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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband has hit me badly, although was a one-off and he was drunk...do I take him back?

93 replies

D74 · 24/03/2008 16:56

Hi, I've posted on here before about my marriage problems. In a nutshell, last year he had an 'emotional affair' with a work colleage (sexual chats, obsessive texting, "I think I love her..." etc). In response I had a full-blown affair (which has now ended. I told him about it and he was gutted - his reckoning was that at least his "wasn't physical" etc etc). All v v messy and 2007 was the year of many many rows - and after I found out about his "infatuation" with this girl, I did slap him around the face a few times in sheer rage, I admit. In a few of these rows he 'pushed' me a bit, but nothing more than this and sometimes it was only because I was blocking doorways (childishly I know) because he'd so often threaten to leave....Very very messy. Can't believe I'm posting this to 'strangers'

We've since been to Relate and have actually been getting on quite well lately - very well some weeks in fact.

We spent Easter Sunday y'day at a friend's house and he got drunk on beer. He certainly wasn't paraletic (sp?) but beer makes him aggresive, it just doesn't agree with him.

We'd argued that morning about his grouchiness towards the kids (he's an unhappy dad - another issue!) and I was also upset with him because he didn't want to go to our friends' house (he can also be a little anti-social - well, apart from when it comes to the Office Blonde it seems...)...we got home, he made sarcastic comments about me to the kids (we have 3 young toddlers) - I hate it when he does that and I steamed in to tell him so (I get protective over the kids). It boiled over into a verbal row (in front of the kids I'm ashamed to say) and then he just lost it: threw me about the house, my head against a wall, threw me against the stairs....I called the police in shock and he spent last night in the cells and has been given a caution. My arms are black and blue, my head has a huge lump (though it's going down) and my body just aches. He's called up to say he's sorry - but isn't exactly what I'd call shocked or appalled by his own behaviour. He says he is - but I'm just not feeling it on the phone. He also claims he wasn't that drunk - which almost makes it worse. He also has tried to explain himself by saying I was winding him up (I'm sure I was...)....is this kind of thing ever get-over'able??

Any advice would be really appreciated. I can't bear to see / tell my friends. They'd be mortified, and (stupidly perhaps) I'm embarrassed.

OP posts:

PotPourri · 24/03/2008 20:50

OMG. What a horrible situation! Hope you doing ok, and your lovely little ones. You know you can't take him back, don't you? It is never just once that these men hit. And it was hardly a little push or something, it was a full on assault. Please find some support in RL to help you get through this.

I know you may be wondering if it is better for the kids to have their dad there - but just think about what that would be telling them if you take him back- that it is ok to assault women/you.

There are lots of people on here who can support you in the next steps, lots of people who have walked away from abuse, and after some hard work and heartache, come out the other side stronger and happier. Big hugs in the meantime.

WideWebWitch · 24/03/2008 20:54

No, don't take him back.

Original poster

D74 · 24/03/2008 20:55

I've just written him a long letter explaining that I am shocked by his casual apology and reitterating my injuries etc. I've said I want a seperation. I've said that while I do love him (true) I can't put the kids at risk of this happening again and his behaviour has proven once and for all that actually, he may love me in a 'sort of' way - but it's not the kind of love I want or need. I've been nice about him seeing the kids (although have said that I want a complete break this week and as the kids were nervous when he showed up this morning for his wallet, I feel it best he doesn't see them either this week, just so I can re-dress the emotional balance a bit and get healthier parenting boundaries in place).

Trouble is, I know all of the above is the 'right' thing to do - but I'm still bloody annoyed that he's not at least begging for forgiveness tonight.... that's my own stupid ego, right?

I'm also cross that he'll meet someone else (eventually) and she'll reap the benefits of perhaps a nicer husband (which I know he can be) - and I'm just so hurt he couldn't have....loved me more. Make sense to anyone (no matter how non-sensical)??

OP posts:

3NAB · 24/03/2008 20:58

totally makes sense

you are sad for what you have lost

why not an ego thing? it is like when you are with someone who doesn't want to get married and/or have a baby but 5 minutes after you have ended it with them their new wife is pregnant

Kindereggsurpise · 24/03/2008 20:59

No, do not take him back.

He did not just hit you in a rage, he threw you about the house.

He is abusive, an unhappy dad, sarcastic towards the kids.

Why would you want to stay with him? You cant want your DCs to think that this is acceptable behaviour.

Elasticwoman · 24/03/2008 21:00

Sadly it is by no means inevitable that he will be a better husband to some one else. That guy recently convicted of serial rape has a history of domestic abuse - from women who put up with it and didn't press charges.

Of course you are sad about the death of your relationship - that's natural. Doesn't mean you are making the wrong decision.

Hassled · 24/03/2008 21:01

Yes, it makes perfect sense - you know what a great guy he could have been and it's very hard to deal with the fact that actually, he isn't a great guy at all. And he may learn from all this and become a good guy but that will be too late - the trust has gone. There's no way this is going to be easy for you to deal with in the near future, but it will get easier with time. A separation/divorce can be like a bereavement - you mourn what night have been.

FWIW I echo what everyone else has said - his behaviour has crossed all acceptable boundaries and it's hard to see how you could ever be happy with each other.

Janni · 24/03/2008 21:01

That was a VERY serious attack. You could have suffered a life-threatening head injury with that level of physical violence against you and that he was able to do it in front of young children is BAD - alcohol or no.

Wouldn't you always be tiptoeing around him if you took him back, scared of upsetting him?

I was 11 when I witnessed my dad, drunk, beat my mum up. I screamed, I tried to pull him off, I thought he had a knife and would kill her.

She did nothing. It was never spoken of again.
It haunted me for years and their marriage was always miserable - she's now his carer because his drinking led to his body packing up.

How much do you really want to be with this man?

CrushWithEyeliner · 24/03/2008 21:02

Jesus did the kids witness you being brutalised like that? Get out please for the sake of your kids.

oregonianabroad · 24/03/2008 21:02

Anytime you think about taking this man back, consider the message about abusive relationships you will be giving your children.

No, don't ever take him back, ever.

MadameCh0let · 24/03/2008 21:03

I'm glad you reported him. I never reported my ex. He was aggressive to me about ten times. Those ten times were quite spread out over about 4 yrs, so I never considered myself a battered woman, but they did start to increase in frequency.

Unlike you, I never reported him. Perhaps the fact that he spent a night in the cells will make him realise that he can't get away with it.

TBH though, I'd start again.

Kindereggsurpise · 24/03/2008 21:03

Tbh, if he cannot show remorse today, after beating you then I cannot imagine that he will suddenly become the kind of husband and father that you and your children deserve.

expatinscotland · 24/03/2008 21:04

I think you need to split and get yourself into some anger management counselling, tbh.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 24/03/2008 21:08

In my experience once they have hit you they cross a line and it will happen again and again.

Leave now before he hits the children

so sorry for you
x

lucharl · 24/03/2008 21:09

No way take him back. And if you can bear to, do tell at least one of your friends or family. Being honest about abuse to those around you will help you, it will mean you are less likely to take him back, put up with any similar behaviour in the future etc. I know what it's like to put up a front to friends and family, it's a big relief when you admit what's going on and you will receive only love and support. If you keep this story to yourself you are in danger of excusing his behaviour to yourself somehow and letting him back in your life.

snotbuster · 24/03/2008 21:10

'You wound me up' is a pretty standard explanation from an abusive man -it's never their fault/responsibility that they hit you (in their minds) and part of the guilt trip that keeps you with them.
Imagine that this had happened to a good friend of yours - what would you tell her to do?
Sorry this has happened to you - don't let it happen again.

Elasticwoman · 24/03/2008 21:15

Janni - so sorry to hear of your terrible memory. To be caring for him now, your mother is a saint.

Divastrop · 24/03/2008 21:23

i agree that you should tell your friends and family what happened.you have nothing to be ashamed of,and you will need support over the next few weeks to get through this.

dont think about him meeting someone else.any future relationships he has will probably go exactly the same way as he believes he has done nothing wrong.

you,on the other hand,can have a bright future with your dc.

Original poster

D74 · 24/03/2008 21:29

I'm deeply touched by the support on here, thank you. And TBH, the more I think about his disregard for the kids, the more convinced I am that I am doing the right thing. That said, I fully expect him to come crawling back w/ apologies and tears....

OP posts:

Original poster

D74 · 24/03/2008 21:30

(when I say fully expect, I don't mean I'm going to ask him to do that, I mean I think it is going to happen) - sorry!

OP posts:

Janni · 24/03/2008 21:30

Thanks Elasticwoman - she is! And I thank God I had the sense to look for a partner who was the polar opposite of my dad.

I absolutely agree with Snotbuster - my dad's 'misery' was always my mum's fault. Your DH is saying it's partly your fault that he slammed you against a wall?

I don't think so.

MadameCh0let · 24/03/2008 21:38

My ex used that one too. I couldn't get through to him that it was HIS repsonsibility to control his temper, not my responsibility to tip toe 'round him.

expatinscotland · 24/03/2008 21:41

oh, yes, i had a boyfriend who, after a row, went and got bladdered at the pub.

the next day, he kept trying to blame his sore head on me. all day.

if ever there were a crock of shit it's someone blaming you for his behaviour.

lucharl · 24/03/2008 21:41

stay strong D74, and please tell someone in RL

JingleyJen · 24/03/2008 21:45

D74 read this thread

there is a great escape list on there that if you do take him back (I don't personally think you should) that you should think about.

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