Page 4 | How to cope with the women who was his affair partner playing happy families with my kids

helpmewithmytrauma · 2024-02-18T20:56:01+00:00

It is breaking me how do I do this? Everytime they go to their dads I feel absolutely devastated she is there. It feels like she stepped into my old life.

Original poster

helpmewithmytrauma · 19/02/2024 18:07

@sushimayo that feels a bit harsh. If anything she has driven their dad further away from them than ever. She puts on a likeable front yes but they only have the children on average about 4 days a month. In which it’s great fun playing the part of wonderful. I haven’t said it’s bad she is kind to them. Just that it really hurts. He cheated and before even given anyone a chance to grieve, they were already moved in together.

I am also not sure I would call the limited minuscule time as her building amazing future relations and she is certainly not their step mother. Dad’s girlfriends yes.

OP posts:

SushiMayo · 19/02/2024 18:33

helpmewithmytrauma · 19/02/2024 18:07

@sushimayo that feels a bit harsh. If anything she has driven their dad further away from them than ever. She puts on a likeable front yes but they only have the children on average about 4 days a month. In which it’s great fun playing the part of wonderful. I haven’t said it’s bad she is kind to them. Just that it really hurts. He cheated and before even given anyone a chance to grieve, they were already moved in together.

I am also not sure I would call the limited minuscule time as her building amazing future relations and she is certainly not their step mother. Dad’s girlfriends yes.

She has to start somewhere. Yes she's girlfriend now but if all goes well then in a few years she could be their step mum. So keep her on side.

Beaverbridge · 19/02/2024 19:08

I 100% understand you OP. I had exact same feelings when my 2 went to their dads and OW at weekends. My youngest was only 2, a baby!. It did get easier as they got older. My kids developed their own interests and didn't want to go. Oh and as for him, well he had another affair, I now suspect he had plenty. OW was left with egg on her face but by then I didn't give 2 fecks!.

terfinthewild · 20/02/2024 14:06

I mean this with kindness but whenever I feel bad or low or weak it think of all the people that would love to wake up with my problems. The people with cancer, the people who have lost their children, the people who can't have children etc. I find it helps me keep a good perspective and helps me keep going when I feel stuck. I hope that helps in some way. Honestly it sounds like a lucky escape for you.

Pinkbonbon · 20/02/2024 17:07

Toomanysquishmallows · 19/02/2024 17:18

@Pinkbonbon , I have to be honest , I can’t see anything nice about the ow in my case . Before my ex stopped seeing dd completely, she would always phone when I was dropping her off for example .

You sure it was even her phoning?
Maybe he made her paranoid he was still into you. Men like him often like to play the ex and the new woman off against eachother.

He may want you to think she's the reason he doesn't see his daughter but the truth us, he doesn't see her because he doesn't give enough of a fuck. Bet he tells the new woman you are keeping him from his kids too.

They make out to the other person that each of you is the bad guy. So they can avoid any blame. And, because they find it fun to watch two women 'fight over' them.

iamthemanny · 19/05/2024 10:15

Kettletoast · 18/02/2024 23:09

It’s really hard
A tip someone gave me is to see her/them as free childcare, gives you the chance to do something else & also reading chumplady website helps

Chumplady is amazing the book so true and makes you laugh. Need to read it again.

iamthemanny · 19/05/2024 10:20

FairyMaclary · 19/02/2024 06:44

Op you didn’t live a lie. You lived your truth. He lived a lie - he’s a low quality man who says one thing yet meant another. There is nothing wrong with opting not to be monogamous but it’s not right to pretend you are when you clearly are not. He has a but in his wedding vows - I’m faithful but not if my partner won’t find out. I’m faithful but but if I’m feeling low and sex is on offer. I’m faithful but not if a woman throws ego kibbles at me. He lied to himself first. His word is meaningless.

I believe it’s due to character defects the cheater has. These will have always been present, examples are He needs ego kibbles, he can’t self soothe, he’s selfish, lacks integrity, dishonest, impulsive, low self esteem, poor communication skills, people pleaser, needs external validation. etc etc.

As a serial cheat until he fixes the issues he has he will never be happy. If he isn’t happy with himself he isn’t marriage or relationship material.

So it’s unlikely his relationship is going to be great because he is unlikely to fix his issues.

So write down your values. Then live every day by those values. Keep an evening journal linked to 3 small things that made you happy - be very specific. Not nice coffee with friend but Sat at Laura’s and had a coffee in a cat mug, chatted about x. Laughed at y.
Then run through the values and write how you incorporated them today. Look back on the journal over time and you can see the person you are. Be proud of that women.

You are not a fool for trusting someone and taking them at their word. You need to explore why you think that. Trusting and believing are normal behaviour. Saying you are monogamous and then skulking and creeping around with other women in the shadows is not normal behaviour. It’s grim and sly. Hiding behind the bike sheds with someone else’s boyfriend wasn’t a good look aged 15 never mind as an adult. But he obviously likes that.

Also read ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Kamil Ravikant. Also ‘cheating in a nutshell’.

Look after yourself. Exercise daily, eat healthily, avoid alcohol. Focus on yourself. Write a long list of little and big things you enjoy. Do one of them while the kids are away. Dress nice, do your hair nice especially if you are doing drop off and pick up. Be proud of you. Love yourself. You are the prize here.

Cheats cheat due to their poor character traits. You can’t make someone cheat, it’s their choice. It had nothing to do with you. If you do X I had no choice but to cheat - makes no sense. An unhappy person has three choices a) confront you and maybe book counselling b) put up with their unhappiness c) divorce papers. All three options are fine and don’t damage THEIR character.

I don’t cheat for ME. I want my word and vows to mean something to ME. I said being loyal and faithful was important to me. I said vows in front of family and friends. I’m not faithful because of my husband (that would allow me to have excuses when he annoys me) I’m faithful for ME. He is the collateral damage to my choices.

Edited

What amazing advice, I am same but role reversal. Thank you.

Original poster

helpmewithmytrauma · 19/05/2024 16:52

Seeing this pop up again is just what I needed today.

OP posts:

iamthemanny · 30/12/2024 07:47

I have been where you are and still am grieving. I don’t think words can ever describe the hell of seeing your children, especially so quickly, with another woman.

i too have had therapy for over a year. Yes it helps. But you are still stuck with this horrific situation. People will give you good advice, shrinks, therapists etc. But it is not a cure like a physical ailment. I am always told to sit with your emotions. Well, sure you know how that feels.

Life totally sucks, you start to heal, but it is not linear. It is a total roller coaster.

You can find hobbies etc but it does not stop the grief. The loss is 50% of kids, or whatever arrangement, is still a tragic loss.

You can only walk through it and endure the pain. It is such a horrendous journey.

But out of the ashes, hope will arise, and one day you will see beauty.

Some mentioned Tracey’s book, leave a cheater gain a life. Such a great source of healing and laughter.

Blessings.