Newly divorced and wish to relocate with DC

[PenelopeTHur]

I have been offered an an amazing job opportunity in an amazing country, think once in a lifetime holidays etc. The job will give my two DC free places in a very prestigious private school. The caveat: I am divorced from their father. They see him a couple of times a week with no overnights. This job opportunity provides housing, healthcare and annual return flights. Pre divorce ex and I talked passionately about doing the above with our children but due to his infidelity, our marriage hasn’t lasted. Should my children miss out?
I’m proposing they see him every holiday and he would be welcome to visit whenever he wished.

Or they could remain here and see you at the hols? Why no overnights just now?

They could, but really I would be taking this job for a better lifestyle for them. Ex doesn’t wish to do overnights as he travels for work.

It doesn’t matter what we think what does your ex think have you asked? You will need his permission

You just need to get him to agree. If he does then great. If not. Then you either go without them or not at all

It's not just about you, it's about how he and they feel.

Yes, I haven’t accepted position nor was I actively seeking it out. Came from a past position internationally and company is putting out the feelers. I will speak with ex - I am just unsure of how to broach it.

I'm not sure being in another country from parent is really "better '

I know - lots to consider. We currently live in a pretty horrible town where I just see drugs and unemployment getting worse and I want a better life for my children.

Yes, in ideal world but unfortunately their other parent frequently shirks responsibility and often travels extensively with partner, who was the OW so their time with him is not ideal at all.

How would you feel of the shoe was on the other foot and your ex suggested relocating with the children? Would you let them go ‘for a better life?’ Children need access to both their parents where possible. I’d question if you were possibly driven by spite and not having the children’s best interest at heart.

I’m driven by a want for a better life for my children. I don’t have any ‘spite’.

My children would still have ‘access’ with their father. Private school holidays are longer and virtual communication could be a regular thing.

I would start talking with your ex and not expect a decision straight away. Just outline how you see it could work and the benefits, and let you both have some time to take it all in. He will be freaked out and first and might be defensive.

Just see how it goes. If he still says no there isn’t that much you can do. You can see a solicitor but without consent it’s very tricky. If he says no though I think I would be asking him how he wants to contribute to schooling and a good life for his kids in the future. Parenting is more than just being there, and if he doesn’t want you to go then it’s also up to him to contribute to thinking about how to help them have a better future.

But if he can't have them overnight now, how will he have them in school holidays?

would you be content with virtual communication? Even if your ex is - would your children?

I imagine my ex will have to step up and have the children to stay during the holidays although to date, he has refused as partner has two young children and they have a small apartment. It just feels wrong that because this path was chosen for us, ie separated parents etc that my children have to wait around for their father to step up and can’t avail of an once in a lifetime opportunity.

If your children are keen to.do this then go for it. It doesn't sound like their father will.put up much opposition to it as he is hardly a contender for dad of the year already

You need his permission.
If he says no you can apply to court where you will have to argue that this move is better than their relationship with their father.

That's your only option and it can be time consuming so you better hurry up.

How old are the DC and how do they feel about a move to this country? Or if you haven’t asked them yet, how do you think they would react?

What happens if you lose your job? Presume they’d have to leave the school and would you all have to move back here in a hurry?

There’s still lots to consider and agonise over. Thanks for everyone’s input.

If he travels for work with this new partner, what happens to her 2 kids that live with them??

He travels; she doesn’t, as far as I know that is.

My feeling is no. You talk about a better life for your children but I don’t think material things and private schools and whatnot compensates for not seeing their dad regularly.

I know it’s hard to turn down an opportunity like this, but the change from day-to-day low-key casual contact to high-stakes holiday only contact will change (destroy?) their relationship significantly.

What’s so great for the kids about this move other than the private school? Most kids are not keen to leave their mates/family.

Job is pretty secure, as secure as it can be. I have also lived in the country previously got work albeit this was fifteen years ago, pre babies. Children are 6 and 8.