Husband has hit me badly, although was a one-off and he was drunk...do I take him back?

[D74]

Hi, I've posted on here before about my marriage problems. In a nutshell, last year he had an 'emotional affair' with a work colleage (sexual chats, obsessive texting, "I think I love her..." etc). In response I had a full-blown affair (which has now ended. I told him about it and he was gutted - his reckoning was that at least his "wasn't physical" etc etc). All v v messy and 2007 was the year of many many rows - and after I found out about his "infatuation" with this girl, I did slap him around the face a few times in sheer rage, I admit. In a few of these rows he 'pushed' me a bit, but nothing more than this and sometimes it was only because I was blocking doorways (childishly I know) because he'd so often threaten to leave....Very very messy. Can't believe I'm posting this to 'strangers'

We've since been to Relate and have actually been getting on quite well lately - very well some weeks in fact.

We spent Easter Sunday y'day at a friend's house and he got drunk on beer. He certainly wasn't paraletic (sp?) but beer makes him aggresive, it just doesn't agree with him.

We'd argued that morning about his grouchiness towards the kids (he's an unhappy dad - another issue!) and I was also upset with him because he didn't want to go to our friends' house (he can also be a little anti-social - well, apart from when it comes to the Office Blonde it seems...)...we got home, he made sarcastic comments about me to the kids (we have 3 young toddlers) - I hate it when he does that and I steamed in to tell him so (I get protective over the kids). It boiled over into a verbal row (in front of the kids I'm ashamed to say) and then he just lost it: threw me about the house, my head against a wall, threw me against the stairs....I called the police in shock and he spent last night in the cells and has been given a caution. My arms are black and blue, my head has a huge lump (though it's going down) and my body just aches. He's called up to say he's sorry - but isn't exactly what I'd call shocked or appalled by his own behaviour. He says he is - but I'm just not feeling it on the phone. He also claims he wasn't that drunk - which almost makes it worse. He also has tried to explain himself by saying I was winding him up (I'm sure I was...)....is this kind of thing ever get-over'able??

Any advice would be really appreciated. I can't bear to see / tell my friends. They'd be mortified, and (stupidly perhaps) I'm embarrassed.

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I am sorry this has happened to you. Have you been seen by a doctor for your injuries? It sounds pretty bad.

I wouldnt take him back, if I were you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have done nothing wrong.

I hope somebody with some better words of wisdom than me would come along, I just did not want this to be without replies.

i wouldnt take him back because i would never be able to trust him or feel safe around him again

how horrible for you and your children

are they ok?

did they witness him assaulting you?

goodness-it sounds like a very unhealthy relationhip and you sound desperartly unhappy- his abuse is wrong.end of

the relationship sounds pretty over to me.sorry x

I think it sounds as though neither of you is good for the other and maybe you'd both be better off apart. More to the point the environment is extremely unhealthy for your children and that alone would be enough for me to leave.

It sounds a bit like an abusive relationship on both sides so you need to talk about that together - if he wasn't drunk how does he explain his actions?

I can only say that it sounds like the exact same situation I went through one night. I had to get out of the relationship after it, I'm afraid I wouldnt put my child through witnessing anything like it again.

I was not married to the guy but had invested and lot in the relationship and my DD wasnt his. So quite a difference to you in this way.

So sorry he's put you in this position where you feel like to have to make such a huge decision, but do you honestly think that this will be the one and only time? Because something will have to change drastically to ensure that it is.

He betrayed you with a colleague
He's pushed you before
He's threatened to leave 'many times'
He has an alcohol problem and is an aggressive drunk
He's grouchty towards the children
He describes himself as an 'unhappy dad'
He makes sarcastic comments about you to the children (not just a one-off)
He has subjected you to a vicious assault.

I'm sorry, but of course you shouldn't take him back. Do you have daughters? Do you want them to see you with this man?

Why has he only been given a caution?

Hope you're OK.

It does seem that he's not taking much responsibility for his own behaviour - by saying you were winding him up. Personally, unless he could completely apologise with absolutely no caveats or excuses for anything, I would be loathe to let him back in.

Blimey. You say it's a one off but he doesn't seem at all apologetic or remorseful . He seems to be blaming you 'you were winding him up'. He isn't accepting that what he did was so very wrong, particularly in front of the children. I'm not sure I could ever forgive this sort of behaviour.

My DH has lost it before and gone a bit mad in front of the children, knocking over chairs etc, and I've found that very hard to deal with, but if he actually hit me, then I really think that would be it.

Do you want to give him another chance??

Speaking with the benefit of hindsight here, I wish I hadnt taken ex back after the first time he hit me.

Did your H hit you in front of your children?? I ended up with social services on my doorstep after the final time as fighting in front of the kids could end up with them being injured. As it's the first time I'm assuming SS wont turn up, but they will have received a police report.

It's down to you, do you think he'll do it again do you want to take that chance.

You say he is an unhappy dad. What if he gets so unhappy that he does that sort of thing to one of your beautiful children? think it'd be more than a few bruises. I wouldn't give him another chance.
Also, and I've done this myself, so I know what I'm saying here. You standing in doorways to stop him leaving is about you trying to control him. Seems like you have an unhappy and unhealthy relationship. Get him gone I think for the kids sakes if not yours.

Message withdrawn

The only way you'll know this was a one off and will never happen again is if you leave him.

If my dh did that to me the answer would be a definite no.

As someone else said this was a sustained attack.

jesus christ leave. it isn't a matter of relationship problems. it is a matter of personal safety. good luck.

Please do not stay with this man

You will never trust him again

Letting him get away with it will give him carte blanche to do it again.

I am really sorry you are going througfh this

I think SS will get involved as it was dealt with by the police. They contacted me and I was furious and ashamed that this guy had involved the authorities in our lives.

Fortunatley I was able to tell them that I'd sent him packing and the policewoman remarked that its for the best.

If he is not mortified and upset by the injuries he caused you he is likely to do it again, and, if one of my family members is anything to go by once he's started on you, the children will be next.
Sorry to sound so negative but his behaviour is not going to get better by the sound of it.
Hope you find the strength to leave.
Don't be embarassed to tell a friend, my best mate from school told me (after YEARS) that her dp was mentally and physically abusing her. I was so shocked and immediately offered her a home. She found the strength to leave him and go into therapy. She did stay with me a while and she later said that seeing a "normal, loving" relationship made her realise how abnormal her relationship was. I am so glad I was able to help her and would do it again for anyone in the same situation like a shot.

If one of your friends is in any position to help and can be relied on then don't be embarassed. It is your partenr who should feel that, not you. Look for help where you can. Strength in numbers. Think about yourself and your kids now.
He has lost his right to your regard, love, loyalty or devotion.

Nothing you could possibly have done or not done justifies his behaviour.

An immediate separation is definitely called for, and I would make his giving up alcohol completely a precondition before any reconciliation is considered.

If he protests at all when you kick him out, tell him it's for his own good: you could easily have died during the sustained assault - if you hit your head at a slightly different angle or on something harder - and he would then have been looking at a long stretch.

There are patterns in domestic violence,and children who have been brought up in this environment very often go on to have unhealthy dysfunctional relationships themselves.

This man IS ABUSIVE and although as an adult you have a choice as to whether you stay with him or not,your children don't.PLEASE make the right choice for them and end this relationship NOW.

Womens Aid can help you please contact them.

D74, why on earth would you take him back? Aside from the physical attack which let me tell you, would be the absolute nail in the coffin for me, what on earth does this relationship have to offer you?
And I don't believe there is such a thing as a one-off. If he's capable of doing it once, he's capable of doing it again.

I think you should go to a doctor, get examined, and pictures taken of all your bruises. Write it all down--what he did, what hurts. Keep a diary, and write down all you can remember from times past.

Agree with everyone else--he's not sorry he did it (is sorry for himself that he spent night in jail), and you should ditch him.

Be prepared for flowers and begging, then anger, then "feel sorry for me" attitude (baggy clothes, unshaven, unclean, woeful). I learned this all from MN! : )

Thank you all for posting comments, I've drawn real strength from this.

so,what are you going to do?

I think your marriage is over tbh.