Husband cursed at me

[Jomama123]

My husband can be very difficult. He is very passive aggressive. The other night I walked into the room and he gave me a foul look. I asked him why he was looking at me like that and he flew off the handle. He told me to f*k off, got up, pushed me out the way by putting his hands on my arm and called me an a*hole. I was stunned.
He texted me the next day to say he shouldn’t have spoken to me like that but honestly the apology was bull because later that day, he bit my head off for something else. I had to go out so we didn’t speak till later. When I tried to bring up what happened he said, “You wait this long and now you want to talk? Well I don’t want to.” I explained I didn’t have an opportunity to talk to him any earlier. He eventually spoke to me but nothing was really resolved for me because there was excuses made about why he spoke to me like that and of course it all boiled down to being my fault. I took too long to cook dinner and left him to cope whilst he felt unwell with our baby. None of which was communicated to me. I am sick fed up but I’m stuck here. I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice or just to vent because I can’t talk to anyone about this.

I agree about having your own carers allowance paid into your own account. Keep that money private..

No way would a loving God want any dear child to be witness to an angry man cursing their mother.
If you will not leave for your own self worth you do have to find a way of making your home safe and free of abuse.

Can you attend to husband's needs for a few hours but then close a door and keep the children in a secure and happy place? Can you wear ear phones and play positive music?

Seek advice from the kindest wisest woman at your church. Ask her and her husband what you should do about abusive husband. Hopefully the church will intervene and banish him.
Is there a way to divorce an abusive husband? The religion wouldhave standards, research them.

Also ask the doctor to thoroughly examine your husband for reasons as to why he becomes aggressive. You are his carer. Tell the doctor how reactionary your husband is. Get them to check for dementia, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, high pain levels, portiatia.

Stop conversing with your husband while he is unreasonable and impatient. He doesn't deserve respectful dialogue and he only uses the conversation to abuse you.

Not portatia but Paranoia or other personality disorders. Medication could also be making him entirely abusive. Is he on any hydrocortizone? Body building type medications?

You feel trapped, and you're understandably taking out your frustrations here, OP.

But in reality you have far more freedom than you can dare to imagine.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to comment but I really don’t feel that I want to continue on this thread with my core beliefs being criticised. It’s not helping me. I don’t really want to delete as people have taken the time to comment but I might have to because it’s making me feel so bad when I really just came for some empathy and to vent as I have no-one to speak to.

You're asking people to enable you, to help you stay in an abusive marriage, to let you vent so you can stay. You're making people complicit in your abuse. What posters are trying to do is say that the only choice with abusive men is to leave. If you can't leave right now, you can plan to leave. What you're asking is for other women to tell you it's OK to stay. It's not.

And yes, us atheists can't understand why a good god would let a man hurt and abuse a woman and stand back and let that happen while telling her to stay. For ever.

If you are the registered carer then then carers is in your name not his. You can ring the carers and ask to change to your own bank account.

Would he consider counselling for his anger. It reads like he is an angry person and he blames you for his issues or uses you as his emotional punching bag.

The problem is while every you stay there's a risk it could escalate, so it could become physical, putting you at risk. Then there's the impact on your children.

If you need support you can ring Samaritans to talk or womens aid for advice.

Such a thoughtful and caring post.

I was also going to say annulment is possible.

for you both @Blubbled and OP.

@Jomama123 sorry but why come on here and write to complain about how shitty your hubby treats you while you seem to admit that you want to be treated like a doormat and you want to be abused because you just cant leave and he controls all the finances. I take it he does not work then if you are his carer? why did you get involved because I am pretty sure there must have been some clues. even in islamic religions they divorce! all they need to say is i divorce you, i divorce you, i divorce you and apparently that is it! you saying that you are one flesh is just rubbish!

…anyone else now concerned for those children ? Is the oldest child registered home educated? Could Early Help help this lady, I think so. I am reading coercive relationship and religion devotion or no the children in this scenario need help, even if Mum doesn’t. I know she’s flounced off because she didn’t hear what she wanted to hear but safeguarding is everyone’s concern.

@JaneAustensHeroine Thank you! I really feel for the OP and I'm concerned for her and her children. I hope she does DM me because I think she needs someone to talk to who gets it but I have made the offer and have to leave it up to her now. Please God she will get the help she needs for herself AND her children.

Your religion is a prison. But you can walk out of the door any time.

No belief system should force women to stay with an abuser.

Sounds like you're being subjegated.

Leave. The shame is all his for mistreating you. Be a great example for other women in your faith.

Distressing.

You're being financially abused. Make a claim for universal credit and child benefit to go to your own account. Speak to Women's Aid. Just call them for a chat. Tell them what you've told us and see what they say.

You don't have to accept this life he's trapped you in.

Absolutely. I hope so too 🙏.

The Church has no expectation that people will stay married to someone who abuses them and offers support to people who find themselves in this situation.

Wishing you well on your journey

My husband left 20 years ago and we are not divorced and I have never had another relationship. DA was a feature. I have 4 children all with ADHD and one with ASC and I was his career for a decade.

Your money going to his account is financial abuse.

You STILL can leave. Will it be hard in the short term? Yes. Will it resolve? Also yes.

I am 'religous' (I have a faith). I know that lots of religions have man-made rules (literally MAN made) which don't act in the interests of the followers.

I know that my God is a loving God and wouldn't want someone to stay with an abusive man. My God wouldn't want children to have to be brought up in that sort of a household. I am divorced, and had support from the people in my church who I was closest to. Most people were neutral on the subject, and I didn't face any judgement (that I was aware of). But even if I had, my children's welfare is more important than the opinions of some people at church and in the community.

Your husband is not a loving or good man.

If you really don't feel you can divorce, then just separate - at least to start with. If the only downside of separation is you can't marry another man, does that really matter? Are you in a rush to marry someone else? Why not just enjoy the peace and calm of being single?

And financially - your SH is also abusive financially. You are married so half of all assets are yours. If you divorced and you kept the children with you, likely more than half. If you speak to a solicitor, in confidence, you can find out where you would sit financially. Even if you decided just to separate, you could enlist a solicitor to work out a fair financial agreement.

Finally - you are your husband's carer. That just makes his vile ebusive behaviour worse. He doesn't deserve you. You don't have to be his carer. He's forfeited that right when he failed to be a good and decent husband.

It seems that in your home your DH comes first (in your eyes, in his own eyes and therefore in your DC's eyes). Put yourself and your children first - they deserve it and your husband doesn't.

I wish you well. You don't have to be stuck in this hell forever.

@Begsthequestion

"Why do you "guess" that it's Islam? Islam is one of the few religions that allows divorce. The islamic holy book, the Quran, gives specific advice on getting a divorce. Perhaps educate yourself a bit before you try to spread false stereotypes."

I think you need to educate yourself too. @Porfirio made an educated guess based on the narrative presented by the OP. In Islam, once a husband has consumated the marriage the wife is considered forever married to him. The OP has clearly stated that this same belief is central to her faith. I've copied some facts for you to read which might help you to improve your own knowledge:

Acceptable grounds for divorce vary widely among the legal schools. In the Hanafi school, for example, a woman has almost no grounds for obtaining a divorce provided her husband has consummated the marriage. She cannot be divorced from him even if he fails to support her, abuses her, or is imprisoned for life.

Thus, it is clear that there is a 'degree' of difference with regards to the rights of men and women in divorce, and that the greater right that men were given is due to their being the leaders and financial supporters of the household.

Both Muslim men and women are allowed to divorce in the Islamic tradition. But community interpretations of Islamic laws mean that men are able to divorce their wives unilaterally, while women must secure their husband’s consent.

Are you in the UK? If so speak to Women's Aid. They'll help.
Stop saying 'No' to your own salvation. You and your children need to be out of there.

If he needs a carer he can talk to social services.

I had a NDE and entered the presence of God. You don't have to believe that but this is what I learned. God loves you. He knows all about you, good and bad, and still loves you so much. More than you can imagine. God understands. Ask God to show you the way to get you and your children out, and ask God to support you.

But do the practical things yourself. A bit at a time.

I am also very religious and divorce is not an option for me in that respect. Separation would be but I could never have another relationship whilst still married and I’m not allowed to get divorced.

I am a Christian (although not Catholic) and was in an abusive marriage. I struggled a lot with the idea of divorce. In the end I realised that firstly I'd made a dreadful mistake marrying the man I did (who was not a Christian) and that God would not want me be in an abusive relationship for the rest of my life. He gave me a brain and allows me to make my own decisions so I decided to leave. I did eventually get divorced, too.

OP you have said separation is an option, so run with that idea to begin with. You shouldn't be thinking of other relationships at this stage, anyway. One thing at a time. As others have said, don't trap yourself in this very negative and abusive marriage because you think God will be angry if you don't stay, or that you will have to remain without a relationship for the rest of your days. God is forgiving and loves you, he wants the best for you and your children.

OP, with the lack of 'wriggle room' in your situation, is there a trustworthy person within your faith that you can talk to? I am atheist but my understanding of some religions is that they mandate that a husband respect his wife and treat her well. Could it be that in your case, your husband is breaching the teachings of your religion? As a result would there be any repurcussions for him within your faith as a result of his behaviour? Does your faith have external help (website/phone line/social media) that you can access? Maybe you could talk to your GP if you feel his mental health is impacting your marriage?
For what it's worth, the fact that this man has placed his hands on you is a strong indicator that his behaviour will escalate. Please contact Women's Aid, at least to go through your options. I really feel for you. You must feel so trapped and alone. People on this thread seem really worried about you, and while you may be feeling you're receiving a lot of tough love, they all want the best for you.

Unlikely

Very much likely. The only person I've ever met like this was an Irish catholic.

Other people saying it must be islam are way off.

No idea about Islam @Begsthequestion, but I'm guessing you don't know too many young Irish Catholics, because it is unlikely as I said.
Hope you're not basing your point on knowing one person?