How to cope with the women who was his affair partner playing happy families with my kids

[helpmewithmytrauma]

It is breaking me how do I do this? Everytime they go to their dads I feel absolutely devastated she is there. It feels like she stepped into my old life.

Create a new life. She can have the old one. The one with the cheating partner. Let her keep it.

The kids will make a relationship with her but you being happy and fun to be around will trump that, every time because you are their mum.

I'm not suggesting it's easy but it's a mindset.

It's envy and jealousy you are feeling.

Try to move thr focus 100% onto you. Don't think about what's happening there. How can you look after yourself (indulge in high level self care?), maybe grow (learn a new skill?), give yourself time to grieve and move on.

It may also be helpful to watch how your frame things and thr language you use, even to yourself. "Playing happy families" sounds really snotty. Your children deserve to be around happy families, even when you aren't included. The negative framing isn't helping anyone.

He's a cheater and a liar;she knows she'll never trust him.

Your kids need to see their dad.If it wasn't her there it would have been a different woman eventually.

You will adjust.

Have you considered counselling?

The old life you outgrew, you have evolved beyond that now. She is now stuck with a constant nagging doubt in her mind about him as he is a known cheater and it's only a matter of time before he's up to his old tricks again and she will simply be one woman in a chain, nothing special. Every time he smiles at his phone or is late coming home, her mind will be in over drive. What a prize she's won.
Meanwhile, you are unaffected, unfazed and unbothered. The best revenge is to live well.

I have been having counselling for over a year now. I still feel so much anger and pain.

Everybody loves her and thinks she is wonderful. It just hurts. I have cried for hours everytime they have left to go there.

Do you really think adding YOUR dc to her fantasy man is making her happy? Her fantasy man wasn't married was he? The real man she has gained is a cheating twat. She won't forget that bit..

I understand it's not easy but you must beat these feelings as they will bring nothing but negativity and unhappiness. You need to let this go and move on with your life. You are still their mum and nothing will ever change that. Chances are that he will cheat on her too eventually. But by then you won't even care.

The best advice I was given in the exact same circumstance : your children will grow and they will know. It’s not easy to hear that as I want to protect my children but they will eventually come to see you as their stable, loving, dependable parent. Big hug x

Even if they go out as a "happy family " that's not how your kids see it. They are out with their dad and this woman they hardly know. If she's fun and nice to them you know that's good . You didn't want this but you will get through it and there will be easier times

I doubt everyone does think she is great. Surely your friends don’t? Maybe even some of hers too.

Let the cheating lying bastard go.

He always had the cheating and lying within him. Now you and his new partner both know that about him.

Don't let him contaminate your life for one minute more.

Because bitterness will hurt you more than him.

I can’t imagine your pain.
Ive known a couple of people who had affairs. They seemed really happy in the beginning once they left the marital home and like they had ‘won’. From the one affair couple who got married - they are now divorced because funnily enough, the cheat cheated again. The other couple who got married after having an affair - the partner who was the OW is now a borderline alcoholic who doesn’t trust the husband she won because funnily enough he has a wandering eye.
It might be painful to watch now, but couples who start out as an affair couple soon develop cracks in their relationship. They know they are with someone who cannot be trusted.
Focus on you. Do nice things for yourself, become the best version of yourself. You are lucky in a way, you are not going to spend an entire lifetime with a lying cheat. You have a chance to meet someone new and have a better life.

OP I know a woman who was the OW and her now DH left his first wife and kids for her.

She puts photos on social media of her with her step kids and biological kids and always puts captions like “all my kids” or “love being their mum”.

Let’s just say I don’t think very highly of her and my thoughts are with the ex-wife.

I also wonder how much she trusts her DH and whether she has realised that she won the booby prize…..

That sounds really hard OP. How did it end? Is your ex aware you feel this way? That might be adding to it all too.

Might be worth having something booked to go to after dropping them off whilst it's still so raw to take your mind off it.

OP can I reply from the perspective of the child? Your children will be aware of what’s gone on and as they get older they will understand the situation, for now concentrate on giving them a loving fun home with you where they feel safe and secure. They will really need that safe space to come back to, as it’s hard being a child going between two homes.

I was the child in this situation and had to spend weekends with my DF and the OW. I wanted to see my dad but wasn’t keen on having to fit into a new family. However, I tried to make the best of the situation, as children do. However I knew my mum wasn’t happy about me being there. So if I had a nice time at my dad’s, I felt guilty. But if I didn’t have a nice time, I thought I was letting my dad down. Looking back I was trying to keep everyone happy when none of it was my doing anyway. It was not a great part of my childhood.

At the end of the day, you are their mum, absolutely nobody can change that. You are the person they love and rely on. It doesn’t matter what sort of ‘happy families’ are being played at their dad’s - your children know who their mum is. Put your focus back onto yourself and your own home. They will appreciate you all the more for it.

The kids are young primary age so many years of this ahead.

The relationship ended when I caught him out having been seeing this woman for several months sneaking around to hotels together. At the time our youngest was two. I was exhausted and hardly coping.

It turned out there had been many other women and I was just a fool.

That's horrendous OP. Really gross.

Clearly he's a serial cheat. He'll be doing it again.

It turned out there had been many other women and I was just a fool.

She’s the one shacked up with a cheater. Your previous life was with a guy you thought loved you and was faithful. She’s with him now that everyone knows he’s a cheat. More fool her.

That's tough but she can be happy with the dcs for a few hours, it's easy to put on a brave face. Your ex being a serial cheater and her getting him that way means she will always be wondering if he's cheating again. She might genuinely be a nice person apart from being the OW.
Don't let your dcs know how you feel and try to get a hold of the situation. Accept that you're not going to like it but at least your dcs like her. Imagine if she was awful to them and then they wanted to see their Dad but dreaded going. At least they're happy to go. It'll get easier. Just make the most of that free time whilst knowing they are safe and happy there.

She's the fool now.

It's very difficult to grieve something like this. It takes a lot longer than you'd think.

It’s really hard
A tip someone gave me is to see her/them as free childcare, gives you the chance to do something else & also reading chumplady website helps

I was once left for the other woman she was younger than me prettyier.
They're still together but boy what a mess.
The tables have turned down the line.

They will never love her more than you because you are their mum. His new relationship probably won't last if he's a serial cheater! It's hard when they're not with you so plan ahead and fill the time so that you don't have time to brood. Get out and about and do some nice things just for you.

Ok be honest here … is she a nice ish person , notwithstanding her relationship status ?

because I’ll tell you what hurts a lot more , is if the dad is with someone who doesn’t like your children and would be mean and cold to them .

Being a good mum here is letting them be happy .
you can be happy too , enjoy your time , lie in, bake, put the music on, go for a swim and see some friends . Then get dating ! Turn up looking hot and be breezy and glam ,. If your kids are safe and happy , this will have to do .

Greta advice.

Sending love, can't imagine how difficult it must be for you now, but there is a future out there for you full of peace and happiness.

This man did not deserve you and out of the ashes of this incredible things will emerge ❤️