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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rant - caught my husband speaking ill of my family to my in laws

106 replies

FairBlueStork · 22/02/2024 23:35

Just a rant. I don't have anyone to vent to in real life. So I'm coming here.

My husband and I flew to see my family and stay with them for five days. It was his first time ever seeing them.

When we came back, it turned out he spoke ill of my family and my home with his mother.

He said that my family was fucked up.
He said my mum was a shit mum.
My dad was clueless and useless. Looks completely lost.
My brother lived like a dog - he is lazy, only wakes up to eat and goes back to bed, does nothing with his life.
That the house was so dirty it was disgusting.

They did nothing to him and nothing happened behind my back - he just said he felt frustrated with things and took it out on my family. My mum is not a shit mum. She just has a different relationship with me than he does with his mum.
They did everything to make him feel welcome. They paid for our flights, welcomed us in and paid for our taxis and every restaurants/outings when we went out, even when it was just my husband and I.

Now what makes things even worse is my MIL feels very comfortable speaking about my mom too. She doesn't know I know what they talked about.
She keeps insisting my mom doesn't come to our child's birth (I'm pregnant), that now that I'm married I need to leave my family behind and my main family are now my in laws and I know have another mum so there's no need for both of them to come see my child, alongside other weird remarks.

OP posts:
Catoo · 23/02/2024 01:16

He can’t have 50:50 if you go home and have baby there.

I think this is your only realistic option to avoid years of abuse by them all.

Ywudu · 23/02/2024 01:21

Depending on what country you are from and what their laws are I would be doing everything possible to get back to my family before the baby is born. Can your family buy you a ticket and you can leave when he goes to work?
Forget the money he has of yours and protective your self and unborn child.

Throwawayme · 23/02/2024 01:30

He's vile and him and his family sound so abusive. Just leave before you have the baby. Ask your mum and dad to help you get to where they are and have the baby there. If you have a child around them it will get worse.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 23/02/2024 02:19

Your situation sounds horrendous - please seek help from Women's Aid - discreetly, don't let him or the in-laws know! And get your parents to send you a ticket home immediately. Have them send it to a trusted friend or the Woman's Aid office.

Guavafish1 · 23/02/2024 02:31

Sounds terrible. What is your cultural background?

StepIntoMyOffice · 23/02/2024 03:24

You need to get professional advice and support to put a plan in place to get out of this situation OP. Your husband and in-laws are abusing you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2024 05:25

You need to be in your home country (UK?) for the birth and not leave. Forget the money for now however hard that is. The security and bond of your unborn baby is the only important thing right now. Just go now and don’t look back. Please.

Fraaahnces · 23/02/2024 05:51

I think you need to tell your family that he is abusive and see if they will pay for a ticket for you to go home.

heartbroken22 · 23/02/2024 05:54

I'd leave. I wouldn't let them have custody because of how toxic they are. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's all mind games and control. Log eveyrthibg they've done to you. It's psychotic. Pack ur bags and leave. Move ur money back into ur account. It's your money. He's a mummy's boy. Often the youngest boy in Asian families has issues. They're abusive.

A lot of women get abused or it heightens up when pregnant or after birth. It's when we're our most vulnerable.

heartbroken22 · 23/02/2024 06:01

Also to add his mum can't look after your child. She's he's grand not his mother or father. Are u in the uk? What's ur home country? You still have rights in the uk. This is abuse. Call womens aid

heartbroken22 · 23/02/2024 06:05

Your mil sounds so manipulative. Say women have rights here and what she is doing so control and manipulation. If anyone finds out she'll be arrested and questioned. We don't tolerate abuse anymore and take abuse against women very seriously.

pinkpale · 23/02/2024 06:12

Which country do you live in, OP?
Your story is so sad. You need to leave. Your husband and his family are abusing and controlling you.
There is nothing good to be gained by staying with DH.
Escape now.

heartbroken22 · 23/02/2024 06:13

Basically his brother think you should be providing for his brother and you. Whereas his brother keeps all his money to spend on whatever he likes like some spoilt kid.

Don't share any money for the deposit or house if they're using it for an extension.

Why can't he kiss his mother and give her massages himself.

She's insanely abusive and inappropriate. Who talks about pubes to their adult sons? Tell her she shits all over the toilet and doesn't flush in a polite way to shut her up.
I'd just pack my bags and leave. They're insane, backwards and ignorant.

mollyfolk · 23/02/2024 06:27

Please get some advice on whether you could have the baby at home - and legally where would that leave you custody wise. Your being controlled financially and abused emotionally and it may only get worse after the baby is born. His family sound nuts.

There are organisations specifically for Asian women who are being abused who might be more familiar with your specific situation
https://www.asianwomencentre.org.uk/services/are-you-a-woman-being-abused

Not sure if you are in the UK or from the UK

Are You a Woman Being Abused? | AWRC | Women's services Brent | Welfare advice Brent | Women's services Brent

https://www.asianwomencentre.org.uk/services/are-you-a-woman-being-abused

FeckinKnackered · 23/02/2024 06:31

Good luck going from your updates it sounds like you need to make a move right away.

ChaToilLeam · 23/02/2024 06:31

They are all abusive OP. Please, seek help
from a women’s aid organisation and get away. The time to do it is now before the baby arrives.

Newnamehiwhodis · 23/02/2024 06:35

This is horrible. I hope you can get away.
his parents can’t take your child - rest easy on that score. She’s just trying to scare you and keep you compliant.

run!

PheobeBebe · 23/02/2024 06:40

This just gets worse and worse. OP please run, this is horrendous! You are only 10 months into your marriage, think of how things will be in 5 years and how much harder it will be to leave then - it has to be now. Go to your parents, give birth there then it will be difficult for him to get custody if he's living in a different country and you will get the support you need. You know they are using you as some kind of handmaid's tale / slave hybrid, it isn't a marriage

philosoppee · 23/02/2024 06:50

I feel so sad and sorry for you dealing with this. You can change everything around by withdrawing the money that is yours and leaving him, flying straight back to the country your family lives in. Your child can be born there and he can't come and remove your child. I'm so sorry, what a stressful situation.

Liliana2323 · 23/02/2024 07:09

I've been in a relationship for 18 years (married for 8) to a financially controlling husband, have lost all financial independence and freedom, also dignity and self-confidence, I would serious advise you to get out of this situation now as it won't improve. Soon you'll be less able to work and he'll have even more control. His parents sound of a similiar ilk! Go back to your family if you would feel more loved and respected there. If not, there are other options but don't end up like me!

youmustrememberthis · 23/02/2024 07:12

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/02/2024 00:57

You are absolutely insane if you stay in this relationship. It will be years and years of abuse. Get out now. Save your child from these monsters.

This completely

Epidote · 23/02/2024 07:16

He is taking the piss with the money. He may not like your family (he doesn't have to like them) however speak like that and make plans behind your back is another red flag. Two red flags in one post OP. I think the no nice people is not in your family but in his.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 23/02/2024 07:20

Run. Run from your husband and his family and do not look back.

Zanatdy · 23/02/2024 07:28

It sounds like what happened to my ex SIL when she married - only her husband was supportive and they eventually stopped speaking to the MIL. She wanted feet massages and for her DIL to kiss her feet (also south Asian). Eventually they left and didn’t speak for 10yrs. Thankfully for her, her husband was on her side and isn’t controlling with money at all and they are very happily married. This situation will only get worse and I agree with everyone else the best thing would be for you to go back to your family. Life with his family sounds controlling and miserable. Take care

user1984778379202 · 23/02/2024 07:32

I rarely advocate for the nuclear option but I would leave him now, leave his name off the birth certificate and tell him I'd had an affair and the baby was someone else's. If he and his family are true to form, they'll be so disgusted they'll disown you both and you'll be free of them all to raise your son as you see fit.