What do you do when you have suspicions about your adult child's partner?

[womworried]

What would you do if you had suspicions (only suspicions) about your dd's partner? They have a young child together and have lived together for about two years. There's always been something about him that seems off even though he is very charming and hard-working. My mother when she first met him said that she was concerned he might be a control freak. I was concerned about that for a while but now I'm worried about something else. I wonder if he might be cottaging.

I think you don’t like him and you’re clutching at straws.

To answer your question, what can you do? Nothing.

I worked with a gay guy who showed me sites online where people were saying things like, "I'm in the M&S toilets in (city - address given) - I'm in the end cubicle. Knock if you want a blow job." That sort of thing. There were literally tons of these messages that had been written in the last couple of days. My eyes were nearly out of my head! It made me think of the bath houses in New York in the 70s and 80s where men would have a cubicle and bend over and not even see the face of the guys who would have sex with them. That anonymity was a big part of the kick.

Do you have any other suspicions, OP? If he was doing this he'd definitely be on the dating apps.

Maybe he was taking a woman into the mens, or following a woman into the ladies. So many possibilities...

I was certain that was a typo for controlling.

Why don't you set up a Grindr account and see if he's on there?

I think you have seen something suspicious and your mind is filling in the blanks.
I suggest you may be partially correct but missing the vital evidence to establish what this behaviour means for certain.
Sex, money and power are possible motivators in most dodgy activities, after all.
Is he perhaps a police informer or conducting some other covert activity?

Probably just the relief that last night's curry finally made a reappearance

I don't know why everyone finds this so unbelievable in the online Grindr era, but it's not impossible, you just don't have much to go on. I also think men don't stand round chatting in loos and if they bumped into a friend they would go out and chat to them with your dd there. All very odd, I agree, but not enough to hold on at this point.

There are also dogging sites which you google, which I found out after I mistakenly pulled into a lay by in the middle of the afternoon and was approached! Some people live much more exciting lives than your average mumsnetter.

Why not ask him directly instead of harbouring these sly and unsubstantiated opinions about him?

"Dave, I couldn't help but notice when you went to the bogs you were in there for quite some time and when you came out you were wiping your chin! Something you want to tell us?'

See how that goes down.

Blatant placemark.

Whilst I am definitely not in denial about cottaging, and he may very well chose to do that..in his spare time. He'd be a little sadistic to crack on whilst his wife is sat eating a few metres away? I think your suspicions are a little off here.

😂😂😂

That's what I thought too. I got the vibe from looking at the other guy's smirk that maybe he had something on DD's partner, maybe it had been something related to drugs. DD's partner doesn't do drugs.

He'd be a little sadistic to crack on whilst his wife is sat eating a few metres away?

That might be part of the kick for him.

As a PP informed us, there are apps where people can offer sex right there and then.

Watch and wait OP, and gather what information you can. My main worry, aside from the emotional harm, would by my daughter's sexual health.

Me too

I am very worried and there's absolutely nothing I can do.

I won't reveal on here what has caused me to post this today but something specific related to std symptoms. I just have to sit it out and wait, and hope that I'm way off the mark, I can't talk to anyone in real life about it.

I think OP and her mother dislike this man and have bitchy conversations between them making up excuses to tear him down.

So, in the course of this thread the guy has gone from cottager to police informant to drug dealer. Can't wait for the next instalment.

I’d strongly advise you really not to talk to anyone. Seriously.

Could he be working for Putin?

@womworried If you can take his boxers from the washing basket and also manage to get one of your daughter's hairs with root attached, then can all be sent to a lab from dna testing. they will be able to tell how many types of dna are in the boxers and if there is more than one and the one is not your daughters then you have your answer!

Of course they might be doing drugs...!

Well I dunno. I'd assume coke before cock...🤷🏻‍♀️

Seriously OP! 🤣

If I was being suspicious I think drugs would be the first conclusion, most likely cocaine, as that is exactly what a lot of men do in toilets - especially hard working, high-flying charmers. However, the drip feed of your DD having or knowing about his sti doesn't make it as far fetched towards that. People can also be more promiscuous when drug-taking though and he could equally pick up sti's from females.
What makes you so sure her partner doesn't take drugs? People hide it?

Some do, some don't. I would also not class a restaurant or pub toilet as 'public' in the same way as say a toilet at a station or similar.