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Original poster

Rant - caught my husband speaking ill of my family to my in laws

106 replies

FairBlueStork · 22/02/2024 23:35

Just a rant. I don't have anyone to vent to in real life. So I'm coming here.

My husband and I flew to see my family and stay with them for five days. It was his first time ever seeing them.

When we came back, it turned out he spoke ill of my family and my home with his mother.

He said that my family was fucked up.
He said my mum was a shit mum.
My dad was clueless and useless. Looks completely lost.
My brother lived like a dog - he is lazy, only wakes up to eat and goes back to bed, does nothing with his life.
That the house was so dirty it was disgusting.

They did nothing to him and nothing happened behind my back - he just said he felt frustrated with things and took it out on my family. My mum is not a shit mum. She just has a different relationship with me than he does with his mum.
They did everything to make him feel welcome. They paid for our flights, welcomed us in and paid for our taxis and every restaurants/outings when we went out, even when it was just my husband and I.

Now what makes things even worse is my MIL feels very comfortable speaking about my mom too. She doesn't know I know what they talked about.
She keeps insisting my mom doesn't come to our child's birth (I'm pregnant), that now that I'm married I need to leave my family behind and my main family are now my in laws and I know have another mum so there's no need for both of them to come see my child, alongside other weird remarks.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 23/02/2024 00:04

Before we all give commiserations, suggestions and hugs - are there any cultural reasons as to why his mum would say you are now in their family etc? I believe in some asian cultures the bride becomes more part of the husbands family?

how do you know he said these things? Has he apologised?

have you told his mum to back off, can you? How does your husband feel about what she’s saying and how she’s acting to you?

sprigatito · 23/02/2024 00:05

I would end the marriage and get the hell away from these people before your baby is born. They are completely toxic and will make your life a misery.

Original poster
FairBlueStork · 23/02/2024 00:09

TheCatterall · 23/02/2024 00:04

Before we all give commiserations, suggestions and hugs - are there any cultural reasons as to why his mum would say you are now in their family etc? I believe in some asian cultures the bride becomes more part of the husbands family?

how do you know he said these things? Has he apologised?

have you told his mum to back off, can you? How does your husband feel about what she’s saying and how she’s acting to you?

Their family is south Asian, however, their lifestyle doesn't reflect being part of the husband's family. My MIL goes to her family for all events and holidays, she is very low contact with her husband family and there is no expectation from them.

I overheard him

He's defending his mum and backing her up because he likes her plan better. He spoke ill of me to her when I objected and he asked her to try to convince me again.

His mum is trying to convince me that the baby will be rejected by them if I refused to move in with them to give birth so they could bond with him. She also told me that her husband was verbally abusing her because of me not wanting to do what she said.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 23/02/2024 00:12

@FairBlueStork massive squishes. It sounds like you are on a slippery slope with your husband and MIL ganging up on you. This is only the beginning and it won’t improve I bet.

How supportive are your family? Would they help you leave if they knew what was happening?

I worry he and his family will alienate and separate you from your family.

do you rely on him for money or have your own income?

Original poster
FairBlueStork · 23/02/2024 00:14

TheCatterall · 23/02/2024 00:12

@FairBlueStork massive squishes. It sounds like you are on a slippery slope with your husband and MIL ganging up on you. This is only the beginning and it won’t improve I bet.

How supportive are your family? Would they help you leave if they knew what was happening?

I worry he and his family will alienate and separate you from your family.

do you rely on him for money or have your own income?

I have my own income, but like an idiot I put it all in the joint account while my husband kept 2/3 of his in his account, so I don't have savings.
This will however change and I'll be able to save up from now on.

My family live far away, so I'm not sure they will be able to help me much

OP posts:
SlumberDearMaid · 23/02/2024 00:15

This is deal-breaker territory for anyone with semi-decent boundaries.

If it’s the first time he’s meeting them, then I’m guessing you haven’t been together long?

Dump and move on.

Edit - sorry, it says husband in your thread title. Gosh…. 😳

Original poster
FairBlueStork · 23/02/2024 00:23

SlumberDearMaid · 23/02/2024 00:15

This is deal-breaker territory for anyone with semi-decent boundaries.

If it’s the first time he’s meeting them, then I’m guessing you haven’t been together long?

Dump and move on.

Edit - sorry, it says husband in your thread title. Gosh…. 😳

Edited

Thank you for your reply.

We have been married for 10 months

OP posts:
Catoo · 23/02/2024 00:28

Run OP.
They sound nuts.

Can you get on a plane and go home?
💐

BasiliskStare · 23/02/2024 00:34

Read your posts back to yourself @OP & either get some money of yours out of the joint account or build up own savings or just ask him if he can rebalance the 2/3 in his account. His answer may say whether he is being reasonable. Just as a back up plan stop the joint account and build up own savings.

Most normal people don't behave like this. Not everyone likes their in laws but there surely has to be a quid pro quo in dealing with both sets of parents.

Best of luck @FairBlueStork

Meadowfinch · 23/02/2024 00:36

OP, you need to think hard. Your ILs are toxic, abusive and manipulative. There is just no other word for it. And your dh doesn't sound any better.

Do not go there to give birth, Stay at home or go to your mum's. As soon as your baby is born, get a court order preventing your 'dh' from taking the child out of the country.

What an awful situation to be in OP. Run for the hills.

Original poster
FairBlueStork · 23/02/2024 00:40

BasiliskStare · 23/02/2024 00:34

Read your posts back to yourself @OP & either get some money of yours out of the joint account or build up own savings or just ask him if he can rebalance the 2/3 in his account. His answer may say whether he is being reasonable. Just as a back up plan stop the joint account and build up own savings.

Most normal people don't behave like this. Not everyone likes their in laws but there surely has to be a quid pro quo in dealing with both sets of parents.

Best of luck @FairBlueStork

He refuses to re-balance the money in the joint.
He actually said he wants me to put my money in the joint for household expenses, and for him to keep his in his account and "give me pocket money" when I ask for it. He earns 3x times as much as I do.
He wants to have the sole control on finances.
He said he would speak to someone to see if what he thought was fair. He then spoke to his brother, who said it was perfectly fine and healthy, that we both had our roles in the family, whatever that means. And not to trust me with finances, that I could screw him over. My husband agreed. He also said I was obsessed with money.

I'm however going to put a stop to that and make sure I save up some of my own money in my own account.

OP posts:
Avatartar · 23/02/2024 00:47

Oh no - you are being hijacked for your baby. Get rid of DH and do not move in with MIL- they’re taking all your freedoms, you simply can’t sleepwalk into this- run

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/02/2024 00:49

If he earns 3 x what you earn, then he can pay ALL the household bills, because it sounds like he will still have more money left over than you will.

Arrogant, nasty fuckers, the lot of them, INCLUDING your husband.

I would be seriously rethinking giving birth to your child anywhere near them. Once they are born they can prevent you moving etc.

Go to your family and have your baby there. If he wants to stay married to you then your husband needs to seriously rethink his attitude and behaviour. And you need to get and stay the hell away from his family.

Heathers4evs · 23/02/2024 00:52

Take your money out of the joint account ASAP.

Your husband has behaved appallingly and his mother's demands are demented. She saidwon't bond with the baby if you don't move in with her - this is her threatening to reject her grandchild if she doesn't get yo be the key adult in his/her life.

The baby needs to bond with you, grandparents get to build a relationship with their grandkids, but they don't get to demand that their right to a 'bond' supercedes Al others, and it's not in the baby's interest.

If you move in, you will be sidelined as the help, as she plays mummy with your baby, and your husband has shown that he won't support you, his mother comes first.

Can you go back to your parents for the birth? Even if your marriage breaks up over it, you'll be with people who love you and will love your child. I'm a single parent, from the beginning but not by choice, and while it was a very scary prospect,and I've never found it that hard.

If you get away before the baby arrives you'll have time and space to decide what you want to do.

Original poster
FairBlueStork · 23/02/2024 00:53

Meadowfinch · 23/02/2024 00:36

OP, you need to think hard. Your ILs are toxic, abusive and manipulative. There is just no other word for it. And your dh doesn't sound any better.

Do not go there to give birth, Stay at home or go to your mum's. As soon as your baby is born, get a court order preventing your 'dh' from taking the child out of the country.

What an awful situation to be in OP. Run for the hills.

I definitely won't give birth there. I know for a fact that, at best, they will stop my family from coming and will make things very awkward for me and at worse they will stop me from taking our child back home. They are already talking about putting whatever money we are planning to put down for a mortgage, towards an extension of their house instead. My MIL also wants my son to call her mum. She wants to enroll him in the school she works at, decorate his room, organise his birthdays, etc... etc...
They are all very controlling. My husband yelled at me and then gave me the silent treatment and insulted me and my country because I didn't like the name he wanted for a boy because it didn't have a pretty meaning in my language.
He asks me to kiss his mum, give her feet massages, give her gifts, etc... (even though she stole the gifts that his family gave me)

She will speak ill of me to the rest of the family, including the extended family, right in front of me.
She will tell me that she should have never approved of the marriage, that everyone in the family opposed to our marriage, that I created many problems in her family, that I'm dirty, lazy, messy, simple minded, slow, that I can't cook, that I have no family values because my family lives abroad so I have no family.
She called her sil in front of me to tell her I didn't shave my pubes and then proceeded to say the same to her son. She told her sons that I always leave my dirty pads in the washing machine while we were having dinner, even though I don't wear pads, etc... etc...

He wants me to greet him from work by taking off his work shoes and putting slippers on his feet. He sulks when I don't do things the way he wants them. He will sulk if I have coffee with my breakfast instead of after my breakfast in the living room, if I choose to have a shower after cleaning the house and not before, etc...

We live an 10 hour drive away from his parents, when I asked him if we could take the train instead (we can afford to) because I get car sick, especially now that I'm pregnant, he said no, he doesn't like the train, and called his family to tell them I was stopping him from seeing them.
He doesn't like when things don't go exactly as he has planned them

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 23/02/2024 00:53

If that is true, you need to get out now OP. He & his family are insane. He sees you as nothing more than a baby-making machine. You will have no rights.

Call Woman's Aid and ask for their support. You need to leave before the baby is born. I'm so sorry.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/02/2024 00:57

You are absolutely insane if you stay in this relationship. It will be years and years of abuse. Get out now. Save your child from these monsters.

Cornishclio · 23/02/2024 00:59

OMG. So many red flags I cannot believe you have accepted what your husband has told you. You do not need his permission to take your own money out of the joint account so do that straight away. Why on earth is he asking his brother what is healthy? He wants to dole you out pocket money? Is he living in the 1950s? Your MIL saying that you have to move in with them and to not see your mum. WTF!!!

I think I would be steering well clear of them and tell your husband that if he disrespects your family again you will be out of there, his family are the ones who are weird and maybe you are obsessed with money because he is screwing you over. Get your finances in some sort of order as you definitely need a running away fund. Was he like this before you got married?

Catoo · 23/02/2024 01:01

If that’s all true OP, just get on a plane home as soon as you can.

Don’t waste time saving up.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/02/2024 01:01

Get. Out. Now.

The man has no redeeming qualities, and you know it.

Original poster
FairBlueStork · 23/02/2024 01:03

Cornishclio · 23/02/2024 00:59

OMG. So many red flags I cannot believe you have accepted what your husband has told you. You do not need his permission to take your own money out of the joint account so do that straight away. Why on earth is he asking his brother what is healthy? He wants to dole you out pocket money? Is he living in the 1950s? Your MIL saying that you have to move in with them and to not see your mum. WTF!!!

I think I would be steering well clear of them and tell your husband that if he disrespects your family again you will be out of there, his family are the ones who are weird and maybe you are obsessed with money because he is screwing you over. Get your finances in some sort of order as you definitely need a running away fund. Was he like this before you got married?

Before marriage he was a completely different person. He was so kind to me up until I got pregnant. Then it's like a switch flipped.

OP posts:
Heathers4evs · 23/02/2024 01:06

If you have your baby here, they will block you from leaving as they'll cla you're abducting the child and won't come back. If you split from him, he'll go for full custody - so his mother can raise the baby, and has a good chance of getting 50/50 once your baby is 2 or 3. If you don't split up, your MIL and husband will teach your child that you have no value.

You can go to another country and avoid this.

TMess · 23/02/2024 01:06

Well I came here ready to say we probably all shit talk our in-laws to our natal family a bit but your additional details are appalling. Please try to get out before your baby is born, OP. Are your parents able to buy you a ticket home if you can’t access your shared money?

Original poster
FairBlueStork · 23/02/2024 01:08

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/02/2024 00:57

You are absolutely insane if you stay in this relationship. It will be years and years of abuse. Get out now. Save your child from these monsters.

I'm scared that if I leave he will apply for 50/50 custody, if that happens, his mum will be the one taking care of our child, she will play mummy to him, and I know that when he is old enough to understand, she will talk ill of me in front of him, make up lies and try to push him away from me.

She has threatened that in the past. She said if I ever were to leave my husband, my son will grow up to side with him as he is stronger, and resent me.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 23/02/2024 01:09

I think you need to speak to women’s aid about getting out.