers, he’s a good decent guy. He said he wished he could suggest a drink tonight but he needs to be alone and decompress because he’s being shit on from all corners at work. And he wants to keep talking over the weekend and hinted maybe we meet.

He sounds so, so genuine. But am I being played?

I’ve been stressed in work before and I know how it can take over (we both work in high level pressurised jobs). But I’m just not sure.

I tried to be understanding but I sent him a message later after the call and told him we should skip dating and I hope his life gets better for him.

Did I do the right thing? It’s annoying because I rarely meet a guy I like so much.

I wanted to protect my heart and I guess if things get better for him, he can always reach out to me?

Thank you Moonlightandroses44 am feeling very sensitive and like an idiot

Don’t - your intuition was bang on the first time. That’s good. You just doubted yourself.

you’re not pathetic in the slightest. Wanting to see the best in people is not a bad thing. But your faith is wasted in the likes of him. He isn’t worthy.

xx

That's sweet thank you Moonlightandroses44 usually I'm pretty good at figuring this stuff out but he was so confusing for me to figure out.

I would put money on it he's not been watching sports with his mates but seeing another woman
It's absolutely textbook when they do that slow fade and contacting you less they are invested in someone else

FrancisSeaton it would explain why he was so excited about me, then went cold in a matter of days

Happened to me years ago
He stood me up and didn't ever contact me again after being in constant contact and as keen any anything for another date. I then found out he was seeing a work colleague ffs

OP this exact same thing has just happened to me this week as well. We’ve been sort of dating since Christmas but this is the second time he’s flaked on me - oh and this time he decided to do it by asking for space whilst I was on a boat literally 6000 miles away! Dickhead.

Can’t really provide any advice other than I’m feeling a lot like you are so please don’t beat yourself up. This guy also seems able to do the other fun stuff in his life - eg watching sports too - just not with me. He did delete his OLD (or so I thought - I could be blocked) but I have my suspicions… I could be reading too much into it but he changed his profile pics on WhatsApp the second he’d sent that message to me, says to me he wanted someone else to notice that.

If he liked you he would be seeing you. End of really. All those 'reasons' are just bullshit. You did the right thing.

I disagree. It MIGHT be that he's seeing another woman. But with this type of man, at this point, it's far more about seeing right up front how flexible and accommodating you will be. He is only interested in a woman who will allow herself to be convinced that her needs and wants are less relevant/important than his. So this sort of behaviour upfront those women out very early - the ones who will feel sorry for him because he's stressed and burned out and will therefore sit back and wait on him for when it's convenient. Even the bit where you come back after saying no... it's a further test. What's your reaction to him being at sports? What's your reaction to him not contacting you? I guarantee that if you texted him now, he'd tell you he was knackered from being out all day. or he might contact you proactively in a few days and be all apologetic, while still making excuses. It's probably not even conscious.

In 10 years time, this is the man who will not be doing any housework or childcare becuase he's too tired/stressed from working. He'll be the one who goes to the pub whenever he feels like it. He'll be the one who will manage to convince his partner that SHE"s th ebitch because she lost her temper when he, yet again, left her to do all the housework.

JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls I completely agree with you. I probed his relationship history. Come to think of it, I can’t recall him talking about a long term serious relationship. He’s 41. I’m thinking he just wants fun.

Read 'he's just not that into you'...funny read & also saves you a lot of time if you take it on board 👍

Update: we messaged on Monday. And I took the opportunity to ask him if he was brushing me off, that's fine. He said definitely not and he assures me it's not the case. That he wants to see me. Then he doesn't reply for two days. He really didn't strike me as someone who would mess around like this especially at our age. Oh well. Another lesson learnt. I am dating someone else and chatting to several others. I just find this all so exhausting. Why can't people be straight up.

They don't want to be straight up @Cutekittypie why would they need to be, what have they got to lose? They aren't invested, they've got irons in several fires, you just aren't a priority to them.

And I took the opportunity to ask him if he was brushing me off, that's fine. He said definitely not and he assures me it's not the case. That he wants to see me.

Why ask him a question that he has every opportunity to reel you back in with, you fed him the line, made it easy for him to lie through his teeth, and he took it.

go with people's actions, if they seem like they aren't invested, guess what, it's because they aren't. Don't waste any more energy trying to over analyse or reconcile, put it down to experience, but don't keep making the same error in judgement or you'll spend an awful lot of time being taken in by time wasters who like their ego being massaged.