How to cope with the women who was his affair partner playing happy families with my kids

[helpmewithmytrauma]

It is breaking me how do I do this? Everytime they go to their dads I feel absolutely devastated she is there. It feels like she stepped into my old life.

You know where you stand now.
The OW doesn't. She will forever have it hanging over her that if he could do this to you, mother of his dc, he can do it to her too. She just doesn't realise it yet.

I had this.
As PP says, she has the Cheater. She will never rest. Ever. That's her penance.
You make a new life. For your kids' sake, no badmouthing her or him. I shed many a tear in private, and raged too, in private. But my children grew up well adjusted and know that's it's because I supported them properly.

Good luck.

In a couple years he’ll probably have another baby and be bogged down in the family baby stage again and then do it to her,
while you can make the choice to move on and be fabulous! Don’t let him get you down, do something for yourself while he has the kids.

Fantastic advice. Just be glad you don't have to put up with him anymore.

Unfortunately this is all on you and your mindset. You are the only person who is hurting in this situation you need to let it go and choose to be happy

Watch Doctor Foster for some rage catharsis!

They are both pieces of shit and always will be. The only thing I can really suggest is keeping busy while the kids are out so that you can't think about it too much. Running club, volunteering, plans with friends as much as possible. Keep going with the therapy.

If it helps, two friends of mine (brothers) were in the same position as your kids. As they got older and started to understand what had happened between their parents they came to loathe their stepmother and now have very little to do with her. Your children will not be little forever and one day they will understand. In the meantime, no one can ever, ever take your place with them.

Take some comfort in knowing they'll never trust eachother. My ex left for OW, they're now married and he isn't allowed to work because they met whilst working together. Hilarious. Your kids will realise the truth as they get older and who knows how long she'll manage to play happy families with your kids. My ex's wife has been vile to my daughter since 1 year in.

Op I know how that feels! My exh went on to marry her and they do the happy family look how great we are thing. Now, I just laugh about it! She doesn’t have kids so he gets kid free time 80%, able to work full time and the energy to be “the fun ones.”
But a lot of what they do now won’t be the things your kids remember. Think about what you remember as a child? Is it the big days out or bed time stories/ getting to stay up late/playing games etc? In trying to be the better, more generous people they forget the little, important moments that make us who we are. And you will have a much bigger impact on that.
it does get easier! Use the free time to recharge and be a bit selfish! Eat what you want that you know the kids wouldn’t, go and see a movie that they aren’t old enough for, make some friends in a similar situation. When it happened to me I was told it takes around 4 years to get over this. I’m a lot further on from that and promise you will feel better one day!

Thenk you everyone, your words have offered a lot of comfort and reassurance to some very negative thought I have been having. Today has been a lot more positive.

It turned out there had been many other women and I was just a fool.

And then you have it, OP, you’ve rid yourself of this serial cheater, thank goodness. Now you can get on with your life with your lovely children and as PP’s have said, also enjoy your childfree time.💐

I'm glad today is better. You weren't a fool, you trusted him and that is a good thing in a loving, committed relationship. He's the idiot that that threw it away. From experience:
-Find positive, healthy things to do when the kids go to his. Friends, hobbies, exercise - whatever fills the time and that you enjoy.

-Stop the hours of crying, it's not helping for you to wallow in self pity and he certainly doesn't know or care you're at home sobbing. Force yourself out of the house even if it's a walk to the shops.
-It's hard, but stop the obsessive thoughts about him, her and the new relationship. She doesn't matter in your life, but you do. If you need some counselling to help with this, ask for some via your GP.

I doubt she's that wonderful (she's an OW) but isn't it a good thing if she is genuinely nice? Just be be glad the kids are safe and happy when seeing their father (assuming they are that is). Focus on your relationship with the kids and making a happy, fun home with them. Whatever you do, don't put them in the middle or create a siuation where they worry about you when they are away (I'm not saying you are, but kids can be very perceptive about parents).

Remember - the best revenge is you living a happy life.

Well as you say yourself she wasn't the first OW, and she certainly won't be the last!
Instead of dwelling on that I would take advantage of your child free time (which you'd have far far less of if you'd remained together) and improve your life/your kids life. Whether that's taking additional hours at work for more ££, gaining more qualifications to earn more, pampering yourself to make you feel better, going to the gym or for a swim to improve your fitness, decorating the house and making it a nicer space, learning a new skill so you can make things for your kids/cook new things etc I'm sure you'll find a few things to fill your own time, and in time the novelty of new OW trying to be the best step mum will have worn off (and she'll realise what a numpty she's taken on), and suddenly you'll find you'll be the better nicer person for them to come home to.

She hasn’t stepped into your life. You are ahead of her. He will cheat again, he will. If they split up, she will lose all contact with her your kids. They won’t care about keeping in touch with her, believe me. She’s in your kids’ lives, but not their choice, not their mum.

If she is being kind and trying hard then that is good for your kids, at least.

Do you think for one minute your kids will think well of their dad when they realise his infidelity damaged you so badly? They will never fully trust him. He will never fully have their respect, once they are old enough to understand. And her? She’s just a bit-part actress in the drama their dad has created. She doesn’t really count.

If you feel like you wasted years with him then seize the day ! What can you do to be happier : to enjoy your DC free time?
This woman will NEVER come close to you, you are their mum, you are irreplaceable. When they are older they will know the full picture but for now just be glad if they do get a long with her
I do feel for you this situation would eat me up but you want to come out smelling of roses, always, because you've done nothing wrong,
Be strong

Just be there to keep an eye on this situation, any hint of her being unkind to your children then stop the visits.

There's some great advice on this thread but not this. This is terrible advice.

Has it occurred to you that people think she's wonderful because, she is? OK, NOT in the sense of the cheating. But maybe apart from that she's a pleasant person. It sounds like your ex has the ability to bamboozle women. Maybe she has exceedingly poor boundaries and low self worth. But is still a joy to be around for the most part.

I think people get bogged down criticising the other woman on here tbh. What she did was shitty but clearly lots of women get taken I'm and make stupid choices for arsehole men. They're selfish in their time of weakness. And they believe bullshit like 'my wife and I are only together for the kids' due to nativity or being smitten.

Sometimes you have to consider that you might hate what she did bit actually if you knew her in a different context, you might like her. I think that might help you find some forgiveness. To realise that sometimes people do bad things or make mistakes but, they have layers.

She now has to suffer the consequences of her actions. Spending her life worrying he will cheat for a start. Being tied forever to the women she wronged for another thing.

You don't have to be her best pal. But honestly I couldn't be arsed hating her. She's just a mouse in his trap. It might be a comfy cage for now to some extent but that won't last. The cat was always the problem. Cats just...tend find mice.

@Heathcliff27 Much the same happened to me, however I was 21 when my parents split, I'd just left home. My father left my mother for another woman, 6 months after my younger brother turned 18. He'd been unfaithful their whole marriage.

At first I could cope with my mother constantly bad-mouthing him to me...she'd been using me as an emotional support, as a confidant, since I was 11 (I was the only girl). However as time went by, it got harder and harder to deal with her all encompassing bitterness. If either myself or my two brothers dared to suggest that we didn't really want to hear about their marriage, that he was still our father, she'd get angry and retort that we were 'adults and could hear the truth'...she also emotionally blackmailed all 3 of us into going no contact with our father.

That was nearly 35 years ago and she's still as bitter - perhaps even more so - as the day he left. Her bitterness makes her very hard to be around and she's lost a lot of friends as well as family because of it. I'm low contact with her now, to protect my mental health.

@Pinkbonbon , I have to be honest , I can’t see anything nice about the ow in my case . Before my ex stopped seeing dd completely, she would always phone when I was dropping her off for example .

Oh what a difficult situation!! To think of your child away to their dad's and another woman there, like it should be you all. Not him another woman and your child.How awful. I don't think its envy or jealousy one bit. Think it's a totally natural feeling.
I can't offer any real advice as it's going to take time for ypu to see what a rat he his and how you deserve much better than to be cheated on. As long as your child is happy at daddy's and she is good to your child that's all that matters. She will never take your place, you are her mummy. If you keep focusing on it being all negative, your dc will pick up on this. The best thing you can do , as hard as it is, is try to accept the situation. Let go of the pain and anger , it will destroy you and focus on your own happy home. He's a serial cheat, I doubt he will be faithful to her for long.

I too think you need to change your mindset. You say everyone loves her, which suggests she is kind and loving towards your children. Your ex left because (for whatever reason) the relationship wasn’t what he wanted anymore and you should accept that or the bitterness and hatred and jealousy and sadness will just eat you up in an endless cycle of grief.

Try to be happy he has met someone who is caring towards your children and who doesn’t see them as competition or try to drive a wedge between them and their dad. Obviously if she is overstepping boundaries (only you will ever be their mum) then you need to speak to her/your ex and explain that her role is ‘fun aunt type’ and not mother.

There will be many other women as well. She is the fool, not you.

She's not "playing happy families" she's presumably trying to help build a harmonious step-mother relationship with your kids. Do you want your kids to have an unhappy relationship with her? Really? Do what's best for the kids.

No. OP never has to speak to her. Speak to dad sure. If the kids are unhappy speak to dad. Leave her the fuck out of whatever complex you have OP

If she's likeable and kind to your children then you have to accept that's the best outcome rather than her being horrible and u kind to your children.

Don't focus on her you have no idea what lies he may have told her about you and your marriage with him.

I honestly do wish it was so easy not to feel anger and hurt. I do hope it comes in time. Their dad actually works away for a few weeks at a time so they do not stay very often. He also seems to spend a lot of time on trips away with his girlfriend, but they never take the children.

It feels like since he met the girlfriend he is a dad when he feels like being one, in which case he thinks he is dad of the year when they are with him. I think I get so upset because this woman seems to have him on a pedestal too when it’s so very evident he does the very bare minimum with the children.