DD wants to cut ties-Says her childhood was toxic

[SadandStressed3]

This is long, so my apologies.
I’m in a horrible, stressful situation with my 19yr old daughter. Basically, she feels that she had a very unhappy childhood and now doesn’t want to have a relationship with us (apart from us continuing to support her at university and keep her during holidays from university 🙄) She does not keep in touch whilst away and when home, spends the entire time in her room. I’m just going to give a brief overview so as not to drip feed.

She is the eldest of 3 with a 5yr gap and essentially says she feels like we ruined her life by having the younger two. Apparently this meant no time for her and less holidays. She said she had to listen to us saying we couldn’t do stuff because of money but yet we chose to have the younger kids. She said it was toxic due to arguments and stress. There was an awful 2yrs after the youngest was born where I had hideous PND but still had to try and cope as we have zero extended family and DH was working away through the week. There’s 18mths between the younger 2 so DD would have been 7-9yrs during this time.
When she was Y5 we put her in for grammar entrance (she’s exceptionally able academically) She passed and went to an all girls grammar. She hated it and we let her move to the comprehensive for Y8. She hated that too but still came out with 4 top A’levels.
There has been lots of teen drama and she was under CAMHS for a year. This was counselling and I was called in for the last 10mins of each session to be told how awful I always made her feel. How she was belittled and unloved and how the younger two were treated more favourably and how I gaslit her. She complains that the younger two have more relaxed rules on bedtime and internet use (probably marginally true but not by a significant amount) She’s also very angry that family holidays can now be more teen focused whereas when she was their age, we had to accommodate younger kids. To me this is all just what happens when you’re the eldest. Every year, I’ve made sure her and I had a weekend away just us. I’ve also taken her shopping for clothes and when she was 14, we completely redid her bedroom allowing her to choose and putting in a make up desk etc. If anything, she’s probably been over indulged a little.

It breaks my heart that she refuses all contact when away and lives by this narrative of having had a toxic childhood. I work in child safeguarding and thus deal with kids daily who really have experienced toxic situations and it frustrates me and upsets me so much to hear DD say such things. Half of me wants to support her and acknowledge, as I have tried to, that there was a very difficult period when her siblings were young and the other half wants to tell her to stop wallowing in self indulgent MC bullshit. Obviously the latter isn’t ideal and I do push that away. As things stand, she’ll finish next year and we’ll never hear from her again and I’m desperate to sort this out beforehand. Well done if you’ve got this far. Any advice is very welcome.

Jesus this thread 🙄
Teenagers are tough OP.

@piscesangel so you think the daughter is selfish because she wants to cut contact? Do you understand what needs to happen in order for a child wanting to cut contact with an apparently loving parent after a 'reasonably happy' childhood? Why would anyone give up such kind of relationship? Do you think it is very easy to walk away from your family? If so, what makes you think that?

Some of the replies on this thread are just beyond belief in their unwarranted assumptions and unkindness.

I hope you're okay OP

OP has zero interest in them it appears.

How can you possibly have come to that conclusion from a few posts on the internet?

I think mostly it’s a load of self-indulgent twaddle from vaguely spoilt young people, who have never really had to make their own way in life, and when they find life is hard and they don’t feel cut out for it, they invent reasons for why they must feel this way, conveniently absolving themselves of all responsibility

@Turkeyhen I agree.
With seemingly no experience of bringing up difficult teens.

OH ignore this. PND my husbands mother had it after third child, she was sectioned for a time. My FIL got in some help with housework and cracked on. When she eventually came home her sister helped out with the children for a long time. My husband and his brother never blamed or accused her of letting them down.

Some of you are just gleefully sticking the boot in now. So now the OP doesn't care about her other kids either? Now she's to blame for getting PND?

Fuck me, there are some nasty, damaged people on this site. Red flags a-plenty but not from the OP.

My other children are good, thank you. They’re both thriving at school and seem happy. Both struggle to understand their sister and one actively dislikes when she’s home. I have explained that DD is struggling and needs love and support. One takes that in his stride but then he’s a very content, happy go lucky lad whose glass is always half full. The irony being that he was the youngest and was probably the one who was slightly neglected (just held and fed) whilst I was ill. The other gets cross and fights with DD constantly. Tells her she takes up all my time (she doesn’t and I’ve correctly that but it’s their perception so I guess as valid as her opposing perception)

We obviously have some teen drama with them too and the occasional door slamming etc but it seems less extreme and certainly their friendships seem less precarious and more solid. They get cross, sometimes shout and huff and puff but never suggest their childhood has been toxic. But as she’s 5yrs older, her truth is her truth however much it upsets me that she feels that way.

Goodness what a difficult scenario.
It does sound like she might be neurodivergent.
I know knee jerk is to say ok then off on your own you go but that will burn bridges forever.
If she’s happy at University and you are currently topping loan to full amount I’d be inclined to be bigger person and say you will pay the expected contribution.
I’d ask her plans for holidays. If she doesn’t feel home is for her I’d say she’s always welcome but you understand if she wants to stay in uni town and work or travel.
Is there a trusted adult who could speak to her eg godmother or auntie.

And yet you have other posters who think that the dd SAYS she wants to cut contact but actually doesn’t want to so the last thing the OP should do is to tell her ‘OK, I get you’ve been really hurt and you’d prefer to cut contact. So we will do that’.

So which one is it?
So hurt that she doesn’t want to see her parents ever again?
The ‘I want to cut contact’ is a shout for help? And actually her childhood wasn’t so awful that there is no way she’ll want to see them ever again.

Or maybe it is
I have been hurt and some stuff weren’t right to me but I also get that some expectations were unreasonable? (a fair comment btw. I’m sure we all have stories of times when we felt put out/hurt and can see, as adults, that this was not a reasonable reaction)

No, I think she is threatening to cut contact (but not finances?), which is a different thing from actually doing it. Yes I do think it's selfish to make that threat. No I don't think it's easy to walk away from your family at all, but I do think some people struggle to see past their own feelings and to take into account the feelings of others and the circumstances that might underly things that have happened - the OP hasn't mentioned her daughter's sympathy or acknowledgement of the difficulty she must have faced having a serious mental health condition while often in sole charge of three small children - I suspect that is because the now-adult DD has offered no such thoughts.

OP, this is where you're going wrong. She doesn't need extra love and support, she needs a firm talking to about how entitled she is and her privileges taken away.

Also "her truth" is not THE truth. There is only one truth and she doesn't get to redefine reality.

What strikes me on this thread is the fact that many posters are quick to tell the OP she is and was an awful mother.
But not many actually have some solutions to propose….

I’m actually sat here in tears at some of these posts. I may well be in the wrong. I may well have not done everything as I could have. But she was never emotionally neglected or badly treated. My other 2 kids are thriving. No issues whatsoever. One tries with their sister, the other is driven mad by her and keeps their distance. When she’s home I constantly try to engineer or encourage their relationship whilst staying at arms length myself. I have never, ever bad mouthed her to her siblings. I love all my children equally.

@SadandStressed3 how is the relationship between your dd and her dad?

To those saying anyone disagreeing with OP is just being unkind, bear in mind that we are the perspective from the other side and having to read post after post like this. OP said she wanted to fix her relationship with her DD so perspectives from the other side would presumably be helpful even if they can be painful to read. Seek first to understand then to be understood. Maybe I am projecting onto OP - but I can definitely see signs of invalidation and dismissiveness in the reporting of her daughter's concerns.

I understand you, OP. I saw it all as a younger sibling in my own life. I saw what my parents went through. Please don't cry.

It’s really depressing to see some of the worst misogynists are women.

I really feel for you OP. I don’t think this thread has been helpful for you at all, either if the situation is accurate by your daughter’s account or yours.

I’d leave and get some real life professional support.

I few thoughts on this situation. I had an emotionally abusive parent so not coming from a viewpoint of ignorance.

1. Tell her you did the best you could as a parent and you are sorry that wasn't good enough for her. No sarcasm behind it, just an admission that some people's "best" may not be "good" in the perception of others. And that you can't change the past only the future.

2. keep supporting her at Uni. The long earnings potential from good performance will impact the living standards any possible future grandchildren. You want them to have the best foundation in life irrespective of the relationship you and your DD have.

3. tell her you do not want the negativity between you to be projected onto the relationship she has with her younger siblings. Even after leaving home 25 years ago my older sister still takes it out on me because she believes I was the favoured child. I don't bother much to have a relationship with her as a result. It's not my fault even it were true.

Hugs and good luck

@OverTheBridges i use the term, ‘her truth’ because that’s the term that CAMHS asked me to use to validate her feelings. There’s no mockery.

@Surfapparel sharing your experience from the other side is quite different than putting the OP down and telling her she is awful person - aka personal attacks.

Reducing someone to tears isn’t going to help her heal that relationship. Nor is it going to help the dd. Regardless of how you feel, your experience has been or what you think people should read between the lines.

I agree. If you want to 'sort this out' you have to stop thinking about whether her feelings are justified or not. They clearly are to her, and unless she's showing signs of a personality disorder then something will be at the centre of them.

The only way you can move forward is to listen to what she says, look your failures in the eye (however much mitigation you feel there is, however difficult a childhood you yourself had, whatever her own role etc etc), acknowledge them as having done damage, and apologise. And mean it.

There's no other beginning to this process, and it will likely be a long one with no quick fixes.

I just posted this on another very similar thread:

"I think you should have some proper therapy yourself (psychotherapist, not a counsellor) to reflect. Therapy is often about coming to terms with the impact we've had on others, as well as the ways in which others have damaged us. Being able to separate those two things is a critical part of repairing our relationships - to be able to say 'I know what I did affected you deeply and caused pain and damage' without trying to defend oneself or even 'put it in context' is so important.

If you can't afford any therapy you could still approach her with an apology and ask her if she will talk about it with you sometime - but practice not responding with an excuse or a mitigation, whatever she says back to you.

As a mother, she will probably have to go through the same process at some point - we all should, really. It's a long chain of impact and there's no way out of it - we just have to acknowledge what we have done, and try and look it in the eye without flinching, attacking, or running away. I promise you it feels much better that way."

Thread is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5012756-daughter-still-hurt-over-childhood?page=2&reply=133206723