How to cope with the women who was his affair partner playing happy families with my kids

[helpmewithmytrauma]

It is breaking me how do I do this? Everytime they go to their dads I feel absolutely devastated she is there. It feels like she stepped into my old life.

Well if he turns to serial cheating again I could see her veneer changing towards your children. If she bemomes pissed off with him she'll become pissed off with them.

Just be there to keep an eye on this situation, any hint of her being unkind to your children then stop the visits.

I've got a feeling this facade won't last, you're the stability, the strength and stay for the children, their mom who loves them unconditionally, she's nothing just a woman who didn't give a shit whose family unit she helped break up, she doesn't care about your kids, it's all for show...... for the moment.

Give it time.
Their true colours will be revealed in one way or another.

Cry for your children. They're the ones who have to go and see a weak and irresponsible man regularly, and call him dad. They're the ones stuck with him.

You can console yourself with the knowledge that the OW will never have a minute's peace or security with a man who would betray you and break up the home of his own children. She may see all of that as proof of his love for her, but she'll probably learn in time that it's actually proof of his inability to count further than one.

Try to find something that will enrich your own life instead of letting this pair suck your energy and cause you pain.

This, I was the child in this situation. Bitterness and hatred for my father ate away at my mum for the next 40 years until she died. I ended up having a terrible relationship with both my parents.

I wish my mum had just let them get on with it. I didnt love her any less because of his new wife but I did resent my mum for how she made me feel every time I saw him.

This woman will never ever come close to their mum, never.

He’s cheated with her & others. I know it’s hard & you don’t feel like this but I would feel proud. He’ll do it to her I bet.

Nothing can change or be a threat to a child & mother bond.

So much fantastic advice and ways of reframing my thinking. Thank you all. It has been a particularly difficult weekend. I go through waves of feeling strong and then it all hits me again and I feel I spiral.

Enjoy your newfound freedom! Now that your kids are at their dads you get some time just for you! Enjoy it! Plenty would be envious.

One of the hardest things is realising the life I had and wasted so many years on was in fact a lie. He was living a double life.

I just never understand why these kinds of men bring children into it. If you want to sleep around and be hideous by all means do but let the woman make an informed choice about her life and don’t let her live a lie.

It seems insane to me that a woman willingly starts a relationship when she has the facts in front of her. I know she did not owe me anything but I do feel angered by her lack of morals and empathy. She seems naive but kind enough. Very wrapped up in her image and social media.

*Cry for your children. They're the ones who have to go and see a weak
and irresponsible man regularly, and call him dad. They're the ones
stuck with him. *

This, do you know how hard it is for children who have the ick about their own father.

I can see it now this ow trying to swell his ego in front of the children, playing happy families to make sure he doesn't get depressed and question the fact that he abandoned his kids.

On the other hand you are the moral one, the one who will teach them to be kind, responsible individuals and not hurt others, to have better values than their father.

They now have your guidance, finish the job with aplomb because he wasn't up to it and never was.

You’ve said there were many other women too OP. Just focus on that. He cheated not just once, but multiple times. Had you stayed with him your life would have been miserable. Cheaters on this level rarely stop, and it won’t be long before he starts cheating again. It’s not easy to move on I know. I was in your situation and I was broken for a long time. But life will slowly get better, and you will come to enjoy your independence, and your child free times. You could cry every minute of every day, and it’s still not going to change the situation. I know it’s a cliche, but live your best life - he’s not a nice person, and you deserve better.

Divorcee, hard-working mother, loves to travel.

OP, this woman didn't step into your old life - your old life doesn't even exist anymore. Your old life was marriage to a serial cheater. So given that serial cheaters rarely stop cheating, the old life you'd get back is one where your husband cheats on you. Repeatedly. That's not a good enough life for you.

Playing happy families only happens in your mind. It's a story you tell yourself. Nothing more. As a SM I can tell you that my DSC and I talk about their mum daily. Daily. Without fail. I am happy with my DP, I try to ensure my DSC are happy when they are with us but that's it. I am not playing happy families, because my DSC already have a great mum. And so do yours. And the OW will never, ever, ever have a day when your name doesn't crop up in her life. And because of how she got together with your ex, your name will remind her daily of the dick move she made.

For what it's worth, it took me years to recover from the guy who broke me. So don't beat yourself up if you're still angry after a year. Be ok with it. It's a reasonable reaction to some pretty unreasonable behaviour from your ex. And know that you will come out the other side if it.

God op it IS SO difficult. I had some very painful years of sending my DC to the cheating spouse house and the new family. Be consistent, be the good mom you are, and the best mom you aspire to be and take your time. It’s not a race to the altar. And sure enough they too are divorced and he cheated multiple times before they got divorced. It does suck. One day at a time just the alcoholics say… one day at a time to be stronger and closer to your future happier life. And I am much much closer to my children than he is.

Everything you're feeling is understandable. And you're doing the right thing by going to counselling. All of this is fresh and exciting to your ex and the OW, they're in the honeymoon stage and have yet to experience the real side of each other. Quite possibly your kids aren't comfortable enough with her yet to 'act out' so she's maybe not experienced the real them yet either. I think it's so hard going through a divorce or break up, let alone having to see your kids go to stay with the OW, I honestly think you're doing great to cope. My only consolation in a case like this would be that at least she's nice to your kids. Try to make your time without the kids your time, plan things to do that you can't do when the kids are home, like sleep late and eat what you want, have a girls weekend, surround yourself with supportive people, really enjoy yourself. The odds are your ex will eventually move on from this woman and onto the next one, and the kids may not be such a focus to him. Take care of yourself xx. All the best.

He'll cheat on her, too. It's only a matter of time, assuming he hasn't found another bit on the side already.

My 1st "d"h left me for one of his many honeys and promptly cheated on her. Cheaters cheat, again and again. Concentrate on getting emotionally unstuck and stop thinking she has your life. She doesn't. You didn't even have the life you thought you had. That was a fantasy. You'll be fine, OP. Give it time.

This is so difficult for you and I love that you're reading the responses and are able to take some different perspectives.
Clearly the OW played a stupid game and won a really stupid prize!

I was also the child of a cheater and had to spend time with her and her AP. They were both "arent we a big happy blended mended family" but we kids knew it was fake, that the big happy family isn't really theirs, it's a fantasy of the cheating amoral adults that they're being dragged into to assuage their egos and guilty consciences.
I always appreciated time with my dad because he never badmouthed my mother, and that made me feel safe to have my own feelings about the situation without fear of feeding into his anger or bitterness. His eventual ability to let go and forgive (which was HARD WORK for him and took at least 2 years) helped him to move on with a really good woman.
In fact, my dad took the high road to the extent that when my mother's AP died, my dad went to the funeral.
I have learnt so much from him about pain and anger and resolution, and he was such a good role model in this respect. By rising above this, you too can give your children this gift. It won't be easy and it won't happen overnight but you seem like a person who can do it.

In my case my cheating ex and the ow stopped seeing my dd completely. It was easier for me , but she now has a mystery in her life

One of the hardest things is realising the life I had and wasted so many years on was in fact a lie.

It wasn't. You lived your truth. You were the person you are now. You were a good wife and mum. HE lived a lie, not you. I know you believe he devalued your life but he didn't. He devalued himself.

Every person on the face of the earth will be heartbroken and sad or they will die first. The luckiest person on the earth will have one good, happy relationship that ends well. Only one. You had some good years. That's not worthless.

He. Will. Not. Change. He is a serial cheater. Lying and sneaking is second nature to him. She thinks she has won a prize she hasn’t she’s won an absolute dud. There was a neurological study a few years ago about lying and the damage it does to the brain they believe it dampens empathy and makes more lying easier, seriously, he won’t be able to stop. He’ll chase the high of an affair again! He’s simply an unsafe partner for anyone!

I’d not want any part of their ‘happy family’.

Try not to get too caught up with her, with time you’ll find a place where you realise she could be anyone silly enough to believe his nonsense. She wasn’t special. And not everyone loves her.

As for you it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. Your anger and despair is absolutely understandable but as you say do try and reframe it. Don’t think what you had was a lie, you have beautiful children out of this relationship and now is the time to become the family people are in awe of! Make a list together and cross things off. Have a little photo shoot and put the pics on your wall. Go on surprise breaks. Find some firsts and have a go together. Use your time alone to develop new hobbies and interests. Find your joy in the world again and leave the cheating pair to it!

Huge hug.

they are not wasted years, you had the most amazing precious children with through the years

thankfully the children like her and she seems nice. How awful it would be for your kids if she was nasty and unkind. No battles needed to safeguard them.

poor woman, she’s with an untrustworthy unreliable man.

Most importantly build a life you dream of. Take time to revaluate your social activities, hobbies, work, friendships and workout how to meaningfully develop these. The more enriched and fulfilled you feel the better.

I have a similar situation op. Ex H left me for a younger, prettier and more fun version of me.
it was like I’d been cloned by a better version of myself, there she was in the family photos, family holidays smiling with my kids and ex-in-laws, sat at the table for Christmas dinner.
It hurt but ultimately I’m glad she’s ok, nice to them and it means ex-H leaves me alone mostly.. she will never be the mother of your children, no one can replace you. I actually feel sorry for her and wonder how long exH can put his facade up, how long she go before realising she will never have her own baby’s etc..

Op you didn’t live a lie. You lived your truth. He lived a lie - he’s a low quality man who says one thing yet meant another. There is nothing wrong with opting not to be monogamous but it’s not right to pretend you are when you clearly are not. He has a but in his wedding vows - I’m faithful but not if my partner won’t find out. I’m faithful but but if I’m feeling low and sex is on offer. I’m faithful but not if a woman throws ego kibbles at me. He lied to himself first. His word is meaningless.

I believe it’s due to character defects the cheater has. These will have always been present, examples are He needs ego kibbles, he can’t self soothe, he’s selfish, lacks integrity, dishonest, impulsive, low self esteem, poor communication skills, people pleaser, needs external validation. etc etc.

As a serial cheat until he fixes the issues he has he will never be happy. If he isn’t happy with himself he isn’t marriage or relationship material.

So it’s unlikely his relationship is going to be great because he is unlikely to fix his issues.

So write down your values. Then live every day by those values. Keep an evening journal linked to 3 small things that made you happy - be very specific. Not nice coffee with friend but Sat at Laura’s and had a coffee in a cat mug, chatted about x. Laughed at y.
Then run through the values and write how you incorporated them today. Look back on the journal over time and you can see the person you are. Be proud of that women.

You are not a fool for trusting someone and taking them at their word. You need to explore why you think that. Trusting and believing are normal behaviour. Saying you are monogamous and then skulking and creeping around with other women in the shadows is not normal behaviour. It’s grim and sly. Hiding behind the bike sheds with someone else’s boyfriend wasn’t a good look aged 15 never mind as an adult. But he obviously likes that.

Also read ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Kamil Ravikant. Also ‘cheating in a nutshell’.

Look after yourself. Exercise daily, eat healthily, avoid alcohol. Focus on yourself. Write a long list of little and big things you enjoy. Do one of them while the kids are away. Dress nice, do your hair nice especially if you are doing drop off and pick up. Be proud of you. Love yourself. You are the prize here.

Cheats cheat due to their poor character traits. You can’t make someone cheat, it’s their choice. It had nothing to do with you. If you do X I had no choice but to cheat - makes no sense. An unhappy person has three choices a) confront you and maybe book counselling b) put up with their unhappiness c) divorce papers. All three options are fine and don’t damage THEIR character.

I don’t cheat for ME. I want my word and vows to mean something to ME. I said being loyal and faithful was important to me. I said vows in front of family and friends. I’m not faithful because of my husband (that would allow me to have excuses when he annoys me) I’m faithful for ME. He is the collateral damage to my choices.

OP look, he would have lied his arse off to her, "my wife and I are already separated, we don't have sex, we don't get on...." etc etc

She like many of the other women he slept with fell for it.

You are right to feel angry and upset, he made a commitment and broke it. You are mourning a life you thought you had that never existed because he is an aching pong hole of a man.

You have an opportunity here, once you are over the anger, to have some freedom, get some time for yourself, start doing something you have always wanted.

You are ok.

Think about what your old life actually was - not what you thought it was - and the fact that she’s almost certainly slipped into it too.

Wise poster who said to keep an eye that she continues to be kind to your children once she’s disillusioned with your ex.

Op. You don’t know what he said to her about his marriage, and clearly the marriage was over, he was screwing around not just with her. It didn’t work, and wasn’t going to last, she wasn’t the cause of that.

it’s good she’s kind, but you do need to stop thinking she’s the problem, the problem was him and the marriage itself. You are no longer being lied to, and are now free to move on to something that makes you happy. , and find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

Everyone is saying he will cheat again. He may not.
but none of this is your concern. Just be a fab mum, be grateful she is kind to your children and try to build a new life for yourself. A year is nothing, it could take a few more years yet before you feel a lot better. But there are things you can do to help - be kind to yourself, go out with friends, do things, force yourself to enjoy the child-free time