Is this financial abuse

[Liliana2323]

Hi, ill try to summarise as it's a long, 18yr story!

• met when I was 22, hubby was 30
• I had no assets, he had 2 rental properties
• he got made redundant and suggested a move to Europe, I gave up my career and followed him
• have both worked online for the last 15yrs
• he bought house we're in outright. Not a million pound villa but a 200k huge renovation project. Both funded the renovations, he has done a lot of physical work on and off over the last 10 years
• married with a prenup for his rental properties and the one we're living in
• I started new business 7yrs ago, doing well
• he hasn't worked for 18 months so far, nor done renovations (until a couple of weeks ago)
• house still needs a lot of work, still dont even have 1 fully functioning bathroom!

So the main issue here is that he is quite financially controlling. We use his personal account for day to day bills and expenses, or my business card. my business dividends goes 50/50 to our personal accounts (as he set himself up as a 50% shareholder), then I have to immediately transfer mine to his account. If I go to the supermarket (rare, as he took over that role), or away for a family visit in the UK (twice a year max), he gives me a spare card in his name. He has a couple of loans we effectively both pay + savings, pension, investments and the 2 cars are both in his name.

This arrangement never felt quite right but whenever ive tried in the past to broach the subject it turns nasty and nothing ever changes, despite promises to have a joint account, him to invest money for me, me to have a pension etc it never happens.

It has come to a head for me really as we're 5 months pregnant with a first, long awaited baby. For the first 4 months he didn't seem interested at all, in fact he was quite difficult to be around and we had a lot of arguments with him saying quite horrific things about me/us. I felt terrible, had to sleep on an ancient mattress in the spare room (he snores) and generally uncared for and unsupported. Since Christmas he has in general been quite nice, despite a couple of nasty arguments.

I am thinking of whether to leave or not because i'm panicking about the future, whether we'll stay together, will I end up a single mum in a foreign country with an unfair custody situation and struggling to make ends meet, or should I go back to the UK and my family and friends. If I stayed abroad and we then divorced, I wouldn't be allowed to move back to the UK with my baby, unless he agreed.

I suppose i'm just wondering if this is really classed as financial abuse? Or just a stupid situation which has developed over the years, unintentionally?

I think i'm a bit of a pushover with him and I hate conflict. He's quite loud and aggressive so I have avoided the issue but enough is enough now, with a baby and our future to consider. I tried to talk about my concerns a few nights ago, he shouted a lot, told me he paid for this house and I should be grateful etc but nothing has changed since financially.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

[DustyLee123]

I’d say you need to move back, but don’t tell him that, come home for a visit and don’t go back

[Liliana2323]

Thank you so much for the quick reply. I have everything in place to quickly exit next week when he's out (even with my dog and 2 of my horses who he won't want to look after) but it's quite scary. It won't be easy and i'll have to borrow money from my mum and dad and staying with them in order to do this as i'm effectively penniless. I cant even take dividends or a salary from my business as he is the only one with full access to my business account 🙈 I suppose I just can't risk things getting worse when the baby is born and being stuck

[BoyMom24]

Yes 100 percent financial abuse and probably controlling and coercive behaviour. Do you really want to bring a baby into that,? I say come back to the UK for a "visit" and just don't return.. if you have family and friends that will help you even better.. I mean I know it's not ideal but the local council, women's aid, job centre, citizens advice. Take all the help you can get. When the tim comes send him an email or something and say you won't be returning. Or even better say nothing.

[AutumnFroglets]

Go before the baby is born. The sooner the better as you don't know when the airline will refuse to take you. If he changes and tries to fix your marriage afterwards that's fine, but do it from a position of strength where the baby is concerned.

Do you really want to risk never being able to leave?

[Needanewnamebeingwatched]

If you have no money and no access to money, then you have nothing to lose.

Come home and stay here

You can fight for your rights back here

[Liliana2323]

Thanks! I have been really stressed out trying to work out if i'm being silly and if what he's doing is ok or not. I was back in the UK last week and wanted to stay but needed to come back to move me and my animals when he goes out for day. Whilst I was away and since I returned he's been really nice of course, apart from when pushed on finances. It really hit home though when I found out for certain that I can't even extend my overdraft, let alone get a mortgage or rent, even with a decent business as I have no credit rating at the age of 40!

[Garlicnaan]

Sorry OP but this is awful to read and definitely financial abuse and then some.

What would happen if you didn't transfer the 50% income from your own business? Or opened a secret account and transferred it into that?

Please get away while you can. My guess is that his behaviors will deteriorate massively once baby is here if you stay.

[LauderSyme]

So you don't benefit financially at all, apart from having a roof over your head, from your own business? Do the prenups mean you can't claim any share of any of the properties in the event of divorce?

It all sounds awful. It's not love, it's exploitation. Get away from him or he will also use your baby to control you.

[Liliana2323]

No, sadly you're right, I can't save anything as he claims there isn't any spare (he's not working, nor actively looking which doesn't help) although there is a decent amount coming in!

The prenups mean that if we divorced in Europe he would get half my business (!), I would see nothing of his UK property (despite having helped to pay them off fir 18 years) and I would get 50% equity growth in the house we live in, which wouldn't be enough to buy even a small flat. Plus I can't get a mortgage as no credit history. If I divorced in the UK the courts would probably make some provision for me to keep my business and have more help towards having a roof over our heads. It's really sad after all these years and I feel I should try harder to sort it but time and energy are not on my side!

[Newnamehiwhodis]

Just count this as a lesson in maintaining your freedom at all costs- a lesson that could be far, far worse, and get out. Get out even if you get out with nothing but your sweet animals. (And thank goodness you can take them.)

you will be ok. You will be better than ok - you won’t have someone controlling the income from work you do. And you’ll get work - don’t be afraid, just go.
and don’t let him sweet talk you under his control, ever again.

this is coming from someone who ran across the country during the pandemic, and got away - made it to my parents house with my two cats. I had severe ptsd and have taken time to heal, but life is so GOOD now, and getting better.

i got a job I love, and I’m going back to school to train further. I have hope, I have a lovely home, and I have peace and freedom - I can spend my time and my money however I choose to.

hold that vision in your head, and run!

[Liliana2323]

Thanks for your reply. Oh there's no way I couldn't transfer 50% of my business income. All hell would break loose as he feels it's part of the communal pot. Im hounded until it's transferred. So I can't save anything more than approx 300-400 hundred a year which he allows me to have from time to time (I usually use it for clothes or something the horses need). He's not really a bad man, just seems to want total control. He is very money-oriented. Keeps telling me what we can buy when he's done well on crypto but at the same time the house which should have taken max 5 years isn't finished at 10 lol About 17 years ago I got into 3k of debt trying to keep up with his lifestyle when we met (which I paid off before we moved to Europe by being very tight for 6 months) and he uses that as an excuse in his mind I think to say i'm bad with money and to justify his actions. He also promised we would buy certain things if I earned enough, that we'd finish the house quicker, that we'd get a cleaner, but none have happened after many years of me slogging away! He's often out at the pub, or doing his hobbies, frequent trips to the UK. I just feel resentment and frustration it's affecting all areas of our relationship sadly

[Liliana2323]

Thank you and well done! The feeling of freedom must be incredible! I'm so glad you got to keep your cats. I'm not able to take my cat, at least not until I get my own place. I'm having to leave a horse and 2 donkeys, and hope I can eventually send them over but I can't ask to borrow any more money to bring them all for now 😥

I suppose ive stuck it out as it's drummed into us that marriage is for life but this situation isn't healthy. I wake up every morning feeling anxious and really sad and have done for a long time. Things seemed better just before we did the embryo transfer but sadly it hasn't lasted.

[Arewethebadguys]

Omg this is absolutely awful. You sound strong OP. Put your plan into action ASAP and stay away from him. Good luck!

[Gillypie23]

Hes not a nice man. He's controlling you financially. Good people don't do that. Go back to the UK for your baby's sake

[Liliana2323]

Thanks. I'm in this habit of making excuses for him and trying to blame myself. It's particularly hard as he's been extra nice recently, finishing the bathroom (it was started over 2 years ago 😅) and talking about the future. Just now he said he's going to try to call Natwest again about a joint account etc. Will it ever happen?! I feel bad thinking of leaving when he's trying to improve things but I asked him to over a year ago

[MariaLuna]

I have been really stressed out trying to work out if i'm being silly and if what he's doing is ok or not.

Oh sweetheart, he's really done a number on you hasn't he?

I read your opening post and skim-read the rest. He sounds absolutely awful!

Please return to UK now while pregnant - and what a PP said, do it in time because over a certain number of months the airlines won't accept you.

The sooner you do it the better because you'll have time to sort and get settled before the baby's arrival.

And take it from me, being a solo mum is so much easier - though hard - than having a toxic man around. I speak from experience.
Would be awful for your child too to grow up in such an environment.

You sound lovely, and you can do it! I wouldn't even put him on the birth certificate.
He can really manipulate you then.

And please see a lawyer, solicitor about the financial stuff.

Detach from him emotionally and get on with the practical stuff.

[IsawwhatIsaw]

@Newnamehiwhodis

Just count this as a lesson in maintaining your freedom at all costs- a lesson that could be far, far worse, and get out. Get out even if you get out with nothing but your sweet animals. (And thank goodness you can take them.)

you will be ok. You will be better than ok - you won’t have someone controlling the income from work you do. And you’ll get work - don’t be afraid, just go.
and don’t let him sweet talk you under his control, ever again.

this is coming from someone who ran across the country during the pandemic, and got away - made it to my parents house with my two cats. I had severe ptsd and have taken time to heal, but life is so GOOD now, and getting better.

i got a job I love, and I’m going back to school to train further. I have hope, I have a lovely home, and I have peace and freedom - I can spend my time and my money however I choose to.

hold that vision in your head, and run!

What a nice positive helpful post

[AhNowTed]

This is terrible OP, and absolutely financial abuse.

After 18 years you don't even have your own debit card, and he controls your business account.

How on earth are you expected to finance maternity leave.

This isn't love, or respect. It's control and nothing else.

I would absolutely leave now. Once the baby arrives he's not going to miraculously morph into a decent man.

[Pumpkinpie1]

Wow OP you knew the answer before you asked. Yes you are being abused manipulated by this man.
A child will make it worse. Leave whilst your pregnant OP
He sounds awful

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Liliana

Your marriage to him is well and truly over because of the abuse he metes out to you. Remember always that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Words are cheap, its actions that count here and I would put a crisp fiver on it he will never call the bank. Do not be suckered in by his words and promises of action; that is how he has got you to stay till now. He is truly a master manipulator and he has played you like a violin.

He has likely sensed you now want out so is being extra nice. This is also the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse he shows you and that cycle too is a continuous one. That will soon end and he will revert to type.

Leave indeed whilst you are pg.

[Fannyfiggs]

Oh OP I wish you all the luck in the world getting back home asap.

Can someone else take your other animals until you can get them back to the UK?

Keep posting for support, there are amazing women on here with great advice. We can all support you from a distance ❤️

[andHelenknowsimmiserablenow]

Get back to the UK before the baby is born @Liliana2323 and make sure your baby is born here.
Please come back to the thread when you are settled and OK.
If your DP makes frequent trips to the UK you can still co-parent effectively while having the financial independence you deserve.
Good luck with everything.

[Liliana2323]

Thanks for your comments! Well I do have a debit card for my old bank account but all there is in there is a few hundred my nan kindly gave me last year.

He seems to think he's doing us both a favour by controlling everything but it's just helping him. He has said a few times that he doesn't know what i'm worried about because i'll be fine financially if we stay together. Not sure if he can actually hear himself ?! Or if he thinks it's normal. It wouldn't be quite so bad if I hadn't worked so hard for years on my business and instead I was a kept woman with lots of money to spend freely and a nice house, not a building site 😅 but instead I work hard, have no money, he chooses what gets done on the house and when and holds all the cards, literally! Gosh just reading back makes it seem so ridiculous

[Epidote]

Prenup for his two rental sounds ok to me. The rest I would think is financial abuse at a big level.

[Liliana2323]

@Epidote just figured out im supposed to tag ooops!

What do you think about the house we're living in? He bought it outright (not for a huge sum) and I get 50% equity growth which isn't much as we're living in rural Europe. I'm really struggling to judge how bad this really is. I also feel bad as maybe if he knew truly what was at stake, he might change his behaviour but I can't tell him as my plans will be scuppered