Is anyone happy?

[Superlambaanana]

Feeling a bit despairing at the moment because I haven't been able to maintain a long term romantic relationship with a man for more than about 10 years ( actual happiness probably for a lot less, I'd say 2 -3 years max) and none of my friends or family who are still in relationships seem to be totally happy. They're still there because they need to be for the kids, or because they've no where else to go or don't want to be single etc.

None is still with their DP/DH because they really want to be there and if a genie gave them a 'perfect relationship wish' they'd all switch not stick.

Is anyone totally happy? Is it possible for a man and woman to be happy long term rather than just content enough to put up with all the shit and downsides?

Blissfully happy. We are married with a toddler. We still fancy each other, laugh together and genuinely love each other’s company.

You and others who have happy relationships give me hope! But I think you are rare!

Well you are a phenomena then :-) 100% continuous happiness doesn’t exist

Yeh, I don't think anyone beyond the age of 7 expects this and it wasn't what I was asking. I'm interested in overall level of satisfaction within long term relationships and whether people are 'putting up with' partners/ behaviours etc which they would leave behind if they could have their time again or had an ideal way out. The difference between needing your partner and wanting your partner.

9 years here so not quite the longevity of some of the PPs yet but I’m incredibly happy with DH. We’re v early 30s with a toddler, a very busy business together and a menagerie of animals and life is just very good together. Hard times happen, of course, but it’s never because of him, or us, it’s external factors. He’s supportive and funny and kind and we just get each other. It’s possible!
My relative’s husband just died, and they were together 35 years. They were blissfully happy, beginning to end. They’ve always been somewhat ‘couple goals’ to me, as someone who has very few happy long marriages in the family, and they very much were two sides of the same coin.

I would take solid comfortable reliability any day! I've provided it in two very long term relationships Ive had and in some shorter ones but ended up my ex's wanted other things. All I ever wanted was a relationship where my partner didn't let me down and both of us wanted to be there, not just stuck because of emotional attachment, circumstances, finances etc. And by disappointments I mean withdrawing physical contact, being abusive, lazy, straying, disrespectful etc. I really wasn't asking the earth. I have made bad choices obviously, but I see most of my friends and family sticking in similarly unhappy situations because they are more afraid of change than I am.

Not sure why the sarcastic reply 🤷‍♀️ but actually I was just emphasising the point because I knew you’d get a flurry of responses saying they are blissfully happy and that doesn’t give an actual true reflection of reality

I had a period of dating multiple people at once when I was in my 30s. It was fine at the time but it it's not something I feel would be right for me over the long term. Why do you think it might suit me? I am open to being persuaded that maybe I am missing something that might be a good option for me!

Yes 30 years
But like anything it takes work.
Well worth it.
You have easy times and hard times but better with your best friend by your side.

Probably a few of all my friends and acquaintances are happy in their relationships. It's quite common for ups and downs and to be unhappy in the moment but a significant proportion are actively miserable constantly and would like to leave.

I'm like you OP but I'm now happy on my own. I'm not ruling out ever meeting anyone again but I want a new DP to add value to my life.

How long have you been together? Talking about long term relationships here.

9 years and really happy but it can be tough with young kids.

This is a discussion about happiness within the context of a relationship of course no one individual is happy all the time. That would make them a lunatic.

I honestly don't think happy couples are that rare.

I'm bery happy, decades in. Yes, we still fancy the pants off each other, and show / tell each other regularly how we feel. I'm 'home' when I'm with him. I look forward to seeing him when we're apart for a while and he tells me that same.

I've been in an unhappy marriage, and I count my blessings regularly. When I was in that place, I didn't realise this place was real and achievable.

And when I think of siblings and close friends' marriages, ofcourse I don't know what happens behind cosed doors, but they seem very content and happy - from their actions together and apart, things they say, they way they love making plans together. And all of them could leave if they wanted (all OK financially and children grown).

No, it isn't so rare. We could be forgiven for belieiving it, but as pp said, happy people don't post on boards.

I say all this not to be smug to tell you - don't stay unhappy because you think that's 'normal'. It isn't normal, and even if it was - single is better than unhappily coupled.

I've been with my dh for 23 years and still super happy he's my best friend. There's lots of people around me friends and family who are in long term happy relationships - as much as I can really know I suppose.

I’m in an extremely happy (long) marriage and I’d say the same applies to pretty much all of our friends.

@Jennyjojo5 crudely stating the obvious will usually elicit sarcasm.

Yes, genuinely happy. Been together over 40 years and laugh every day.

In our friendship groups, most people seem happy too. I think like attracts like and so us old married couples flock together; if you’re single/separated you’re more likely to seek out those like you.

Have we had tough times - absolutely especially when money was tight and the kids were young. Did we try to work through it, listen to each other and realise the grass is not any greener elsewhere - definitely.

It is definitely easier to be happy when you’re solvent and healthy though.

I only know one couple who seem genuinely happy, affectionate and 'best friends'. My mum and stepdad were like this too. It is out there, but I agree it's the exception not the rule.

DH and I have been together for 25 years, married for 20, and have three teenage DC. He is kind, supportive, loving, a great dad and I'm crazy about him.

Also my parents have been married for 55 years and are still very happy!

I am very encouraged by the many posters who are happy in their long term relationships! It is good to hear from you all because I find the internet to be mostly skewed towards negative experiences.

There are so many negative stories about men - policemen being institutionally misogynistic, women being killed and also low level emotional abuse, which I have experienced myself. I have been becoming quite anti men, despite knowing it's an unfair and superficial, sweeping perception.

Thanks for giving me hope everyone!

My husband still fancies me, despite me being about 7st more than I was when we got married (he's 4st more than he was). He holds my hand when we walk anywhere, tells me he loves me.

Yes. 18 years and I'd say, within the relationship itself, I have been happy the entire time. I have been unhappy with other elements of my life of course, and we've been through an awful lot together, but I've been happy and in love with him the entire time. I can't think of a time in 18 years where I've thought life would be easier without him, or wished for a different or better relationship.

My first marriage was an abusive man and he wore me down. I ran away in terror never to return. For ten years I was alone and now happily married. Yes you have to work at it and expect bereavements, problems etc. Money buys you nothing and never sleep feeling angry.

OP
My firm view on this is that very good relationships are a question of skill rather than luck in meeting the right person. There are numerous "right people" but you need to adapt yourself to who you have in front of you and vice versa. A lot of the work is in getting to know the particularities of this person and what triggers them. Everyone has triggers.

This is a good blog to read. Start with the Map Of Relationships. It's inspired by Harville Hendrix who is a big figure in the good relationship education world. John Gottman also worth watching on YouTube.