Newly divorced and wish to relocate with DC

[PenelopeTHur]

I have been offered an an amazing job opportunity in an amazing country, think once in a lifetime holidays etc. The job will give my two DC free places in a very prestigious private school. The caveat: I am divorced from their father. They see him a couple of times a week with no overnights. This job opportunity provides housing, healthcare and annual return flights. Pre divorce ex and I talked passionately about doing the above with our children but due to his infidelity, our marriage hasn’t lasted. Should my children miss out?
I’m proposing they see him every holiday and he would be welcome to visit whenever he wished.

The town we live in is pretty grim.

You don't know until you ask, and maybe his OW would actually prefer it, which could be helpful to your cause.

So you’d be happy if they relocated somewhere with their father and without you?

no? Didn’t think so

The above is a moot point / I have pretty much full custody.

"Yes, in ideal world but unfortunately their other parent frequently shirks responsibility and often travels extensively with partner, who was the OW so their time with him is not ideal at all."

That's not what you said before though. Apologies if I have misunderstood.

It might be moot right now but your unwillingness to answer shows you wouldn’t.

I think there’s a degree of hypocrisy trying to do something you wouldn’t want done to you

Is there no option in between staying in grim town and an international move? Like moving to another town?

If he has them twice a week that is a lot of contact even if it’s not overnight, that’s pretty regular contact so can’t see a court agreeing so you will his permission

Do you really think he will object - if this was something that had been actively discussed when you were married.
So it's not like it is going to come as a surprise to him is it.
I think he will huff and puff to begin with, then agree.

They’re already adjusting to a lot, and you want to uproot them, take them away from everything they know, and most importantly, their dad.

I’d be careful, OP. Their dad may be less than ideal but when they look back as adults, you don’t want it to look like the lack of relationship with him is your fault.

He is their dad. Nothing can possibly be offered that will be better for them than a relationship with their parent (I accept there are a small minority of cases where this general rule doesn’t apply, this doesn’t sound like one of the exceptions)

If the town you live in is grim, can you move to a nearby town / suburbs, rather than another country?!

Sorry PP - they travel for holidays, breaks etc as he rearranged contact etc. I have taken children on summer holidays before and it didn’t object but of course, a move is an entirely different thing.

You say you aren’t being spiteful yet you mention husband and partner in first few posts. How would you children feel about regularly seeing their dad to living in a completely different country? Would they rather attend a fancy private school, or have their dad regularly in their lives?

I could move to another town but I couldn’t afford private schools without his help and he doesn’t even pay CMS at present but that’s another take which I’d rather not discuss. I understand everyone’s point but there is a lot of well he’s their dad, well, they won’t want to go etc when all I can see is a breath of fresh air.

I mention husband and partner as being honest, that is a big part of his life. I don’t mean it to be spiteful.

Agree with all of this. Choosing to move them so far from their dad could have a lot of unintended consequences

I would write a detailed plan for him about how you will support and promote the relationship between them including regular visiting and virtual contact. If he does not agree, you would have to make an application to the court and the court will look at what is in the children's welfare interests. A detailed plan will help but there is no guarantee. There will probably be a big wait with how busy the courts are at the moment so it will depend on how long your potential employer can wait. The court can't prevent you going but they can prevent the children going, at which point you I imagine would decide not to go. There is a lot of information online but some legal advice would be very sensible. You'll then have to decide if it's worth it to go to court or not but ideally you'd get agreement, but then be sure you have something clearly documented

Relationship with dad is more important than private schooling, IMO.

Sounds like a great opportunity. If you have permission to take the DC, I'd go. (But you need permission)

Let's be honest doesn't sound like there is much of a relationship and OP said he doesn't contribute financially either.

Not all children have a lovely time at private school. And among my friends it was particularly those who had been at private school who were substantially less well off than their peers who found it the hardest.

I went to a mixture of private and state and I have to say whilst I liked my private school I found the other children mainly very materialistic and status obsessed and I certainly would have chosen regular time with my dad over fancy facilities and somewhat smaller classes.

How old are your children? Is it something you could put off for another year or two to see how things are then?

Contact and maintenance aren’t linked and op could go to the child maintenance service he obviously has a job and isn’t self employed by the sounds of it so that’s her choice but ultimately it isn’t linked.

You may feel like it is a breath of fresh air but you can’t think about yourself under the guise of wanting a better life for your children.

Let's be honest doesn't sound like there is much of a relationship

They see him twice a week. OK, he may not be a great dad, but unless he’s abusive, which it doesn’t sound like he is, his children are going to be happier with twice a week casual, low-key, than twice a year awkwardness with a dad who has become a virtual stranger.

Even if your ex was happy it doesn’t seem clear this move is great for your DC tbh.

They would have to leave their friends, dad and familiar country to grow up in a country they have no connection to currently and they’d have no right to stay in as adults (I presume?) If it’s a once in a lifetime holiday type place then I’m guessing it’s not very near to the UK so a long flight back to see anyone. Do they have other family in the UK? Grandparents?

Prestigious private school can be a mixed blessing, especially if they are not of the income level of the others there. If the other kids include lots of ex pat families on job related places like them, then it may be very transient with friends leaving.

I would look into a move to a decent school catchment in a nicer area instead.

Bit confused how your options are “pretty grim town” or private schools, flights home, healthcare etc. Seems like if you are senior enough to get a job abroad with those kind of perks, you would be senior enough to be able to afford better than a ‘grim’ town. Unless it’s Dubai/Emirates in which case 🤮 - not a nice place to bring up your children.

I understand that a fresh start a country away from ex who cheated on you would be great for you, but not so much for your children. If they are to have a proper relationship with their dad, then they need to be in the same country.