Husband has hit me badly, although was a one-off and he was drunk...do I take him back?

[D74]

Hi, I've posted on here before about my marriage problems. In a nutshell, last year he had an 'emotional affair' with a work colleage (sexual chats, obsessive texting, "I think I love her..." etc). In response I had a full-blown affair (which has now ended. I told him about it and he was gutted - his reckoning was that at least his "wasn't physical" etc etc). All v v messy and 2007 was the year of many many rows - and after I found out about his "infatuation" with this girl, I did slap him around the face a few times in sheer rage, I admit. In a few of these rows he 'pushed' me a bit, but nothing more than this and sometimes it was only because I was blocking doorways (childishly I know) because he'd so often threaten to leave....Very very messy. Can't believe I'm posting this to 'strangers'

We've since been to Relate and have actually been getting on quite well lately - very well some weeks in fact.

We spent Easter Sunday y'day at a friend's house and he got drunk on beer. He certainly wasn't paraletic (sp?) but beer makes him aggresive, it just doesn't agree with him.

We'd argued that morning about his grouchiness towards the kids (he's an unhappy dad - another issue!) and I was also upset with him because he didn't want to go to our friends' house (he can also be a little anti-social - well, apart from when it comes to the Office Blonde it seems...)...we got home, he made sarcastic comments about me to the kids (we have 3 young toddlers) - I hate it when he does that and I steamed in to tell him so (I get protective over the kids). It boiled over into a verbal row (in front of the kids I'm ashamed to say) and then he just lost it: threw me about the house, my head against a wall, threw me against the stairs....I called the police in shock and he spent last night in the cells and has been given a caution. My arms are black and blue, my head has a huge lump (though it's going down) and my body just aches. He's called up to say he's sorry - but isn't exactly what I'd call shocked or appalled by his own behaviour. He says he is - but I'm just not feeling it on the phone. He also claims he wasn't that drunk - which almost makes it worse. He also has tried to explain himself by saying I was winding him up (I'm sure I was...)....is this kind of thing ever get-over'able??

Any advice would be really appreciated. I can't bear to see / tell my friends. They'd be mortified, and (stupidly perhaps) I'm embarrassed.

?

One of the asaddest things is that he doesn't seem to want to be a dad and is taking his frustrations out on you all.Please don't let him manipulate you all further by letting this behaviour go.

D74 I believe these statements are key to this issue "Before me, his relationships were with women much younger than him, inexperienced and very 'needy' (though I don't at all believe he abused them physically as he's on good terms with them now etc). I do though believe he finds 'strong and feisty' women difficult to be in a r'ship with (I am those things and v opinionated too!)"

Ultimately DV is about power and control.He didn't need to use violence in his relationships with these other women to control them.You however challenge him and he has to be able to put you down somehow.

In one of your posts you say that you still love him.I would like you to think about what it is about this man and the way he treats you and makes you feel, that you love.

You will probably say that it's not all bad,that their are times when he is wonderful,but this is all part of the cycle of DV

Tension Building-Violent or Aggressive Episode-Regret-Loving Honymoon Period-Tension
Building- and so on and so on and so on.

In the end you will be emotionally battered that you will no longer recognize what you feel.

You will be dependent on him emotionally,if he's happy then you are allowed to be happy but if he's down then you had better be down too!

How many tines have you sat at home with a knot in side you waiting to see what sort of mood he will come home in?

I'm sorry that this post goes on a bit,but you have made me cry.

Ten years ago I was you.I know how hard this is for you but there really is only one right choice.

Oh and by the way, why should you need a babysitter to go to your class? Is he suggesting he "babysit", as if he is doing you a favour? Do you babysit your children, or do you accept that they are your responsibility and therefore the caring you do for them does not merit the term babysitting?

Lillypie you are probably exactly right in everything you say (re not needing to control the other woman and me being a challenge)....I feel so let down and was (naively) convinced that I had one of the few 'good men' (when he's in a good mood - which mostly he is - he's great; in fact he's usually ok with me - it's the kids he's grumpy and inconsistent with) - I guess what I'm saying is, I have no choice but to leave him - for my kids' sake. I mean, if he were to go to counselling (again) and give up the booze and prove to me in person how truly sorry he is etc etc etc - but he isn't doing that. In fact I just got an email from him saying (again) "I'm really sorry" and then "I can't be with you anymore" - which is really odd because I'd already told him it was over (is this a child-ish control thing again - ie. he wants to be the Dumper not the Dumpee??)

I am suddenly seeing this man for a lot of what he is, particularly with the control thing. I still don't feel all that strong though and the thought of being alone is not a nice one. But I am drawing so much strength from the comments on here, and I am going to disempower him by not engaging in further email or text conversations or responding to his comments.

The silly thing is, I feel that at 34 (almost) I am over-the-hill and it's too late to find someone else (not that this is high on my agenda at the moment) - where would I begin (in past arguments he's always said that no one would look twice at me because I'm a mum of 3)...

Still feel numb today but am trying to be strong.

ok,you need to sort out some practical support from family/friends so you cant be persuaded that you need him.you need to be able to carry on with your life without him in it.please dont leave your little girl with him if she is scared.my 9 year old dd has recently told me about times i left her with her father,thinking i was doing the right thing,but she was scared and upset and even now she is confused as to why i left her with him

he always twisted and manipulated evrything,saying he had a right to see his children,they had a right to grow up knowing their father,he would never hurt them etc etc.and i believed it all and let him see them,untill he fucked up for the last time 18 months ago and they(now older and able to make their own decisions)said they didnt want to see him anymore.

my 10 year old son has also seen a psychologist and we are waiting to do a course of play therapy together due to the emotional problems he has having witnessed the violence.

No no no no no no

Haven't read the thread, don't need to. He hit you. 'Nuff said.

Everyone is alone essentially.You have your kids for now and lots of support here.If you can just accept that for now and stop looking ahead and thinking of another relationship before you have even finished this negative one.It is not the be all and end all to have a partner so let that be for now and be kind and love yourself.He doesn't deserve you

I would never hit my DW, it is wrong on every level, inexcusable. Drunk, angry, frustrated, whatever the excuses, it is never forgivable. I hope you find the strength to go forward and find the solutions which best look after you and your family.

[as a footnote, what was that slagging off of Madamez about??! One of the most insightful and committed posters on here. You may not agree with all her views but to me, she is virtually untouchable, if only because she always contributes, is always honest and never gets angry/bitchy/stroppy]

I agree about the madamez comment - wtf was that all about???

i love madamez's no-nonsense tell it like it is posts!

D74 You are not to old to start a new life and meet someone else.When I left my partner I was 33 with two traumatized teenage boys.

I spent the next six years healing myself and my children.It was very important that I took responsibility for my part in the relationship and recognized the reasons behind the choices I had made, in order to break the cycle and change my life.

I had to almost re-learn who I was.

I had resigned my self to being single forever and was perfectly happy for that to be so.Why should I take a risk on someone making me miserable when I had finally learned how to make myself happy?

Then completely out of the blue I met a wonderful man and am now the mother of a beautiful baby girl.

Telling you that no-one else will ever want you is just another tool of control.

I hope you find your answers.

"The Charm Syndrome" by Sandra Horley could be a good place to start xx

Hitting your head off a wall is very very disturbing, and could have killed you. I would be very afraid of this man.

quick post as at work! I think it takes a LOT of hard work and counselling to change a response to anger, can you imagine changing how you react to things just by trying hard?

as in HIS response to being angry, which was to hit you!

Hi everyone, just to say thanks again for your posts. Have been feeling a lot stronger today and while at pub with friend last night, I was even chatted up at the bar (not that I did anything about it - it was just really lovely and very timely that a member of the male species actually gave me a little boost of confidence!) - made me feel young again!!

As for today, have been having lovely time w/ the 2 younger ones (worryingly though my son came out with a sudden and random "daddy horrible" - which is what he was saying just after it had happened - I just played it down again and said "yes, sometimes daddy is naughty - just like you are!")

I'm realising that I can't control his feelings, and if he doesn't feel sick to the stomach for what he's done, frankly more fool him.

I'm also realising how over the last couple of years I've been investing so much time and energy into a difficult relationship, the kids have been coming second (not in time but in energy)

Don't get ne wrong, I'm not 'all fixed' and a bundle of joy (far from it) - but it's like my head is taking over from my heart. I guess I'm falling out of love with him...? I certainly have lost respect for him, which is sad.

Thank you for the strength these posts are giving me.

I am glad you are feeling stronger. Sorry I was not clear earlier, i was so busy at work but wanted to say something. All I wanted to say was not to believe him if he just SAYS he will change, as its not that easy to change. STill can't type clearly as DD is girning! Stay strong

Keep posting D74 - it will help you sort out in your own mind what you need to do. It's great that you can still be such an attentive mum despite the trauma of living with your partner.

It wouled be terrible for your children to witness you being hurt again

I haven't posted before on this thread but have followed it and am soooo happy that you've had this realisation. It's a cliche but take things one day at a time. I'm sure you will surprise yourself at how strong you really are- he's the weak one in this situation.