Rant - caught my husband speaking ill of my family to my in laws

[FairBlueStork]

Just a rant. I don't have anyone to vent to in real life. So I'm coming here.

My husband and I flew to see my family and stay with them for five days. It was his first time ever seeing them.

When we came back, it turned out he spoke ill of my family and my home with his mother.

He said that my family was fucked up.
He said my mum was a shit mum.
My dad was clueless and useless. Looks completely lost.
My brother lived like a dog - he is lazy, only wakes up to eat and goes back to bed, does nothing with his life.
That the house was so dirty it was disgusting.

They did nothing to him and nothing happened behind my back - he just said he felt frustrated with things and took it out on my family. My mum is not a shit mum. She just has a different relationship with me than he does with his mum.
They did everything to make him feel welcome. They paid for our flights, welcomed us in and paid for our taxis and every restaurants/outings when we went out, even when it was just my husband and I.

Now what makes things even worse is my MIL feels very comfortable speaking about my mom too. She doesn't know I know what they talked about.
She keeps insisting my mom doesn't come to our child's birth (I'm pregnant), that now that I'm married I need to leave my family behind and my main family are now my in laws and I know have another mum so there's no need for both of them to come see my child, alongside other weird remarks.

This.
Reading your posts is like watching a slow motion car crash.
Please wake up and get far away from these horrible abusive people before the baby is born.

Can you not arrange secretly to leave and return to your family? The life you have described with your H and IL’s sounds absolutely horrendous. Keep your passport somewhere very very safe. Leave well before your baby is born. Good luck.

Well I concur with all the posters who say leave. You are being set up here for total dependence and isolation. You will be cut off from your family; and of course this happens at the point where you will be relying on him.

Tell your family, get their support and get out. You can do it

Are you working? Does he have access to your passport? Get your money out of the joint account. Open your own account. Then tell him he is bonkers. Getting his slippers and massaging his feet?? I really hope this isn't real.

The fact he didn’t meet your family before you were married is a red flag in itself.

I would get out before the baby is born.

Please seek professional advice from women’s aid OP.

This will not get better. You need to make a plan to leave asap.

Go home to your family and have the baby there. If the child is born in a different country it will surely be harder for them to take the baby away. That is what they are planning. They are disposing of you . The behaviour they are currently displaying will get worse. Get out now while you still can and hurry!

Ps. You will be trapped if you wait until your baby is one and it will only be harder.

You must speak to Womens Aid and get out now.
Please.

Speak to your family, get a plan in place to leave

If you can, start gathering important things (passport, ID, Jewellery, cash, some bills with your name on, receipts for things you bought for the house) and store them safely out of the house. Take photos of things that are yours.

Arrange all of your wages to go into your own account if you can do that without your husband being suspicious

Speak to work confidentially and ask if they would consider starting your maternity leave early

Get on a plane to your family & have the baby there.

Forget the shared savings, the house, your stuff for now. You and the baby are what's important. You can deal with that later.

It is essential that you get hold of your passport and keep it somewhere very safe where no one from this family can get it.

TBH, I think you should leave now and go to your parents. Would they help pay for flights to get you home?

The other thing to watch is your husband becoming very charming as he was before. This is a bad sign as he will have noticed the change in you.

The only thing that really works with men like this to totally blindside them by taking the money, packing your bags and then leaving asap.

Do not negotiate. Do not "have a talk" and most importantly believe what you heard. That is the real person and the real motivation.

I would clear the account, get as much financial information as you can and disappear, ie get your ticket out and then communicate nothing. Change your phone and your phone number tpo.

You need to return to your home country while you are pregnant, give birth in your home country and stay there. He can't have 50/ 50 custody from a different country. If you give birth in the country where you are now then you'll be stuck there forever. You have a chance to be free of him and his family so I'd take it while you still have the chance

Get out as soon as you can. Write down everything about their behaviour/change when you became pregnant to support you if you have to fight for full custody.
They are totally out of order.

Run, op, run. Go back to your family ASAP. Stop worrying about custody because you will be too far away for 50/50 to be practicable.

Find your passport and keep it on your person. Get a flight ASAP. Go in just what you are wearing.

If, in a year or two, you meet someone else, please make sure you get to know both sides first and give it a few years before moving in or getting married.

In MNet flags we aren't seeing a few red flags here. There's enough bunting to festoon a large county.

This.
Extrene, I know, but possibly your best option.

I hope you have stopped paying anything into a joint account, and have taken half out?

This is awful OP. If you explain the situation to your family will they support you? Hopefully they will if you tell them what he said about them.

You really ought to leave the country and go back to your family. I'm not an expert but I expect any custody battle would go in your favour if the child is born in your home country and has a bond with your side of the family.

What an awful situation to be in while pregnant. You will need to be the strongest you have ever been but my god it will be worth it! If you stay with him for the birth you will end up more trapped than ever. Please please get out now.

Which countries are involved?

This is such a good post.

Honestly I got the chills reading what the OP wrote.

I really hope she takes this advice.

Are you the poster whose mother in law took all of the cash given in wedding gifts.? Either way, if you are or not you need to get away from them all and soon. Please listen to the advice to call Womens Aid. How far pregnant are you?
If you have access to your joint account then take back what you consider is yours. But only do this if you are sure there will be no physical repercussions for you. I mean domestic violence.
Do not move in with the in laws.
His mother can’t stop your family from seeing you.

What country are you in?

And do you have residency in your parents country?

Ring womens aid, he's abusive. Get far far far away from him before the baby is born.

Oh god, this gets worse and worse. I thought it was just nasty ILs, which can be dealt with. But your husband’s attitudes are mediaeval. ‘Pocket money’ indeed!

I’m sorry, but I can’t really see how this can be improved while you stay married to him. Someone with his attitude to women is never going to see you as equal loving partners. And your DC would be brought up with the same expectations.

You should have access to your joint account, so please remove what you put in and set up your own savings account. Then think what to do for yourself and your child.

Best of luck, OP.

If it is still early enough I would consider an abortion.

Otherwise I would try to move home. They sound dangerous and I would try to cut all ties with them.