Husband cursed at me

[Jomama123]

My husband can be very difficult. He is very passive aggressive. The other night I walked into the room and he gave me a foul look. I asked him why he was looking at me like that and he flew off the handle. He told me to f*k off, got up, pushed me out the way by putting his hands on my arm and called me an a*hole. I was stunned.
He texted me the next day to say he shouldn’t have spoken to me like that but honestly the apology was bull because later that day, he bit my head off for something else. I had to go out so we didn’t speak till later. When I tried to bring up what happened he said, “You wait this long and now you want to talk? Well I don’t want to.” I explained I didn’t have an opportunity to talk to him any earlier. He eventually spoke to me but nothing was really resolved for me because there was excuses made about why he spoke to me like that and of course it all boiled down to being my fault. I took too long to cook dinner and left him to cope whilst he felt unwell with our baby. None of which was communicated to me. I am sick fed up but I’m stuck here. I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice or just to vent because I can’t talk to anyone about this.

Many men are married to women they don't actually like and it sounds like your husband is one of them. You need a plan to get out of that marriage. Abuse only gets worse.

Urm I'd be packing my bags

Do you seriously need help with this??

Do you want a black eye next time? Or worse?

You shouldn't just be sick and fed up, you should be scared. He is escalating to putting his hands on you. And he's already made out it's your fault.

Get out of there. Like, yesterday.

Enough us enough. You have a baby. You can't be around a man who is not only abusive but aggressively so.

Often abuse ramps up during pregnancy or even you have a young child ad they think you're stuck.

Don't raise your child in a house of hate. Thinking its normal for men to hate and bully women.

Go! Fast and fully and never look back.
Your child deserves a happy mother free from violence.

@Jomama123

I really think 🤔 he has extremely deep psychological issues in his past,
that not even therapy could address effectively,

I wouldn't be susprised this if this part of disturbling dysfunctional pattern he has learned from childhood family dynamics

Another words he is very psychologically damaged individual

Do not waste your time wearing Rose coloured specs on wistfully thinking things can improve in some way,

It definitely will not,

This is as good as it gets ,

and there are warning signs allready ,
It could get even whole shit even worse too...
down a potentially dark path

Hot 🔥 foot it out of this weird relantship as soon as possible

And get as much support as possible

Accept you made a mistake

Life's a work continously work in progress

You fxcked up with the kind of partner you were acctracted too

Don't feel you are a failure either

You are definitely not,

You have walking a well trodden path that other women have experienced and got out of thankfully and done better for themselves too,

Just like you can do especially with support behind you too

You only have one life

Don't 🗑 waste it

With this Arsehole

Take care

Maybe he doesn’t like me but I don’t think it’s that because we have a lot of the same interests and passions and when he’s not being an ahole we have a very good dynamic. It’s probably more that he’s emotionally immature because he was raised in a passive aggressive household. So yeah, he is def damaged as someone mentioned. It’s not as simple as pack bags and leave. There are multiple factors preventing me from doing that. I am his full time carer because he has chronic health conditions and all the money is in his name. I have no money of my own to rely on and I have a new baby as well as a 10 year old to provide for. My eldest child has ASN and I also care for her. So, I can’t work. I live far away from friends and family. There’s nowhere I can go. I am also very religious and divorce is not an option for me in that respect. Separation would be but I could never have another relationship whilst still married and I’m not allowed to get divorced. I realise people will hammer me for this but it’s my religious way of life. I’m trapped.

I'm sorry but if you live in the UK you can get divorced, irrespective of your religion. Yes it might be incredibly difficult and your family might reject you, but there is always another way.
You have one life. You and only you are responsible for your happiness. If you choose to stay with him (and it is a choice) then fine, but you can't change him.
Don't use your religion as an excuse. (And this advice is coming from someone who comes from a culture where divorce is shunned).

No Im sorry, I can’t he divorced. When we got married we became one flesh spiritually and my religion won’t allow for divorce, especially as the marriage has been consummated and there are children involved. As I said, I could leave but would have to remain married. And if I remain married I am not allowed to have any other relationships as it’s seen as adulatory which is a mortal sin. Regardless of the religious reasons, which for me are very real, I have no income, no family or friends nearby and I can’t work because my eldest child is asn and I care for her. These are facts not excuses. It’s all very well to criticise me but you’re not in my position and you don’t realise how difficult leaving would be. I know he would be a nightmare to co-parent with post separation as well. And at least if I’m there when he’s around the children I can try to mitigate any harm. If he has the children alone, I can’t do that.

I mean this question with kindness - what do you want from this thread?

What's more important? The religion or the welfare of you and your children?

He doesn't like you and the resentment he feels at being trapped in the marriage with you is spilling over into anger which will turn into rage and violence.

What example is this doe your children? That it's acceptable for people to hate each other and live together only for the sake of the religion? That a man can abuse his wife and she has to put up with it?

What if he hospitalised you or kills you? What will happen to your children?

Please question your religious beliefs that allow such misery and suffering for a family?

Religion is made up. How can you be "one flesh spiritually" if he hates you and treats you like shit? That doesn't even make sense.

Exactly. It's a cult made up by men to suppress wives and children dressed up in the guise of being a religion in order to scare women from speaking up.

This is the kind of case where religion becomes a destructive belief as opposed to a positive one.

I don’t know which religion you believe in but would any higher power actively want someone to suffer? I think not. If a higher power did want an individual to go through hell whilst in this life are they worth believing in?

I believe you only have one life, so that means I live my life better, it’s limited and I’m not wasting it on something that can’t be proven.

For the sake of your children I’d start to question your belief fast, if he’s pushing you now for no reason what will it escalate to?

I'm guessing it's Islam.

If so, help can be found here

We have set up and operate a national specialist faith and culturally sensitive helpline that is confidential and non-judgmental, which offers information, support, guidance and referrals for those who are suffering from or at risk of abuse or facing problems on a range of issues.

Although our reach is primarily Muslim women, the helpline will accept calls from and support women of any faith or no faith. For example, the culturally sensitive nature of the helpline could easily support Asian women of other faiths. Men who are concerned about women and girls should also call the helpline. If men and boys need support, for example, at risk of forced marriage, then they should also call the helpline.

https://www.mwnuk.co.uk/Helpline1811_c.php

Why do you "guess" that it's Islam? Islam is one of the few religions that allows divorce. The islamic holy book, the Quran, gives specific advice on getting a divorce.

https://islamweb.net/en/article/92752/divorce-in-islam

Perhaps educate yourself a bit before you try to spread false stereotypes.

My Catholic mother also put her marriage to my father ahead of her 3 children - her and my father utterly wrecked our childhood in the process. My father was unfaithful to her the whole time they were married, and ended up leaving her for another woman when I was 21, anyway. The family home had to be sold and she was left with nothing.

35 years later, I've been extremely low contact with her for 30 years, as has my older brother. Neither myself or my two brothers have had children of our own. I will never forgive her for putting her religion and her marriage ahead of us.

Jomama123

I'm also not sure what you are looking for from this thread.

You sound like an intelligent, thoughtful person who has a strong religious faith.

Some questions -
does your DH also hold those same religious beliefs ?
What does your religion say about husbands who abuse their wives ?
Does your religion have an organisation that supports married couples
Does your religion have an organisation that supports abused wives
Does your religion have an organisation that supports children living in a household where their mother is abused ?

I would respectfully suggest that if your religion does not have the wherewithal to support families and prohibits divorce then this is a poor organisation and doesn't deserve your adherence. You can have faith without religious construction around it. I accept you may find this line of thought as offensive - however I find it highly distressing that you are feeling you should stay with your abuser because of your religion.

Divorce may not be an option for you, however separation is. It may be difficult to achieve but it would be healthier for your children to not be brought up in a home where their mother is abused by their father. That you are their father's carer is neither here or there - ill health is not an excuse for abusive behaviour.

My advice for the immediate future - leave your abuser. Go home to your family

Are you a member of the jehova witness organisation? They are a cult. If you are a member of this organisation pls leave they do not want the best for you or your children.

Interesting how religions like this only benefit the men. Ditch the religion and your husband.

Is your 10 year old his or did you find this religion after you had her?
You do have an income, as you are your DD's carer. You will lose the carers allowance you get for him, but it sounds like he takes all that for himself anyway, so in that regard you lose nothing.
Talk to WA and get to a safe place of refuge. You will be a higher priority for housing as you have DC's.
I wouldn't recommend attempting to be in another relationship anyway, so leave regardless of divorce, stay married in name if you must. One step at a time. You might feel differently about divorce years down the line, but if not, so be it, doesn't mean you can't stay safe and separate.

What religion does not allow divorce?

I am curious

Op, nothing we say or do will change your husband at all. You also cannot change him.

If you believe the only way is to put up and shut up then I worry about what type of role model you both are to these children.

Staying in dysfunctional circumstances compounds the future likleyhood of your children reenacting your relationship model

Utterly depressing though

You can get benefits if you do leave this man

check out the turn2us calculator and it will tell you how much

you can also get housing of sorts if there’s abuse

Are you a Catholic OP? I'm asking because I am and I have had to separate from my H because of his behaviour, which included adultery, and I totally understand what you're saying, except we CAN get divorced! It's just that we CANNOT then have another relationship nor marry again without making adulterers of ourselves and risking Eternal Damnation. I have accepted I will be alone for life now, but I am older and TBH, I couldn't be bothered with men anymore now. If you are a younger woman with young children, it could be hard for you but not impossible.( Also, if your H has committed adultery, which abusive men often do, it could be indication that he never meant his vow of Fidelity and that is grounds for annulment!).
Sadly, non-Catholics do not understand this, so the advice you might get on here will not take our Catholic Faith into account, and why would it when they don't believe in it? If you want to DM another Catholic who went through abuse from her H, please do DM me. I'd be someone to talk to who gets it, if nothing else! You wouldn't have to defend your Catholic Faith to me!
There are also practical things keeping you stuck as well, which there IS help with, you just need to start looking after your emotions first, and building your self-worth up, before you can even begin to work your way through it all! Anyway, don't try to carry this completely alone, I'm here if you want to talk to me!

If you are a divorced catholic then you cannot have another relationship without being an adulterer?

That is ridiculous and was clearly a rule designed by a man!

And why do the male catholics not mind about getting in relationships after and during marriage

Taking my views of religion out of this, your H has started showing some really concerning signs.

Please don't underestimate how far this could escalate, especially if he feel's resentment towards you and also feels trapped in the marriage.

If he can't divorce you, what option is he left with? There are some very scary statistics out there, please protect yourself and your DC first and foremost.

He isn't passive aggressive. He is plain old aggressive-aggressive by the sounds of it. The silent treatment is a part of his bad behaviour and by itself maybe it would be passive aggressive but he is combining it with shouting, swearing and pushing.
Read Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that"