Is anyone happy?

[Superlambaanana]

Feeling a bit despairing at the moment because I haven't been able to maintain a long term romantic relationship with a man for more than about 10 years ( actual happiness probably for a lot less, I'd say 2 -3 years max) and none of my friends or family who are still in relationships seem to be totally happy. They're still there because they need to be for the kids, or because they've no where else to go or don't want to be single etc.

None is still with their DP/DH because they really want to be there and if a genie gave them a 'perfect relationship wish' they'd all switch not stick.

Is anyone totally happy? Is it possible for a man and woman to be happy long term rather than just content enough to put up with all the shit and downsides?

I thought we were happy but apparently not! Totally blindsided after 10years. So I’m unsure now if people can be truly happy.

Hi , I’ve been with my partner for 20 years, we have been through a lot , homelessness, issues with our children and depression, but we are still happy.i think the fact we have the same sense of humour helps .

When I was in an abusive relationship, I used to think happy couples were putting on a show. It's such a complex question, because I think some people just don't have the ability to be happy. I have been very fortunate and by all means should be happy even though I probably take my life for granted. Sometimes I think it's not till your life shifts when you look back and realise that you were happy then.

This is exactly my experience of family and friend couples around me! They're mainly content enough - though not happy in the sense of being fully, 100% wanting to be there. But they don't feel there's an alternative.

They like having someone to go in holidays with and out to social events with. A lot of the couples I know spend a lot of time around social events because it's a way to spend less one-on-one time with their partner but also not have to be a single like me (most of them are terrified of my singleness). So there's comfort and security and a good deal of co-dependancy.

I don't consider this happiness and it wouldn't be enough for me to just have someone who is presentable to friends but fairly loathsome behind closed doors.

This sounds very old fashioned and maybe worked for the women in my parents- or grandparents' generation to be content with a "solid, good natured, protective and providing man". I don't think alpha male works nowadays, especially as it generally comes with sexism, laziness about tasks he doesn't fancy doing (womens work) and expectations of his partner to be grateful for him 'providing'.

I’m happiest when I’m single. I find relationships hard work, I was married for 10 years but not sure how I managed it. I’ve been divorced for 8 years and have dated a few people, had a few short relationships but found them very stressful, having to please someone else and having to put up with their bad habits 😬

Sorry to hear this. I hope you're doing ok.

It's so common. Men can be so immature, selfish and fickle. I don't think women are usually just as quick to throw everything out the window.

We are very happy. 38 years together. Navigated a lot in those years but always together. Hes kind,, loving, patient, decent, generous. We are the best of pals and god i love shagging him hes sexy as hell. We are v lucky but we also are very mindful of each other. We take care of eacb other in every way. Its possible, but you have to take care of a marriage too for it to last.

Yeh despite the many uplifting posts on this thread from people obviously in very happy relationships, I feel pretty sure I'm happier being single too.

Being single certainly brings me a more consistent level of happiness - none of the highs of relationships, but also none of the lows. And my lows have been many and awful unfortunately. Damaging me mentally and emotionally with sadness and isolation and crippling self doubt, never mind the financial impact and lost time. And my ex's were far from the worst out there!

I do still have a vague, rather existential notion that people in decades-long relationships must be there primarily because they need to be (ergo not truly happy) rather than they would want to be given the choice of leading any other life of their choosing. But of course that applies equally to me being single - is it really a choice or just a situation which needs to be made the best of like all others in life.

I'm very happy with DH. He's fabulous and we've been together 25 years. I had 15 years with a shit husband before that, so I am doubly grateful to have found someone great.

I am 6 stone heavier than I was when we met, and he still loves me. We have had family bereavements, both of us have had serious health issues, money problems and some really difficult times with DC - and neither of us would swap the other for anything.

He's my rock and I know whenever tough times hit that he is to be relied upon. There's no lottery win that would make me leave him, or him me. He's the kindest person I've ever met.

I don't consider this happiness and it wouldn't be enough for me to just have someone who is presentable to friends but fairly loathsome behind closed doors.

I think that's probably harsh - none of the blokes involved are loathsome/all bad.

I think "happy" is a bit of an abstract concept and nobody is perfect as an individual or happy all the time/with all aspects of their relationship - all of these women have happy times with their DH, and it's just a matter of weighing up if you're happier staying married.

One of the friends I mentioned who left her husband and is now divorced has ended up living with another man. In some ways he's meeting her needs "better" than the previous one, but in others he's doing much worse 🤦‍♀️

The grass isn't always greener.

I do still have a vague, rather existential notion that people in decades-long relationships must be there primarily because they need to be (ergo not truly happy) rather than they would want to be given the choice of leading any other life of their choosing.

Not the case for me. 40 years together and we still make each other laugh every single day, without exception. It might be just a comment, a passing phrase, a little private joke, but it cements us. Both of our parents were the same, and all of our grandparents, so it may be that has contributed to our stability. Happiness comes easily when you are a team.

Yes 22 years and 2 children later and we are happy - we laugh a great deal, go out for dinners/ cinema and generally try and spend time together. I fancy him loads still, and he says he does me - he is kind and shares chores (he is folding clothes and ironing as I type!) Not saying there haven’t been difficult times but ultimately he’s the one for me!

This is what my DH says! I don’t really like my body after having children but he still fancies me. I’ve been slim and overweight and it’s made no difference. He just says that he doesn’t care if I’m toned and slim or he has to roll me down the street, it’s still me 😂

This could be describing me and my DH.

Yup, 34 years together 30 years married. We enjoy each other’s company. He can still make me weak at the knees with his smile. We look out for each other, have interests and our family in common and do separate stuff too. Terribly lucky. He was cheated on by his first wife, my parents separated after 25 years together and I think those experiences educated us in how not to go about things.

Yes, incredibly happy. I ditched the traditional model of marriage to one man and became non-monogamous.

I'm able to have fulfilling relationships with the people in my life without the societal labels. If I meet an interesting man, I can go out for dinner and get to know him without that thought of "Oh I'm not allowed because I have a husband". He might become a close friend, a lover, a companion... who knows? But I love the freedom to have multiple relationships with a variety of people who meet my needs.

It's still heartbreaking if there's an argument or a relationship breaks down but somehow that blow is softened by having a network of other supportive relationships. One person isn't the be all and end all!

16 years for me and very happy. I think the key is that we want the best for each other, so although we may fight occasionally, we are never trying to hurt each other.
We still love a night out together as well as all of the usual nights in, too.

Me and my DH have been together 11 years and we are very happy together. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else, I love him so much! We take care of each other, I will rub his back if it's sore or he'll pick up flowers at the shop for me - little things to show we care. He's a very kind and funny guy and always makes me laugh. I feel blessed to have him by my side 💗

I'm happy. We have been together 12 years and still find things to talk about. We are not in each others pockets. We will have a little catch up when DH gets home from work and set out one or 2 evenings a week to chill together but otherwise give each other space. That works for us as we both appreciate alone time. We generally communicate well so if something is bothering either of us we just say it and will hash it out until it is resolved. We don't do any silent treatment or stewing on things. We have been through our ups and downs but we always support each other. We make a great team. I love him to peices. He's very good to me and our kids.

Married and been together 11 years, genuinely happy. Had plenty of challenges, but we’ve coped and got stronger and I couldn’t imagine life without him, it’s just better together. No kids together, young adult children each who have all moved out so we’re looking forward to this next phase of life. We met in our 30s and had that chat about kids very early on, I was 33 and he was 38 so it was an absolute deal breaker for me if he wanted a baby because I was 100% never doing that. We’d not have got to a month if he thought that was ever on the cards, thankfully he felt the same.
Went on a tangent there, yes, definitely happy and don’t see that changing. It’s just calm.

I am, we have raised 2 amazing girls and are now beginning to think about retirement. Like all couples we have had difficulties over the years, we always work through them though and come out stronger. Right now we are happier and more in love than we have ever been and that has been consistent for quite a long time. Very excited about spending our golden years together

I always thought it was the opposite. I thought most couples were happy and few weren't.
I know loads of very happy couples of my age (late 30s and older). My own parents for one- god knows how.
Not just childfree ones either.
I'm afraid I'm someone who would be rid of their partner tomorrow if I could. If I won the lottery I'd run 😅
He's lazy, narcissistic, regularly criticizes me , drinks too much, doesn't see my family, does very little with DD. We will have been together 12 years this summer. It wasn't always like this, but having a child together made it so.

I'd love to be single and responsible for my own happiness, answer to myself. I think you don't need a relationship to make you happy in fact they are very overrated.

I was happy when I was long-term single and I'm also still happy in a long-term relationship. My happiness doesn't depend on my relationship status and I'm perfectly content alone; I would only have considered getting into (and staying in) a relationship with a man who enhanced my happiness.

@gannett yes that's how I feel at the moment. Ive been single for over a year now and won't be jumping back into a relationship anytime soon. Previously when Ive been single I thought the whole point was to be constantly on the lookout for the next one. Ive grown out of that now!

Unfortunately @mrlistersgelfbride 's experience is very common and Im so sorry you're another victim of a shitty man - they all start out nice, we do all the due diligence that is possible (check he has a job, clean house, good relationships with friends and family, financially stable, shares values and wants the same from life, compatible in the bedroom etc) and we hope that by commiting to build on a solid foundation it will turn into a happy long term union like the ones described by many on this thread.

But all the initial due diligence in the world can't predict whether a man will have a change of heart, go off you and turn nasty and abusive, decide to have an affair, or leave. My last ex went off me but instead of finishing it, turned nasty and made me feel that I was the problem and if only I could live up to his expectations then I would be worthy of receiving his love again. It took me years of being a 'frog being boiled' before I finally got out. He was so perfect and wonderful at the start. My friends and family loved him. But he was throughly evil by the end. And it has made me very jaded because there is absolutely no way to prevent the same thing from happening all over again!