Husband has hit me badly, although was a one-off and he was drunk...do I take him back?

[D74]

Hi, I've posted on here before about my marriage problems. In a nutshell, last year he had an 'emotional affair' with a work colleage (sexual chats, obsessive texting, "I think I love her..." etc). In response I had a full-blown affair (which has now ended. I told him about it and he was gutted - his reckoning was that at least his "wasn't physical" etc etc). All v v messy and 2007 was the year of many many rows - and after I found out about his "infatuation" with this girl, I did slap him around the face a few times in sheer rage, I admit. In a few of these rows he 'pushed' me a bit, but nothing more than this and sometimes it was only because I was blocking doorways (childishly I know) because he'd so often threaten to leave....Very very messy. Can't believe I'm posting this to 'strangers'

We've since been to Relate and have actually been getting on quite well lately - very well some weeks in fact.

We spent Easter Sunday y'day at a friend's house and he got drunk on beer. He certainly wasn't paraletic (sp?) but beer makes him aggresive, it just doesn't agree with him.

We'd argued that morning about his grouchiness towards the kids (he's an unhappy dad - another issue!) and I was also upset with him because he didn't want to go to our friends' house (he can also be a little anti-social - well, apart from when it comes to the Office Blonde it seems...)...we got home, he made sarcastic comments about me to the kids (we have 3 young toddlers) - I hate it when he does that and I steamed in to tell him so (I get protective over the kids). It boiled over into a verbal row (in front of the kids I'm ashamed to say) and then he just lost it: threw me about the house, my head against a wall, threw me against the stairs....I called the police in shock and he spent last night in the cells and has been given a caution. My arms are black and blue, my head has a huge lump (though it's going down) and my body just aches. He's called up to say he's sorry - but isn't exactly what I'd call shocked or appalled by his own behaviour. He says he is - but I'm just not feeling it on the phone. He also claims he wasn't that drunk - which almost makes it worse. He also has tried to explain himself by saying I was winding him up (I'm sure I was...)....is this kind of thing ever get-over'able??

Any advice would be really appreciated. I can't bear to see / tell my friends. They'd be mortified, and (stupidly perhaps) I'm embarrassed.

?

D74, well done for reporting this. I want to echo what has been said about telling someone in RL. I think you will wonder why you were scared/embarrassed to when you do, people can be surprisingly caring/ supportive/ nonjudgmental you know. Take care and be strong, you and your children deserve to be happy and safe. x

I can truly relate to your situation. MY Ex partner behaved in a similar way and became physically abusive, pushing me and throwing things at me, he even dared to do it when we had split up and i confronted him face to face bout hanging up on me. He pushed me 3x so i had him arrested ... It was my only way to say STOP ... If he thought he could carry on seeing our son of 6 years and treat me like that still he got another thing coming. !!! Still hate him now and wish him nothing good. He made me very very angry.. and sad, but i let him see our son so that he has a father , he pays me maintenance and it gives me a break . I hope you will do what is right for you and your kids, you deserve better,, you dont deserve to be treated like that. It may get worse and more aggressive. From my own experiences it does, and its happened in my both my last 2 relationships. Wishing you lots of luck and good wishes. XX

D74 - I cannot tell you whether or not to take him back.

But i would beg you to please do a search on my name. i have posted n numerous threads like this giving details of the DV that went on during teh 7 years i was with my childrens father.

If that doesn't convince you let me know and i will gladly forward you a copy of my statement to court, the police files held on my xp for the 63 times they were called in a 4 month period.
i will forward you the medical files of the 3 miscarriages i had due to violance.

I will then also forward you the latest psych report about my 7 year old son. it details how the violance he witnessed during those years has caused him severe emotional damage. it explains that he is extremely aggressive and unless he has a lot of intensive therapy he will be a danger as he matures.

As i say, i cannot persaude you one way or another. my situation and my xp are different to yours but please, if you make a decision ensure its an informed one.

Gosh Mamazon - your post is a wake-up call. I'm so scared that my kids will have been scared properly because of seeing this? Does anyone think they will? The twins are 2.5 and I have a (very mature for her age) 4 yr old.

I can't think of anything worse.

Today we had a nice, gentle and quiet day together. They were grouchier than usual but were tired from the night before (went to bed v late). I have explained that daddy was a "bit naughty but he's going to be good now and loves you all v much" - they seem to accept this - but have been clingier than usual today and hated it when he came home - not because they were afraid of him but afraid of us being together.

They have heard a handful of rows in the past (non violent but quite loud).....mostly though, they've been unaware of our probs.

has anyone else had kids of a similar age w/ a similar situation and how have they (and you) handled it?

Thanks again everyone. Funny to think of all the lovely ppl posting and I have no idea who you are...

all kids hear their parnts have a row or two growing up. it's pretty normal.

I don't imagine there will be any lasting damage from this one incident but if it were prolonged they would learn that this was a normal behaviour. they would have this vision of violance being acceptable, however many times you say it isn't.

you have handled it fine so far. if they ask about it you can tell them that daddy was very naughty to hurt you as we don't hit people. its wrong.

I didn't mean to scare you D74, but im glad you realise that this realy can have a very serious and long lasting affect on your children if such behaviour continuse....a lesson i wish i had not had to learn

agree with Mamazon, I don't think hearing the odd row hurts kids but you are right to discuss it with them. You are showing them that you are aware of something that maybe (probably) is upsetting them and that you can make it right.

I agree with Mamazon - it's the ongoing trauma of seeing parents at war with each other that damages children. One incident like this can be dealt with - but please DO deal with it. Talk to them about it - they may not have the words to do so. Then you can all put it behind you.

Get out of there love. It's over. He's selfish, self-obsessed, misogynistic and abusive, and even if years of therapy could turn him into a civilised human being, it's too late for your couple-relationship. Womens Aid will be able to advise you on your legal rights and also on how to maintain a safe relationship between your DCs and their father. He's already had a night in the cells and he's still blaming you: think carefully about whether you let him back in the house (abusive men often get more violent if they think you are planning to get away) - if the police have had to remove him once they will be quick to come and do it again. Whatever the situation regarding whose name the house is in, it's the family home, in which your DC have a legal right to remain, safe from violence, so he can be removed from the house and legally kept out of it.

madamez my darling, you really need to start actively pursuing that career as a freelance journalist. Otherwise you are going to explode in a profusion of self-obsessed purple-prose desperation - reading your posts is like watching somebody straining on the toilet to the point where their haemorrhoids rupture and shit-streaked blood spatters everything within a 2km radius. Be kind to yourself. Invest in that distance-learning journalism course.

Greeny!

I love reading madamez's posts, they are beautiful and insightful.

Agree with Quintessentially

Me too, I love Madamez posts.

You know, greeny, I think your haemorrhoids are the ones in danger. From that stick up your arse. But if you fancy a nice ruck shall we take it elsewhere?

Bloody hell,
so it is haemmorhoids getting you off, Madamez,
now I know what to tempt you with next time....

And me! I thought her last post was really useful. Unlike others.....

My post should have appeared after scanner's!!!!

Mamazon -
You are one hell of a woman.

Madamez - love your posts.

D74 - I think you know you are doing the right thing both for yourself and your children, strength to you.

not at all Alistair.
i feel the most immense guilt at what my inaction has done t my son. i am just glad i learned in time to save my daughter from teh same hell.

I hope that by relaying my experiances here i can help prevent another child going through the same.

I agree with Wisteria
It sounds like you two have a toxic relationship. Of course your children will pick up on the tension in the house, and be a "handful".

BTW, maybe the last few weeks of "getting along" was such a strain for your DH, and he finally popped. I am not saying that to absolve him, only to highlight that perhaps it wasn't all that genuine.

Good LucK, and stay strong

We'll have to agree to disagree, Mamazon.
The fact that you are here and willing to share what you have been through, speaks volumes to me.

My ex had pushed me a couple of times(including while pregnant with DS1)
To cut a long story short I left him the day he dragged me down the street by my hair in front of DS, he smacked my head into the door frame and pulled me out of the car as I was trying to get away with DS

I left hin there and then as I knew it woulw only get worse and I wasn;t going to allow my DS to witness anything else.

I hope you make a decision that is right for you and your DC's

Madamez, your posts have really struck a chord with me:

"He's selfish, self-obsessed, misogynistic and abusive...He's already had a night in the cells and he's still blaming you"

It's very hard to feel someone you loved (and still love) falling down from their pedestal - but you're absolutely right, all this demonstrates an incredibly selfish and self-obsessed trait. I had always suspected he might be a little bit mysogynistic too (not overtly but just from subtle things he said, mainly in 'career conversations') and now I'm thinking you may well be right on that score. Before me, his relationships were with women much younger than him, inexperienced and very 'needy' (though I don't at all believe he abused them physically as he's on good terms with them now etc). I do though believe he finds 'strong and feisty' women difficult to be in a r'ship with (I am those things and v opinionated too!)

I am finding this morning v hard because he texted last night to ask if I needed a babysitter for my (usual) exercise class tonight and the kids do miss him. My younge daughter (the 2.5 yr old) is being more introverted than usual this morning though - and when I suggested our usual jaunt to the library for singing and stories she came out with "no library, daddy there" - I'm so scared of what's going through her mind. I intend on alleviating these fears though by going to the library, and I'm continuing to talk about theur daddy in a positive way (replied with "no sweetheart he's at work but maybe we can go to the library with daddy another day")

It's very hard too because all your posts make perfect sense and if I was reading my thread, I'd be saying all the same things, I really would. But the problem is, he really is usually a gentle and kind man and can be just great w/ the kids.

I am thinking of getting sleeping pills from my GP as daytimes are kept busy w/ the children etc, but at night my head starts racing (and I've always suffered slight insomnia) - does anyone have any experience of these? I don't want to become addicted, but frankly I was so tempted to sink a bottle of wine last night just to 'knock me out' and take the edge off the pain but that's hardly healthy either...

I know I keep saying this but thank you. You're all so kind.

Morning D74, well where do I start? I stumbled across your thread last night and it has stuck with me.

The other ladies who have posted with their experiences have supported you well and would not want to see anyone else suffer any other kind of abuse. I was in an abusive controlling relationship some years ago but nothing as horrific as what the others have endured, however in the little experience I do have its that a leopard never changes his spots.

If anyone has been with a man that has been abusive and he has turned himself around then my apologies for the negativity but Im sure it would be in the majority.

You would always be wondering when is the next smack, punch etc be coming.

That is not love.

I can appreciate you need your time and space for yourself, as in your exercise class, but IMO i dont think I could leave the kids if they were that scared still. You are saying the right things to the kids regardless of how you feel about him, you are being the better person.

I wish you the strength to carry on. The children need a happy mummy and if that is without a Daddy living with them, then that is what will have to happen.

He needs to earn their trust back, they witnessed an horrific attack on you and obviously are remembering it far too well.

Listen to mamazon.I sense you are relenting slightly in your last post and using the children as an excuse I am sorry if I am wrong but that is what it sounds like.

If you are intending to stay with him, you need to insist that he goes to anger management counselling so that he learns to take responsibility for his anger and his actions and you need to continue with your couples counselling and ensure that the violence is confronted there.

If you don't, this will happen again. And next time, will you tell your kids that Daddy's been a bit naughty but he won't be naughty again... again? How many times will you tell them that? Remember that they are learning about how human adult relationships are conducted, from you and your husband. On the whole, what children learn from their parents, they tend to repeat as adults. So if they learn that relationships are conducted with maturity, respect and love, that's what they'll re-enact in their own adult relationships. If they learn violence, fear, disrespect... well, I don't really need to go on, do I?