Newly divorced and wish to relocate with DC

[PenelopeTHur]

I have been offered an an amazing job opportunity in an amazing country, think once in a lifetime holidays etc. The job will give my two DC free places in a very prestigious private school. The caveat: I am divorced from their father. They see him a couple of times a week with no overnights. This job opportunity provides housing, healthcare and annual return flights. Pre divorce ex and I talked passionately about doing the above with our children but due to his infidelity, our marriage hasn’t lasted. Should my children miss out?
I’m proposing they see him every holiday and he would be welcome to visit whenever he wished.

Would he be bothered by this? Or would it make his life easier.

Is he a good dad to them?

I've no idea about the law regarding this but I think you should go for it OP. It sounds like a wonderful new opportunity for you.

I'm sure a dedicated dad like your ex will step up and find a way to make it work for his kids.

What sort of life will they have where you are going, expat sort of life or mixing with the locals?

Same it may be a 'nice life' to adults who are happy with living so enclosed, but for kids?

Like PP I'm bemused how life can be so grim here and so amazing abroad when working for the same company.
Maybe look at improving your life here?

Sounds like an amazing opportunity. I guess you can only ask. My kids have benefitted greatly from living in another country and the schooling/opportunities it brings.

I want to encourage you - this is possible. A colleague had similar circumstances, the father would not agree, but she won in court and left with her children. It has changed her life and theirs.

Go for it. Congratulations
Expect him to bang a prohibited steps application to court to stop you going but dont worry you can list all the reasons why its beneficial and he will have to list why its not.... im guessing your list will be more convincing.
Include that it was a lifetime plan so he clearly agreed at one point that it was beneficial to the children but chose instead to have an affair and break down the fanily unit.
How do the kids feel about goung/seeing him in holidays.

Hes not the primary carer.

Housing,
weather,
cost of living,
schooling,
lifestyle,
food,
activities
Career progression
learning new culture and language.
Socialising more.
Better quality of life
New start
Independence
Choice
No tory gov

The list could go on

Yes I would be doing what offers you and the kids the best life opportunity. Missing out on an experience like this just to remain in the same country as their father and see him every other weekend but not for overnights does not trump the amazing experience they could have living abroad. It's not like the OP is discouraging contact and a relationship with their father. The offer of holidays and digital contact is completely fine IMO. OP is the primary carer and it doesn't sound like the father has stepped up his parenting commitments. I agree he will likely throw a tantrum though.

You need to go. It's a great opportunity. He doesn't even want them overnight so is hardly an involved co-parent set up.
Would it be financially possible for you to travel back to uk with kids regularly to effectively facilitate contact? If you can afford to, I would tell him you will bring kids to him every school holiday for a period of time.
If you went is he likely to seek legal advice to stop you?

If I read you correctly @PenelopeTHur your ex had an affair which led to the marriage ending. He has then had lower than ideal involvement with the children.

I think he has made his bed, additionally, since all this was discussed prior to divorce, it would be a fairly simplistic conversation to say something like "remember that discussion we had about moving to x with the children before you bollocksed it all up? Well, it's on the cards again and I am considering it. What is your view?"

That way you are not committing to anything, or putting him in a defensive position. Less words from you gives you more opportunity to gauge his reaction, and provokes him to put up or shut up.

Unfortunately, my guess is that he will not disagree as he doesn't appear to have the children featuring much in his new life.

You would need to be careful how you handle it with the children as you don't them to accuse you of blocking their relationship with their father further down the road.

It’s not just leaving their dad. It’s leaving friends, presumably extended family, their country and culture. Prestigious private schools are not the be all and end all.

How feasible would it be for you to stay in that country and keep the children in their school if the job ended?

Thank you everyone for all level of insight.
To quickly summarise we live i. Our hometown in a pretty downtrodden area of the UK but I presume a lot of areas are like this. My ex now he is embedded with the OW has lost all notion of travel despite us travelling extensively pre children and being very optimistic that we would not live in this town long term. Wishing my children to experience a world outside of the UK is not something I’ve just dreamt up yesterday, it was something my ex and I discussed pre children and without divulging personal details, we lived in this country pre children and often talked about how wonderful it would be to bring children up in this environment.
my job prospects are secure in new country and financially we will be better off. Weather, opportunities, lifestyle are all greatly improved. Yes, we will be leaving extended family behind but I intend to visit regularly and maintain that connection.
It is a quandary and I thank you again for your advice.

It sounds like there is literally no room for the kids to stay. So by step up do you mean he’ll have to move to a bigger property?

I’m not sure but should my children’s lives be put on hold because my ex has made poor life choices…

If it’s definitely what’s best for your kids then yes that should be the priority, not accommodating exH.

I and other posters are not convinced it is actually best for DC though. They will be taken away from their friends and other family, which most DC would hate, and their whole life will be dependent on your job status. Kids tend to value stability, especially if their parents have already split up.

Who says that their lives are on hold? It’s your life that you feel is on hold, not theirs. Six year olds aren’t generally harbouring a desire to uproot themselves from everything they’ve ever known and move overseas.

It is hard, OP. I split up from DC's dad when they were v. small and my life choices have been limited by having to stay in the same town as him. He has not been a great dad to be honest and I wonder whether it might have been better for DC to have had less contact with him. However I think it's a big decision to take children away from their dad, even if he is quite crap, and it's something that could easily be held against you in future. Children can be messed up by an absent parent - and also by a present parent. There are no easy choices and it is not easy to be shackled to a crap co-parent. But at the end of the day I chose to have a child with him - that was a poor decision and I need to live with the consequences.

Unfortunately circumstances change and the plans you once have cannot now happen without the consent of your ex husband. You cannot make these life altering choices for you children without his agreement.

I think it’s telling that your children are 6 and 8, and it’s only now that your husband has moved in that you think it is the best time to uproot everyone.

The job opportunity has only just come up!

We took my kids abroad when they were almost exactly those ages. They made new friends, they have also kept a couple of their old friends. They saw family plenty. We moved to a location where people wanted to visit. Plus they traveled home at least once per year. They learned a language in a country where they could practice it. They went to an international school with a hugely diverse cohort. They had brilliant opportunities, sports wise, educationally, and socially.

Some posters are talking as if there is no benefits to them whatsoever. There are. Plenty. I vote you ask him. Honestly. And the kids.

You seem to be getting some criticism OP but I would go for it. You only get one crack at raising children. Opportunities don't come every day. Try. The worst that happens is that everything stays as it is now. The best is you and your children have a better quality of life for many years, and an education that stays with them for life.

Thank you - I have seen firsthand the quality, diversity and opportunity at this particular prep school and my children would thrive. I understand it would take some upheaval and sacrifice in the beginning but it’s a really good opportunity.