Not sure what to make of this

[Cutekittypie]

I’ve been chatting to a lovely guy for a few weeks and went on some dates. He’s been a real gentleman and the connection was great. He started pulling away due to work stress and we had a chat about it.

He said he’s all over the place in his life. Doesn’t feel settled. He hasn’t had a weekend to himself in over a month. Hates his job. Needs to get back into running. To do his CV and apply for jobs. He has no time for anything. Maybe he’s not in the space for a relationship. He doesn’t want to lead me on but doesn’t want to shut things down. He said he’s not looking to get into my knickers, he’s a good decent guy. He said he wished he could suggest a drink tonight but he needs to be alone and decompress because he’s being shit on from all corners at work. And he wants to keep talking over the weekend and hinted maybe we meet.

He sounds so, so genuine. But am I being played?

I’ve been stressed in work before and I know how it can take over (we both work in high level pressurised jobs). But I’m just not sure.

I tried to be understanding but I sent him a message later after the call and told him we should skip dating and I hope his life gets better for him.

Did I do the right thing? It’s annoying because I rarely meet a guy I like so much.

I wanted to protect my heart and I guess if things get better for him, he can always reach out to me?

I feel like an idiot. I told him I liked him.

He just wasn’t into me, was he? The work and life stuff all lies and excuses?

Op; read the book 'he's just not that into you'

because. He's just not that into you

you don't need to feel bad! Its life - he messed you about - just be clear in future that any mixed signals and you are out of there.

Things is, he seemed SO into me. Like crazy into me. Then over a few days it all stopped so suddenly and we spoke and he seemed very genuine about his life and work. waterrat

@Cutekittypie

I am sorry this happened and I can see how it is making you feel sad and disappointed and unsure and vulnerable.

I wanted to come on and say that you definitely did the right thing.

Not that I am in the market for OLD at all (never used it) but I do know what an intentional relationship looks like and this is not it. And you deserve better than some flakey, wishy washy, “I’m not sure”, “I will see how it goes”
sort of answer (or NO answer, in this case).

You deserve better.

I don’t know what it is; could be the pandemic, the economic crisis, mental health crisis, the Gen differences, social media, porn …. So many things but ultimately my observation is that there are a lot of a flakey people out there.

You did well to swerve. Try not to give this confused man any more headspace.

All that, and he's not even offering sex? You did the right thing OP!

GreigeO that’s what makes me think he’s being genuine…he said he’s not trying to get into my pants…

You've known him for a few WEEKS

He is already a liability and a drama llama with problems and issues

You don't need ANYone like this in your life

Get rid

OP, may I ask how old are you and him? I'm trying to make sense of what life stage you're at...

I'm guessing you're younger than me so I can guide you from my experience.

Also, did he ever insinuate that he was only interested in sex? Can you elaborate on how he was into you, what did he say/do?

I'd like to understand how things unfolded from the beginning to make more sense of what may be on his mind. What did you tell him during these chats? How many times did you meet? Have you checked his social media profiles etc?

shininglight16 both late 30s
we chatted for weeks before meeting
he’s not my type but his msgs and calls were so lovely and persistent, I thought I’d give him a try
dates were well thought out and he paid for everything
the chat was great and natural
he was a true gentleman and really respectful - after dating for so long and many horrible dates, I knew this guy felt different
messages every day
complimented how attractive he found me
then it stopped and for a few days he became unwell with a cold and then work stress hit
he spoke about work stress since we met so I wasn’t surprised
yes I checked his profiles extensively, I am careful
he went on travels and sent me group pics of his family (parents and sisters)

maybe he just decided he didn’t like me enough or he met someone else
hence he wanted to keep me as back up

anyway he didnt even reply to my last msg telling him we shouldn’t date. It was a lovely msg. I don’t know if he plans to reply or is just going to leave it. It’s been 24 hours.

Given the stage of your relationship is very early with no commitments made, I think you did the right thing.

i can't see the point of talking about the situation at the weekend, why bother.

He's clearly not in the right place to be dating so you've cut to the chase and told him goodbye and good luck. Dragging it out any further is a waste of energy.

I think it is good he was honest, and didn’t muck you around or keep you hanging.

What's the point in him putting himself up to date someone if he's got no time? Just weird, or dishonest.

Notamum12345577 well he asked to keep talking as he didn’t want to shut things down or commit…so he would have left me hanging…

Pigglyplaystruant99 I’m now wondering if he’s being dishonest… but he did sound very stressed about work…

He was trying to set you up for making all the effort.

you 100% did the right thing. Good for you.

Love bombing. Then devalue and discard. You didn’t act the way he wanted in the devalue phase so he discarded and is moving on.

Op not easy I hate time wasters though.. he did seem nice. I feel it would be always on his terms. Hope u ok x

I was going to say exactly this OP. Thank you for sharing your detailed response, so both of you are in your late 30's as you mentioned similar age to me. For some reason, I thought you guys were younger.

Anyway, he doesn't seem very sincere and it looks like there was some love bombing ar the beginning which then transformed into devalue and discard. Has happened to me as well, mature guy in his early 40's, showed keen interest, wanted to pay for everything, take me out, etc..When he saw it was getting more serious at my end, he lost interest and it faded away...

I don't think this guy is what he appears to be and the fact that he's not bothered responding in 24 hours says it all. Good you got rid of him, you probably dodged a bullet.

Take care and better luck next time x

You have done the right thing. If nothing else, you've drawn your line in the sand. Why is it all for him to choose and decide? You've let him know that uhmming and ahhing isn't good enough for you...and quite rightly.
Face it, if he was feeling the excitement worthy of you, he'd be direct and seeking you out.

Yes you've done absolutely the right thing. If it's a genuine work crisis he can get back in touch. The last thing you want is to become his free phone and text therapist

Is he called Andy and is aged 43…? 🤔

Sounds to me like you are just someone that he can fall back on as an when it's convenient for him,life's too short to wait around for men.If he does have true genuine feelings for you he would be honest with you an let you move on with your life otherwise you will be walking on egg shells not knowing where you stand from one day to the next.Dont fall into the led a stray as it could potentially impact on yourself whether it be feelings or mentally