Husband cursed at me

[Jomama123]

My husband can be very difficult. He is very passive aggressive. The other night I walked into the room and he gave me a foul look. I asked him why he was looking at me like that and he flew off the handle. He told me to f*k off, got up, pushed me out the way by putting his hands on my arm and called me an a*hole. I was stunned.
He texted me the next day to say he shouldn’t have spoken to me like that but honestly the apology was bull because later that day, he bit my head off for something else. I had to go out so we didn’t speak till later. When I tried to bring up what happened he said, “You wait this long and now you want to talk? Well I don’t want to.” I explained I didn’t have an opportunity to talk to him any earlier. He eventually spoke to me but nothing was really resolved for me because there was excuses made about why he spoke to me like that and of course it all boiled down to being my fault. I took too long to cook dinner and left him to cope whilst he felt unwell with our baby. None of which was communicated to me. I am sick fed up but I’m stuck here. I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice or just to vent because I can’t talk to anyone about this.

Honey there's not a religion in the world where God would tell you to stay with a man who beats you.

At least, not a God any woman should support.

Yes, in sickness and health is a thing.
But not 'In shoves you and abuses you'

Put religion asside and focus on what it's really about. God. The God you believe in surely wants you to be happy and healthy and SAFE.

Tbh it actively grinds my gears when people think so little of a god they supposedly believe in. They think he wouldn't be their biggest supporter in leaving awful people.

He's likely up there watching this soap opera unfold like 'Get out of there Megan! I gave you one life and THIS is what you're doing with it!? ...and you're...wait...you're blaming ME for it? Nah. Its all on you this one'.

If the problem is your religious COMMUNITY - then you need to get another one. But don't confuse religon and god, and remember your allegiance is with him, not what the people of your church might think.

Surely God loves us and wants us to thrive. That doesn't mean we get everything we want or that there aren't tests sometimes. But sometimes the test is simply knowing your bloody worth! Knowing life is to precious to ruin running around after people who treat you badly and worse, are a threat to you!

What do you think suffering in this life and being a martyr will get you a free pass through the pearly gates? Afraid not.

You'll get up there and he'll ask you why you thought a life he gave you was so worthless that you wasted it being a punching bag, to a bully. Perhaps even why you thought it was OK to continue to raise your kids in that household and inflict generational trauma on them, after it became evident this man was becoming violent.

I get that leaving seems hard. That divorce may cause you more alienation from your çurrent community. But don't blame your maker and hide behind him as a reason not to do something hard. I think you really need to consider that thats what you are doing. Using religion as an excuse to stay when the chances are god would be your biggest champion in getting yourself out.

There is no going back from this.
DH's behaviour will escalate and you and your DC are at risk of great harm
I am not going to mention religion, that is for your own conscience.
If you separate you will be entitled to benefits, so you will have money
Is there an advice group for your religion?
The shame is his, not yours
He has contempt for you

Choice - stay and let him kill you, ruin your children's lives and for himself end up in prison.
Or leave and face your imaginary sense of you being in the wrong.
Your choice @Jomama123

Wow! The levels of empathy for a woman in a very difficult position is near to non-existent. I just wanted to vent because I have no-one to talk to and instead my religious beliefs have just been attacked. I know if you’re not religious it can be difficult to contemplate but we are talking about my eternal soul here. As I said, I can leave and not stay with him but I can’t get divorced. The religion part isn’t the main focus here. The facts are that I have no money, nowhere to go, no-one to talk to and I have 2 children to support, one of whom needs me to be her carer because she is autistic and has ASN. So I can’t just go out and get a job. I’m also breastfeeding my youngest and even if I was working, I would still be on maternity leave as the baby is still so young.
Thank you to the person who suggested turn 2 us. That has been helpful. I would be entitled to something but it would likely take a fair bit of time to sort out and I have no savings or anything to lean on until then. I was hoping for some female solidarity but in all honesty I just feel pretty wretched now.

No one has attacked your religion. Asking you what you believe your God would want for you is not attacking your religion op. I'm a Christian too fyi and guess what, I believe in divorce under specific circumstances. Like, partner being abusive.

What do you think your maker wants for you?

It's a valid question.

I certainly don't mean to attack you or be unsupportive.

But surely God wants you to be safe, right?

You brought religion into it. It's fine to have whatever belief you like. But clearly there's different interpretations of the same gods view if you think staying with a bully would be his will. I think he's up there, in your corner, hoping you find the strength to leave.

Now we all know it's not that simple of course. But I'm just saying, do you actually think he would damn you for leaving to keep yourself safe?

Please don’t feel wretched.

Is there not voluntary organisations for your faith that would help you in your position?

Universal Credit takes roughly six weeks to be paid

It is my understanding that if you are a victim of Domestic Abuse then you are entitled to safe accommodation or you could see if a refuge would take you in

You would need to go to your local
housing team and they would help you with all of this

To do something requires a lot of courage though.

I know you hold your beliefs dear but at what cost? Living in daily torture?

Just no. Look for strength and use it to remove yourself from this man’s orbit.

You don’t owe him anything - he sounds financially abusive too - do you even get to spend money at all? Do you know how much is in the joint accounts? You know half of that is yours?

If you left could you withdraw some?

We don’t have joint accounts and all the money goes into his account. I literally have zero access to money other than to buy food and the money comes out of his account. If I want to buy clothes or something, then I have to ask him for money so I can do so.

I also have no idea how much money he gets or when it goes into his account either.

First things first, get your own bank account.
Do you get any benefits? Carers allowance for example? If so, start receiving that money there.

Look into other benefits you would be entitled to if you did leave. Consider things you could sell for some extra cash.

No ones saying you have to do everything all at once. Even if you're not ready to leave, you can start getting yourself in a position whereby it'll be easier to do so.

Have a word with women's aid maybe. They'd be a good place to start.

Please know that we don't mean to come down on you op. We have your back. It's just sometimes that means we may have to say things that are hard to hear.

But op what happens to child benefit money and your tax credits?

Do you get to do activities with the children or go on holidays?

Did he have these care needs when you met him? Do you get out much alone? Are you allowed out?

I have my own bank account but there’s nothing in it and nothing gets paid into it. All the money is in his name so if I was to ask for it to be changed I would need his permission. I do get carers allowance but again, this is paid directly into his account. I don’t get tax credits.
I live in a rural area so I don’t go out socially but I am out every day with the children. I never go out alone anywhere. I always have the children with me.

No he wasn’t like this when I met him. Not as angry. He did have mental health problems but that side of things has improved. It’s the decline in his physical health that’s caused a lot of problems. He has zero patience now. He’s so quick to get irritated and angry. Before he was more withdrawn.

We can’t afford to go on holidays really.

Get your carer's allowance paid into your own account.

I can’t do that without him knowing. It’s part of his benefit claim.

Well you could tell him he's going to have to hire a carer if he doesn't want to pay the money directly to you (he'll likely look to do this when you're out anyway).

Tbh, if he did then that might mean you could work a few hours per week. Also, you'll have someone else in the home you can talk to and to help take the pressure off as you prepare to go.

It would be good if you could find a part time job. Or even just some voluntary work for the sake of building up some references.

If you don't feel it's safe to tell him you want the carers allowance sent to you then you'll need to think of some other way to get a little money together for yourself.

The reason I would suggest divorce over just going is that that way, you'll get some of the assets ordered to go to you. Otherwise, let's face it, he's going to give you nada.

But lots of people in your shoes have got free. And so can you. Just keep taking little steps.

When you get out you can claim benefits. Pethais some child support too.

Just a thought but you could probably get a few private cleaning/home help jobs. They pay by the hour and might let you take your kid with you and can be flexable. You could ask around at your place of worship for a start. Usually lots of elderly parishioners needing some help.

I have no childcare for my baby and autistic 10 year old. I can’t work. I am my eldest child’s carer as well as my husbands. I live in a rural area and my husband always attends church with me. I appreciate the suggestions but they’re not really viable options for me.

Maybe whilst your eldest is at school you could get out and about with the baby and start to make plans for a separate life when you’re ready..I appreciate your husband is poorly but you have to be strong for yourself and your children. This doesn’t sound like a life you’d like to keep living so be confident and make some plans..too may ‘I can’ts’ in your posts. If you want to make things better there are people out there to help..

If your soils are entwined for eternity as you believe and he is a horrible man, how does that work if he's going to hell and you're going to heaven?

Raise your fucking standards

Just to the facts are clear for everyone. My child is home educated due to asn. She has autism. She is with me 24/7 and my other child is a baby who I am still breastfeeding. It’s not i cants, it’s reality. My children are always with me. Always. I live rurally and have no childcare options. I have no family or friends around me. I have no access, (currently) to any money. All the money goes into my husbands bank account. It is not a joint account. I have to ask him for money. I do not have any money. This includes the carers allowance I receive for being his full time carer. The benefits are all under 1 claim, in his name. I cannot ask him for the carers allowance to be paid for me as he simply wouldn’t give it to me. I cannot ask the government to pay it directly to me either because he would have to give his permission for me to speak to them about his benefits because it’s all in his name. I get nothing in my name. I can leave my husband but I cannot ever have another intimate relationship as it’s classed as adulatory in my religion because we are married, even if we were to divorce because when you get married you are joined as 1 in this life. Whether you agree with that or not is irrelevant. That’s what my religion says. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to comment but I really don’t feel that I want to continue on this thread with my core beliefs being criticised. It’s not helping me. I don’t really want to delete as people have taken the time to comment but I might have to because it’s making me feel so bad when I really just came for some empathy and to vent as I have no-one to speak to. This just makes me feel worse. Life isn’t always simple and I can’t just up and walk away logistically. I looking into my options About how I can move forward and protect my children and myself. I simply won’t be able to leave immediately.

You always have a choice.

Your choice is to put your religion first over and above the welfare of yourself and your children and to indulge your husband in what many of us feel is evil behaviour.

OP you mention mortal sin are you Catholic? If so you can separate. You could work when your DD gets to school. You could claim Carers Allowance for caring for her for 35 hours a week if you don't work outside of the home. You could seek help from Woman's Aid and if you found a house to rent you could claim UC including housing allowance. Think of your DC.

You are the one claiming Carers Allowance it not part of his claim. Contact them and give them your bank details. I'm not talking about Carers Allowance as part of his UC claim. If he or your DD gets PIP then you can claim Carers Allowance for looking after them. You need to claim this and get it in your own bank account.