Rant - caught my husband speaking ill of my family to my in laws

[FairBlueStork]

Just a rant. I don't have anyone to vent to in real life. So I'm coming here.

My husband and I flew to see my family and stay with them for five days. It was his first time ever seeing them.

When we came back, it turned out he spoke ill of my family and my home with his mother.

He said that my family was fucked up.
He said my mum was a shit mum.
My dad was clueless and useless. Looks completely lost.
My brother lived like a dog - he is lazy, only wakes up to eat and goes back to bed, does nothing with his life.
That the house was so dirty it was disgusting.

They did nothing to him and nothing happened behind my back - he just said he felt frustrated with things and took it out on my family. My mum is not a shit mum. She just has a different relationship with me than he does with his mum.
They did everything to make him feel welcome. They paid for our flights, welcomed us in and paid for our taxis and every restaurants/outings when we went out, even when it was just my husband and I.

Now what makes things even worse is my MIL feels very comfortable speaking about my mom too. She doesn't know I know what they talked about.
She keeps insisting my mom doesn't come to our child's birth (I'm pregnant), that now that I'm married I need to leave my family behind and my main family are now my in laws and I know have another mum so there's no need for both of them to come see my child, alongside other weird remarks.

You really ought to leave the country and go back to your family. I'm not an expert but I expect any custody battle would go in your favour if the child is born in your home country and has a bond with your side of the family.

I don’t know the law, but if possible this sounds like the best idea.

We live an 10 hour drive away from his parents

Where? The same country or not?
How pregnant are you?

I would be considering a termination or booking into a women’s refuge-his family sound bizarre.

And if, as PP thinks, this was the MIL who took all the money given to you and H as wedding gifts, it sounds even more as if she and her family see you as a free cash machine.

I never say this but i would book the next flight to your home country, you need to move before the baby is born as they cant make you move back then. Money/work is irrelevant, you need to escape the abuse as no 1 priority.

Also i wouldnt reveal the country on here, you dont want them finding out your plans.

I was going to come on here and say we all slag off our inlaws, but this is horrific

I left this thread after scanning through, but I am so disturbed by your situation that I have come back to post. You are being financially and emotionally abused under the guise of cultural behaviours. You must get back some of your savings - your in-laws seem to regard the money as theirs and to be used to extend their house. You need to make plans to leave your husband. He has shown you his true self and this will not change. I doubt their expectations will change and, in fact, the longer you stay the harder it will become.

The posters who are mentioning abortion are also making a good point. How pregnant are you?

If you can still obtain an abortion, think very carefully. I know this is horrible to write. Truly. But better your freedom and no child to be used and abused by these people. They will do it. It won't just be you, it's the child who will enter into this dynamic.

They have told you in the clearest terms that they will manipulate this child away from your love and security to be their own. Do not ignore that. This is guaranteed suffering for the child and you. If the child is loyal to you it will be punished for that. Punished until it is loyal to these dysfunctional people. No child can beat a determined and cruel adult. Never.

This is your life. You have a lot of options. Abortion is one of them and you can be free to have a relationship and a child in the future with a good man.

OP this is terrifying.

You up and leave now. Today. Don't care how - empty the joint account right now and go to your family. Seriously.

Have the baby where your family is. You will not be able to move there once the baby is born. You'll be faced with a decision of staying in the same country as this toxic lot - and I can see them engineering a situation where H becomes resident parent and your child lives with MIL - just to be near your child, or leaving your child behind and going to your family for support. It makes my blood run cold.

If you go NOW, while pregnant, no one can stop you - and then the baby will be resident in the country where your family are. You will have legal protection to stop H taking them away. It will depend on the country and the laws there - are you comfortable saying what country your parents live in, and where you are now?

He's suckered you in by being nice, now he's married you and you're pregnant he thinks you're trapped and he can subject you to this awful verbal and financial abuse. It's only going to get worse when the baby is here.

@FairBlueStork this isn't love. It's control. He won't magically get better after baby arrives. He and the family will get much, much worse.

You should leave. Go to your family and have the baby there. Issue divorce proceedings from the safety of another country.

They're going to push you aside once the baby arrives and you won't get to be Mum for long.

Leave everything behind. Get your parents to book you a ticket home and just leave. Just a small bag of essentials. Just leave and start again - BEFORE you give birth.

Just go.

Oh god op. Can you call women’s aid? Talk through a plan to leave. I think you should talk to your parents about it too. This doesn’t sound like a situation that can be compromised or talked through. Your DH and his family are abusive.

Could you move back home to your parents before your child is born?

This is horrific- how in this day and age can anyone consider staying in a relationship like this? OP - get out now surely!

At your next midwife appointment you need to take the opportunity to tell them what is happening. They can make sure you get the help you clearly need as a result of being in an abusive relationship. It will likely only get worse so now is the best time to do it before it’s even harder. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Goodness me.

Please OP leave and go home to your family. Grab a suitcase, cram some clothes/shoes and your personal documents and get out. Go go go, cancel paying to the joint acc, take some of the money back ideally.

Take your money back out of joint account and leave him. Go back to your parents who love you.

You need to listen to the advice you are getting and leave asap. Please do not stay ! I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate either.

It's very sad but maybe it was a plan all along, or, he now feels like you and the baby are his property to treat as he wishes, neither are good. I hope you can stay strong and get out of this situation asap, don't worry about anything other than getting you both to safety. The rest will sort itself out in time (I keep telling myself the same!) They've shown their cards, sadly. Thinking of you, feel free to pm xx

Run, do not walk, away from this man. Giving the wife an allowance is a form of financial abuse.

You talked about flying to see your family and about having a home country.

Go home to your parents and have your baby there. He then has to move to you if he wants custody or access.

Check whether your home country and current country of residence are signatories to the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction. If they are, and you go home to give birth and stay at home, you have legal protections against him taking the child. But if you stay where you are to give birth, you won't be able to take the child home without his permission.

Oh sweetie please seek help, there's charities and support next works. They can't take your baby. Go to your mums x

Please leave. He will pretend to change. Then it's too late.

A girl I know, this happened, her son ended up calling MiL mummy and basically she was like a second class citizen to her own son. When she got kicked out - the father married a woman from his country and essentially she hasn't seen her son in 9 years. It's heartbreaking and your story made me feel sick with anxiety.

Do not put him on the birth certificate
Leave
And when you have left, say you cheated and it's not his baby. Block, delete their numbers. And move on. Your son will be fine. But you won't be if this carries on.

Hi and live with your family.
have the baby there and don’t put him on the birth certificate.
tell him nothing.
get away as far and as fast as you can.

Claiming cheating won't help if OP is in the UK. Here, the husband at time of birth or conception automatically has parental responsibility as the presumed father.

Definitely go home to your family this is very disturbing, get far away from this vile lot

Sorry if I've missed this, but how pregnant are you? Because depending on this my advice would be to terminate the pregnancy and then make a clean break and a fresh start away from these abusive, hideous people.